About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Trident Makes Bad People Go Away!

The following graphic was issued this week by the United States Navy, Commander, Submarine Forces in an effort to help members of Congress better understand the rationale for building a new fleet of ballistic missile submarines to replace the current Trident fleet.

The Trident II D-5 missiles deployed on the nation's 14 OHIO Class submarines carry multiple thermonuclear warheads, each one many times the destructive force of the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  Rear Adm. Joesph Tofalo has said that, “A single Trident submarine is the sixth largest nuclear nation in the world all by itself."

Carrying enough nuclear warheads to incinerate an entire continent, Trident is certainly an important tool in our nation's military tool box, and it most certainly can make lots of people "go away" in a flash.

The successor to the OHIO Class submarine fleet is known as the SSBN(X), and is currently in research and development.  A fleet of 12 new submarines will cost approximately $100 billion to build.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Vladimir Putin speaks out for arctic drilling

Editor's Note: As we believe everyone has the right to be heard, we share this letter from Glorious Supreme (and very muscular) Leader of Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin.  Go Vladimir!!!


Dear World People:

Last week, esteemed colleague President Obama sent you email asking you to seed Yes Men group with cash.

Russia wishes to hereby erect our opposition. Like the Netherlands, Russia is well-endowed member of international oil community. But Yes Men hooligans make fun of Russia/Dutch coupling with stupid bear puppet in Amsterdam. That is gay to not only Russia, but to whole Netherlands people too.

Russia is like real and extremely large and strong bear: Moscow at head, paws on Middle East, wild Arctic at rear. Dutch come to help Russia thrust deep and hard to tame rear for all Man's benefit. Yes Men try to stop us, but limp fake bearhood is no match for firm real manhood of Russia and Netherlands ganging together.

Do not support Yes Men. If you do, we treat each of your country's Sochi Olympics visitors just like we do with Greenpeace boat hooligans: we knock them up in jail.

In some heat already,

Vladimir Vladmirovich Putin


Yes, those revolting YES Men have done it again (They penned this brilliant letter from Vlad). Vladimir could NOT have written a better letter expressing the hubris and downright stupidity of Russia AND so many other nations currently wreaking havoc on the very planet that could, should we choose to change our destructive ways, sustain all of humanity quite nicely.

With great thanks to Greenpeace, and all others, who engage in direct, nonviolent resistance to the forces of destruction at play here.  Click here to read an article by Greenpeace Executive Director Kumi Naidoo - Gazprom's Over-Reaction to Arctic Oil Protest is a Sign Their Fortune is at Stake:  Action on climate change would wipe billions off oil company balance sheets and they are determined to silence their critics.

Once again it is the age-old story of profits (and power) over people.  Time for a change.  Click here to learn more at the Greenpeace Blog.

Power to the people rather than power over the people!!!


The Loose Nukes

Monday, December 9, 2013

Republicans know the true meaning of Christmas... Humbug

Ho, Ho, Ho... With THANKS to Tom Tomorrow for showing us who really understands the true meaning of Christmas.  "God bless us, every one!"  Oh, and by the way; due to his family's inability to obtain government assistance, including food stamps, unemployment benefits, and health insurance, Timothy Cratchit (aka: "Tiny Tim") will have to forego treatment for his illness (most likely renal tubular acidosis or rickets - both treatable) and will likely die.  Ah, it's looking very much like a Dickens world thanks to the Scrooges of DC.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

It's Christmas At Ground Zero

It's that wonderful time of year again - people everywhere are stringing lights, lighting menorahs, decorating Christmas trees, and buying lots and lots of stuff (thanks to some pretty slick advertising).  Ain't it grand???

As I decorate the bomb shelter I find myself thinking about the true meaning of this holiday season.  It helps me to listen to my special collection of holiday music.  My favorite collection is (no, it's not Burl Ives' Christmas Album) Dr. Demento's "Greatest Christmas Novelty CD Of All Time."

Dr. Demento has put together the greatest sons of the season - including I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus.

But my all-time favorite song of the nuclear Holiday season is Christmas At Ground Zero, written and performed by one of the great composers of our (nuclear) age, "Weird Al" Yankovic.

It's a song that conjures up images of glowing reindeer and walks in radioactive snow. This music video version, to the best of my very limited understanding, is the totally official Yankovic-produced version of this great song that is destined to become your family's favorite Holiday tune.

Move over Winter Wonderland - "it's time to duck and cover with your yuletide lover underneath the mistletoe..."

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Why your health insurance premiums are really rising!!!

The  following is an official announcement from the Health Insurers of America, finally answering once and for all the question I have been asking for years - Why are my damn health insurance premiums rising?  Of course, it doesn't answer the question of why they've risen astronomically (apparently based on the Mayan calendar) every year ad nauseum.  At least I can finally rest assured that it is not the fault of greedy health insurers trying to squeeze every last dollar out of consumers.

You can also watch this announcement on the official Website of the Health Insurers of America.


Keeping our customers informed and aware of changes in premiums has always been a goal of, the Health Insurers of America.

In response to a volatile and uncertain market preceding Health Care Reform legislation, your health insurance premiums can be expected to rise.

In response to the volatile and uncertain market following the passage of the Affordable Care Act, your health insurance premiums can be expected to rise.

The launch of a disastrous HealthCare.gov website has introduced uncertainty into a volatile health insurance marketplace, and your premiums can be expected to rise.

Due to the attempted Obamacare "fix," the insurance marketplace will see volatility and uncertainty and your premiums can be expected to rise.

Following daily atmospheric darkening after Obamacare's rollout, the health insurance marketplace will be volatile and uncertain, and your premiums can be expected to rise.

With morning sun rising under Obamacare, uncertainty and volatility will remain in the health insurance marketplace and your premiums can be expected to rise.

It's all his fault... isn't it?????????????
In response to seasonal hair growth on caterpillars after HealthCare.gov launched, the health insurance marketplace will be volatile and uncertain, and your premiums can be expected to rise.

As a result of gravitational forces beyond our control, with Obamacare, the insurance marketplace will be volatile and uncertain and your premiums can be expected to rise.

Following the rise of carbon-based life forms, your premiums can be expected to rise.

Click here to see the video.


With thanks to Mark Fiore for clearing the stagnant air on this subject.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

NSA Eavesdropping on GOD!!!

The National Security Agency is denying a report that it eavesdropped on the Pope, in addition to telephone prayer lines of a number of other religious denominations.
Before the Italian magazine, Panorama, published the report, it issued a press release that read "NSA had tapped the pope,"according to Reuters. The eavesdropping was on calls from inside and outside the Vatican and reportedly spanned a few weeks from December 10, 2012 to January 8, 2013. Additional calls to prayer lines of various denominations were also reportedly tapped.
"The National Security Agency does not target the Vatican or God."
- NSA spokeswoman
The calls were reportedly categorized in five groups: leadership intentions, threats to the financial system, foreign policy objectives, human rights and conversations with God. The magazine did not cite any sources in its report.
In addition to the eavesdropping on the Vatican, the NSA is alleged to have tapped the phone lines of various prayer lines to obtain information on people's conversations with God.

One of the largest prayer line operations is the 700 Club Prayer Centers, which receives over four million calls each year and provides a direct connection to God.  700 Club's Pat Robertson was disturbed by the spying revelations, and voiced his concern that the government is "disturbing the separation of church and state."
Pat Robertson
An NSA spokeswoman, denied the report, including the allegations of spying on God.
"The National Security Agency does not target the Vatican or God", she said in an email to The Los Angeles Times. "Assertions that NSA has targeted the Vatican, published in Italy's Panorama magazine, are not true."
The NSA’s post-Sept. 11 surveillance programs are coming under increased criticism at home and abroad, capped by recent revelations that the NSA monitored German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone and those of up to 34 other world leaders. Those reports relied on documents provided by former NSA analyst Edward Snowden.

Documents released by Snowden have not yet produced any revelations of the NSA's spying on God, but according to some sources there are many yet to be released.
Congressional leaders who have been staunch supporters of the NSA programs are now saying it is time for a close examination. Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, said, "We live in a Christian nation.  God has Constitutional rights too you know. Enough is enough with this out of control wiretapping."

Sarah Palin, who has been crisscrossing the country touting her new book about the "war on Christmas", said that she was shocked, but not surprised, about the NSA's spying on God.  "Next thing you know they'll be spying on Santa Claus.  We need to put good old Christian values like prayer and Christmas trees back into our government," said Palin.

The White House said Tuesday that President Barack Obama had ordered a full review of the programs and was considering changes.
National Intelligence Director James Clapper defended the secret surveillance that sweeps up phone records and emails of millions of Americans as vital to protecting against terrorists. Clapper had no comment on God.

God had no comment on Clapper, or the wiretapping issue.


Editor's Note:  OK, so some of this is true and some is not.  What difference does it make???

Monday, November 4, 2013

National Security or National Stupidity???

Whaddya mean, lost my sense of humor???
I just want these crooks to give
my damn country back!!!
Here's the latest from the National Security State continues to run amok department!!! It's a story of people (and agencies of the Federal Government) that have totally lost their sense of humor (assuming they ever had one), and therefore have to make everyone else's life as miserable as theirs.  I think it's safe to say that the Republic is in extreme danger when Uncle Sam loses his sense of humor.  Humorists beware; the re-education camps beckon!!!  This is one slippery slope - today some small-time t-shirt shop; tomorrow The Onion!!!

But really folks... the American Empire has been in decline since the end of World War II, and yet continues to hold on even as its share of the world continues to dwindle.  And so we see the desperate measures being taken at all levels to maintain the illusion of power.  Yes, the following story is very real... from Edward Snowden to parody of NSA and Homeland Stupidity Security - CITIZENS BEWARE!!! Big Brother is watching EVERYTHING and then some.  Ain't it grand???

And don't forget that the holiday shopping season is just around the corner.  Get a head start and order Disappearing Civil Liberties Mugs for everyone on your list this year.  It's one-stop shopping that will remind everyone of those precious freedoms that are being flushed down the drain with your hard-earned tax dollars.  So here's the news:

U.S. Bullies Man over “Department of Homeland Stupidity” Mugs

Published in the Corruption Chronicles, the Judicial Watch Blog

October 31, 2013

The feds have threatened to criminally prosecute a novelty store owner who sells products—such as “Department of Homeland Stupidity” coffee mugs—making fun of the U.S. government. Could this be a matter of national security, or that Uncle Sam simply lacks a sense of humor?

To poke fun at the National Security Administration (NSA) the merchant, Dan McCall, sells T-shirts with the agency’s official seal that read: “The NSA: The only part of government that actually listens.” Other parodies say “spying on you since 1952” and “peeping while you’re sleeping.” The designs may seem funny—and possibly represent reality—but to the government it’s no laughing matter. In fact, it’s a serious issue worthy of an investigation and legal action.

The NSA and the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) quickly fired off “cease and desist” letters to the website that sold the products, threatening litigation and criminal prosecution if the parody designs weren’t immediately removed. The agencies claim the parody images violate laws against the misuse, mutilation, alteration or impersonation of government seals. The intimidating communication scared the website enough to remove the items, but McCall isn’t going down without a fight.

In a federal complaint filed this week he claims the government is violating his First Amendment right because the special statutes protecting the NSA and DHS seals from misuse can’t properly be applied to forbid parodies. McCall says his images make fair use of the NSA and DHS seals to “identify federal government agencies as the subject of criticism.” Therefore it’s unconstitutional for the government to forbid him from displaying and selling his parodies to “customers who want to display the items to express their own criticism of NSA and DHS,” according to his complaint.

Furthermore, McCall is not mutilating or altering the agency seals, but rather using them in a parodic form that doesn’t create any likelihood of confusion about the source or sponsorship of the material. No reasonable viewer is likely to believe that any of the materials is affiliated with or sponsored by the DHS or the NSA, the complaint says. “Nor were the seals affixed to the items to be sold with any fraudulent intent.”

In short, the merchant claims that the First Amendment protects his use of the NSA and DHS seals to identify truthfully the agencies that he is criticizing. The two agencies at the center of this brouhaha most certainly have bigger fish to fry. So does the Department of Justice (DOJ), the agency that has threatened to prosecute the mug and T-shirt creator.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Pizza delivery blamed for nuclear safety violations

US Air Force officers entrusted with the launch keys to long-range nuclear missiles have been caught twice this year leaving open a blast door that is intended to help prevent a terrorist or other intruder from entering their underground command post, Air Force officials said.

The blast doors are never to be left open if one of the crew members inside is asleep – as was the case in both these instances – out of concern for the trouble an intruder could cause, including the compromising of secret launch codes.

An investigative report by the Associated Press found that the most recent violations involving the blast doors were caused by the chronic cravings of launch control crews for delivery pizza.  A launch control officer who wished to remain anonymous told AP that Domino's Pizza, which has a contract with Global Strike Command as its sole pizza supplier, requires that the blast doors remain open whenever an order is called in so that the company can fulfill its "30-minutes or it's free" guarantee.

The blast door violations are another sign of trouble in the handling of the nation's nuclear arsenal. The AP has discovered a series of problems within the ICBM force, including a failed safety inspection, the temporary sidelining of launch officers deemed unfit for duty and the abrupt firing last week of the two-star general in charge. They also discovered that delivery personnel for Domino's Pizza, the official pizza supplier for the Global Strike Command, are not required to receive security clearances prior to entering the top-security launch complexes.

The problems, including low morale, underscore the challenges of feeding personnel and keeping safe such a deadly force that is constantly on alert but is unlikely ever to be used.

The willingness of some launch officers to leave the blast door open at times reflects a mindset far removed from Cold War days when the US lived in fear of a nuclear strike by the Soviet Union. It was that fear that provided the original rationale for placing ICBMs in reinforced underground silos and the launch control officers in buried capsules – so that in the event of an attack the officers might survive to launch a counterattack.

Today the fear of such an attack has all but disappeared and, with it, the appeal of strictly following the blast door rule.  

The crews who operate the missiles are still expected to follow rules without fail, including the prohibition against having the blast door open when only one crew member is awake or when expecting a pizza delivery.

An unnamed missileer told AP that launch control officers often order multiple pizzas at a time and freeze them for later consumption in the event of a nuclear war after which they would be stuck underground for an indefinite time period.  The officer said that, "There's nothing more comforting than the aroma of re-heated pizza after Armageddon."

A spokesperson for Global Strike Command said that the agency is reconsidering its relationship with Domino's, and is considering changing suppliers to Papa Murphy's Take 'N' Bake Pizza in order to avoid the problem with blast doors.


Editor's Postscript: Material that was plagiarized and embellished in this post was stolen from an article in The Guardian (http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/23/us-air-force-nuclear-missiles-blast-door).

Friday, October 18, 2013

How the government shutdown really happened

Here's one from the "a picture is worth a thousand words" category. Finally, in simple, graphic detail, we present the best explanation yet for the real inner workings of the recent US Government shutdown. So now you know. With thanks to Jason Patterson and The New Yorker (Oct 21, 2013 issue, Page 36).

If only it were so easy to turn off the destructive antics of those scallywags in Congress who pull down not only nice salaries and perks (courtesy of our tax dollars), but also the endless stream of $$$$$$$$$$ from their corporate masters constituents (courtesy of the seemingly endless tax breaks, subsidies and special treatment they command).

Editor's Note:  Definition of "scallywag" from the Urban Dictionary
1. A person who is known to be a treacherous lying son-of-a-bitch, and usually smells bad. 2. A term of endearment used by pirates.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Congress still working out... even though they aren't working

Despite the U.S. Government shutdown's thousands of closings, curtailments and furloughed employees, the members-only House of Representatives gym or "wellness center"- complete with pool, sauna, steam, basketball and paddleball courts, TVs and associated cleaning and maintenance costs - has stayed open, reportedly on direct orders from John Boehner, who (of course) caused the shutdown in the first place.

House Republicans applaud Boehner for keeping the gym open.
The Senate gym is evidently still open as well, though the gym for lowly staffers is closed.

And most legislators, minus about 130, are still getting paid (for doing nothing of any value).

Meanwhile, Democrats are busy crafting legislation known as the SPA Act (Shutdown Prioritization Act). This bill would prohibit the Architect of the Capitol from operating the Member gym during a government shutdown.

Tuesday evening, Reps. Bill Foster (D-Ill.) and Patrick E. Murphy (D-Fla.) sent an email with the subject "Tell Speaker Boehner: No Government, No Congressional Spa" to Democratic legislative directors.

The email was intercepted by House Republicans.  An angry Boehner responded, "Don't mess with my gym. If the Democrats bring the SPA Act to the floor I will personally see to it that this shutdown goes into overtime!"

The shutdown has furloughed roughly 800,000 federal employees, cut back Head Start and workplace safety, and denied death benefits and burial expenses to the families of four soldiers killed this weekend in Afghanistan.  On the positive side, the Utah National Guard is thrilled to be getting its new $47,174 mechanical bull on Monday, as previously ordered, to help attract recruits at fairs.

When all is said and done - whatever it is that gets done in a place like Washed Up Deceit - We the People can be thankful that our elected officials are taking such good care of THEMSELVES?!?!?!


Editor's Note: Thanks to Abby Zimmet at CommonDreams.org for being on top of this major news item(http://www.commondreams.org/further/2013/10/08-0) Other source: http://www.nbcwashington.com/investigations/House-Gym-Remains-Open-Despite-Shutdown-226972671.html.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Nukes Ready to Launch Despite Government Shutdown

Hard working (at least those who still have jobs) Americans want to know that their nation's nuclear forces are unaffected by the partial government shutdown.  They need to feel the security that comes with knowing that the thermonuclear-armed missiles ready to launch at those pesky North Koreans (or perhaps Iranians or some other country we haven't yet turned into a pariah state) are being maintained, protected and kept in a state of readiness for that magical moment of nuclear holocaust.

Well, have no fear (or perhaps you should): "Strategic nuclear missiles, submarines, and bombers remain ready despite the U.S. government shutdown and the furloughing of some nuclear force workers, according to the U.S. Strategic Command." That's the official word from an article in The Washington Free Beacon. Here's more from that article.

The federal shutdown caused some civilian nuclear force employees to go on emergency furlough, but operational military forces are unaffected by government closures, a Command spokeswoman said. [Phew!!!]  

“I can say with full confidence that the U.S. nuclear force remains safe, secure, and effective and, at this point, we are not standing down any operational assets,” Navy Capt. Pamela Kunze, director of Stratcom public affairs said. [Hmmm... At what "point" might they stand down some operational assets???]
(scene from the film Dr. Strangelove)
The Omaha-based Strategic Command is in charge of all nuclear deterrence and war fighting forces, including 450 Minuteman III land-based intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs); 14 strategic nuclear missile submarines, each armed with 24 Trident missiles; and 20 B-2 and 78 B-52 nuclear bombers. [Wow, that's a whole lotta "deterrence"!!!]

Most of the ICBMs are on high-alert status that allows them to be launched almost immediately on warning of an imminent nuclear attack on the United States, or after an attack. [Let's hope it's not a false warning!!!]

The missiles are under tight controls and security and require two people to fire them after orders from the national command authority. [Isn't that a relief?!?!?!]

After a 2007 incident when active nuclear missiles were carried by mistake on bombers from Minot, N.D., to Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana, security and handling procedures were improved, according to a Congressional Research Service (CRS) report published in June. [You have to wonder why NO ONE followed the procedures already in place (and why they needed to be "improved")!!!]

Government studies after the mishap found that nuclear forces “had been allowed to atrophy, with evident declines in morale, cohesion, and capability,” the CRS report said. [That certainly instills confidence!!!]  
(more from Dr. Strangelove)

As recently as May, press reports revealed “new concerns about the capabilities and morale of ICBM launch officers,” the report said, noting that the Air Force removed 17 launch officers from duty and sent them for new training. [And now the second in command at STRATCOM gets busted for using counterfeit poker chips at the local casino!!!]

Naval strategic nuclear forces also are systems that can fire nuclear missiles rapidly and normally eight to 10 missile submarines remain on regular patrols in both the Atlantic and Pacific. [Let's hope they don't fire them too "rapidly"!!!]

U.S. strategic bombers also are ready for fast deployment. Two B-52s conducted simulated nuclear strikes near North Korea during exercises in March in response to heightened threats and rhetoric by the communist regime in Pyongyang. [Speaking of poker, we'll see you Kim Jong-un and raise the ante!!!]

According to Stratcom commander Gen. C. Robert Kehler, 60 percent of Stratcom’s force is made up of civilians. [So, all those civilian jobs are non-essential???]

Details on the impact of the shutdown on strategic nuclear force personnel were not immediately available. [As if "details" will ever be available.]

(Read the rest of the article at http://freebeacon.com/nukes-deemed-essential/)

Friday, October 4, 2013

Did we really vote for these (fill in the blank)____________ in Congress?!?!?!

Yes, both houses of Congress passed the The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act... the President signed it into law... all done by the book... and that was over three (3) years ago. So, did I miss something???  Obviously a whole bunch of people in Congress missed a whole lot!!! Thanks for clearing it up for us John.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Anti-nuclear jellyfish shut down Swedish nuke plant

It wasn't a tsunami but it had the same effect: A huge cluster of jellyfish forced one of the world's largest nuclear reactors to shut down - a phenomenon that marine biologists say could become more common. Operators of the Oskarshamn nuclear plant in southeastern Sweden had to scramble reactor number three on Sunday after tons of jellyfish clogged the pipes that bring in cool water to the plant's turbines. By Tuesday, the pipes had been cleaned of the jellyfish and engineers were preparing to restart the reactor, which at 1,400 megawatts of output is the largest boiling-water reactor in the world, said Anders Osterberg, a spokesman for OKG, the plant operator.

All three Oskharshamn reactors are boiling-water types, the same technology at Japan's Fukushima Daiichi plant that suffered a catastrophic failure in 2011 after a tsunami breached the facility's walls and flooded its equipment.

Jellyfish are not a new problem for nuclear power plants. Last year the California-based Diablo Canyon facility had to shut its reactor two after gobs of sea salp - a gelatinous, jellyfish-like organism - clogged intake pipes. In 2005, the first unit at Oskarshamn was temporarily turned off due to a sudden jellyfish influx.

Nuclear power plants need a constant flow of water to cool their reactor and turbine systems, which is why many such plants are built near large bodies of water.

Marine biologists, meanwhile, say they would not be surprised if more jellyfish shutdowns occur in the future.

"It's true that there seems to be more and more of these extreme cases of blooming jellyfish," said Lene Moller, a researcher at the Swedish Institute for the Marine Environment. "But it's very difficult to say if there are more jellyfish, because there is no historical data."

The species that caused the Oskarshamn shutdown is known as the common moon jellyfish.

"It's one of the species that can bloom in extreme areas that . . . are overfished or have bad conditions," said Moller. "The moon jelly likes these types of waters. They don't care if there are algae blooms, they don't care if the oxygen concentration is low. The fish leave . . . and (the moon jelly) can really take over the ecosystem."

Moller said the biggest problem was that there's no monitoring of jellyfish in the Baltic Sea to produce the data that scientists need to figure out how to tackle the issue.

Thanks to the Associated Press for this news item. Source URL: http://m.apnews.com/ap/db_268781/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=mv4AbzSn

Editor's Note:  Global warming = changes in temperature, food and currents = jellyfish migration = potential big trouble for nuclear power plants!!!

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Twinkies' shelf-life nearly doubles!

The US Department of Homeland Security has teamed up with the new owners of Hostess Brands to increase the shelf-life of Twinkies snack cakes.

With ever-increasing concerns about the inability of government agencies to assist survivors in certain catastrophic disaster scenarios for weeks or longer, Homeland Security turned to the makers of the beloved snack food for help.

The cream-filled Twinkies many Americans grew up snacking during the Cold War made a comeback after being off shelves for nearly nine months following the bankruptcy of Hostess Brands.

According to the new owners, those spongy yellow cakes taste remarkably like the original.  The package lists a whopping 25 ingredients, and the new Twinkies have a shelf-life of 45 days, nearly three weeks longer than the 26 day shelf-life just a year ago.

With the increased shelf-life, Homeland Security has added Twinkies to its official list of supplies approved for home fallout shelters.

When asked to comment, Daren Metropoulos, principal of Metropoulos & Co., one of the two companies that bought the rights to Twinkies from the bankrupt Hostess Brands earlier this year, said he was pleased with the government's endorsement of his company's product.

He added that researchers in the company's product development laboratory are currently working to increase the Twinkies' shelf life even longer - up to six months.  "Who knows," Metropoulos mused, "in a full-scale nuclear war people will be stuck in those bomb shelters for a long time. They're going to need comfort food"

Friday, August 16, 2013

NUKES... Fail and the whole world fails with you!!!

Rachel Maddow (part of the remaining "free" press) gives us the low down on what's up with our nation's nuclear arsenal and the people tasked with keeping those weapons absolutely safe and secure. Ever get a "D" in school???  Well, it's not the kind of grade you want somebody getting in nuclear weapons handling!!! Perhaps the Air Force should start using a Pass/Fail grading system...

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Here is the transcript of Rachel going nuclear on the Air Force's academic failures:

>>> okay, the nuclear football is the presidential brief case that has its own 24-hour military escort who follows the president around everywhere. if president obama ever wanted to unleash nuclear warfare, he would turn to that military escort, open up the nuclear football brief case thingy, give the command, to launch the world-altering nuclear bomb or missile. if president obama ever decided to do that, said missile could very well be launched from here, lovely north dakota. if you are lucky enough to be a part of the air force's missile wing in north dakota, part of your job is storing and maintaining and ultimately being ready to launch the inter-continental ballistic missile. the ones who take care of those nuclear missiles are at the arrest force base in great falls, montana, and cheyenne, wyoming. those are the three spots, we built them by the thousands to point at the soviet union back in the day, while the soviet union built thousands of their own to point back at us. they may not still seem like the most pressing national security priority anymore now that the soviet union does not exist, but we never got rid of these things. and with hundreds of them still around and ready to go, somebody has got to keep them around and ready to go. they have got to be cleaned and maintained and kept track of. and occasionally moved around the country. so we employ u.s. air force personnel to take care of that. on august 29th, 2007, one of the air force's weapons handling team at minot, north dakota, was tasked with the de-commissioned nuclear weapons down to their base in louisiana. the missiles were not supposed to be shipped with their live nuclear war heads, the war head part was supposed to be taken have you the missiles and replaced with dummy weight for balance. but in august, 2007, instead of picking up the missiles with the dummy weights on them, the minot crew did not see what they were supposed to be doing. they didn't follow the procedures they were supposed to be following. and oh, yes, accidentally, without meaning to, without knowing that they had done it, they loaded onto that louisiana-bound air force bomber six missiles tipped with live nuclear war heads. half a dozen nuclear war heads, each with roughly the capacity to cause hiroshima times ten were sent up into the air on a cross-country domestic american flight without anybody knowing they were there. happily the plane had no trouble in flight. and because nobody knew to worry about the -- you know, beast, it just seemed like a normal flight, that b-52 and the six live missiles sat unguarded on the tarmac for nine hours after the plane landed before the ground crew realized they had accidentally become a nuclear-armed out post without clearance and without anybody following the procedures you need to follow to protect the nuclear weapons. well, in the wake of that incident in 2007, the secretary of the air force and the chief of staff both lost their jobs, as did a number of low level commanders. minot had a number of its nuclear operations suspended. and when they first tried to win back the nuclear weapons, minot did not help out when they failed their inspections. elsewhere, they failed the inspection in 2008, which was the year after the accidentally flying the bombs to the louisiana thing, they failed inspection in 2008 and in 2010, and they failed again, another nuclear inspection. in minot, they did win back the right to handle the nuclear weapons, once they accidentally lost them in shreveport, they earned the equivalent of a d letter grade, which you remember from school is not failure but really is not good. after that d-grade inspection, the deputy commander of minot's operations group complained publicly that the united states was suffering from a rot in the nuclear weapons handling force. that was his word. rot. 17 officers removed from launch control duty. they were temporarily stripped of their authority to launch number weapons. then in june, the air force relieved from duty the commander in charge of framing the nuclear crew at minot, and now, this week, it is the base in montana that is reportedly failing again. it is one thing to be a part of something that does not matter. if we screw up in cable news, or fishing or something, that is bad. but not the end of the world. handling nuclear weapons is something that you just can't keep failing at. but we do. the chairman of the armed services committee had a spokesperson give a statement for him after this latest failure saying "two troubling inspections in a row at two different missile wings is unacceptable." but what does he say the solution is to this unacceptable problem? he says the air force should recommission itself from the top down to a new mission. and ensure a daily focus on the military mission to our nation's security. refocus on the centrality of that mission? really? how central is it? the idea if we could focus on how central the power of nuclear bombs is to our everyday national security now. yeah, why can't we just wake up every morning, knowing it is our nuclear bombs, our hair-trigger nuclear missiles pointed at the soviet union that are central to american national security in this century, today. either we convince ourselves of that and hope that minot becomes the new a-game top of the class performers in the u.s. military because everybody is so psyched that military bombs are the future of the security, that may start to have a conversation about just not having quite so many of these bombs laying around to baby-sit anymore. when your nuclear weapons handlers are failing consistently, something really needs to change. there is a lot of places that can endure failure, nuclear weapons handling is not one of those areas. that does it for us, we'll see you again tomorrow night. now it is time for "the last word" with lawrence o'donnell,

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


Hey Kids!!!  Doctor Nuke here, telling you that nuclear war isn't nearly as bad as people have been telling you.  Why, back in the 1960s they had a pretty good idea of how to survive such a calamity (assuming you weren't incinerated, irradiated or blown to bits by the initial blast).

Our government spent a great deal of time, energy and money helping citizens prepare.  Heck, the government was so well prepared it even had a plan to deliver the mail and collect taxes (so it could prepare for the next war).

Well, with all the brouhaha about all those nuclear weapons still out there ready to start the Big One... (and don't forget what would happen if those pesky terrorists get their hands on one of those bad boys), we should all be prepared for the inevitable (it's just a matter of time you know).

Well, here's the definitive video to tell you everything you need to know to survive Armageddon.  This Civil Defense educational film is as informative (and useful) today as it was in 1965.  Check out How to Survive Nuclear War: Radioactive Fallout and Shelter... and don't forget to duck and cover!!!

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The NSA Comes Clean... at last!!!

Hey Kids!!! The NSA finally comes clean on all this electronic eavesdropping stuff, and guess what??? It's all been for our own good!!!  Aren't you relieved???

Thanks to Tom Tomorrow for clearing this all up for us.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Dr. King Legacy of Equality, Diversity Strengthens Command

Commentary by Warren Ward
Air Force Global Strike Command Programming Division

1/21/2013 - BARKSDALE AIR FORCE BASE, La. -- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s 83rd birthday was Jan. 15. . . His courageous crusade for equality was first nationally recognized on Jan. 20, 1986, when President Reagan established the third Monday in January as an official federal government holiday.

Our country, our Air Force and Air Force Global Strike Command can learn much from Dr. King's drive for America to be a nation of equals. . . During his "I Have a Dream" speech given at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. on Aug. 28, 1963, King told a gathering of more than 200,000 Americans, "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the meaning of its creed, 'We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.'"

Dr. King completed his moving presentation with an emphasis on the freedom that equality brings, "...from every mountainside, let freedom ring. . . And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men, white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing the words of the old Negro spiritual: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!"

The Department of Defense is a leader in equal opportunity for all patriots seeking to serve this great nation. . . The vigilant warriors in AFGSC understand they are all equal and unified in purpose to provide a safe, secure and effective deterrent force for the United States. . .

Dr. King would be proud to see our Global Strike team - comprised of Airmen, civilians and contractors from every race, creed, background and religion - standing side-by-side ensuring the most powerful weapons in the U.S. arsenal remain the credible bedrock of our national defense. . . Our team must overlook our differences to ensure perfection as we maintain and operate our weapon systems. . . Maintaining our commitment to our Global Strike team, our families and our nation is a fitting tribute to Dr. King as we celebrate his legacy.


This one is 100 percent authentic (right down to the photo graphic)!  Yes, it was really written by Warren Ward of the U.S. Air Force Global Strike Command Programming Division.  Can you believe this guy?!?!?!  I guess this guy never listened to or read Dr. King's "Beyond Vietnam" speech.  Besides pulling a few quotes from the only speech quoted by the corporate press around Dr. King's birthday, he probably hasn't read anything else written by Dr. King.  Ward is either extremely ignorant or was attempting to twist Dr. King's dream to support the aspirations of a fading empire.

The author definitely wasn't listening when Dr. King said, "When scientific power outruns spiritual power, we end up with guided missiles and misguided men."

Speaking of dreams, I could not have dreamed this one up.  And if you still don't believe me, read it yourself at the Air Force Global Strike Command website: http://www.afgsc.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123333051 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Rogue Seals takes over Trident sub

Silverdale, Washington  A rogue Seal team breached security at a Trident nuclear submarine base in Washington State.

In an unannounced exercise rogue Seals took over the USS Nevada SSBN 733, a Trident ballistic missile submarine, while tied up to the pier at the Bangor Trident submarine base at Silverdale, Washington in the early morning hours on January 22nd.

According to Navy officials the takeover was short lived. The Seals were quickly driven topside and off the ship by quick acting members of the ship's security detail.

Photo: Courtesy of U.S. Navy
In preparation for the exercise the Seals studied the 2009 incursion by the Disarm Now Plowshares, a group of elderly peace activists who breached multiple levels of security at the sub base and nuclear weapons storage depot before being captured by base security personnel.  The five members of the Plowshares action made it through the final security fence into the nuclear weapons storage bunker area of the Strategic Weapons Facility, Pacific (SWFPAC) before being detected.

The seals went undetected by the Marine Mammal Base Protection Detail that was patrolling Hood Canal at the time of the incursion.  Members of the detail were questioned about their whereabouts during the incursion, and all denied having been drinking on the job.  They were, however, observed feasting on shrimp earlier in the morning by fishermen working nearby.  They also denied any prior contact with the rogue seal team.  
Rogue Seal in custody (Navy file photo)
A Navy spokesperson said that although this was a serious breech of security, at no time were the nuclear weapons on board the submarine in any danger.  He also stated that they would undertake a full investigation to determine where security can be improved.  

The spokesperson denied that the Navy was considering consulting with any of the members of the Disarm Now Plowshares regarding security improvements on the base.


Editor's Note:  Thanks to comic co-conspirator Shelley Douglass for giving me this idea AND for much of the content!  The Navy actually has a Swimmer Interdiction System staffed by ever capable marine mammals (dolphins and sea lions) to apprehend any pesky terrorists who might try to swim undetected to do some sort of mischief to our nation's Strategic Nuclear Deterrent. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

No room for Drones in this Dream

Dear Friends, 

I spent my day with approximately 7000 fellow resident's of the World House (in Seattle, Washington) celebrating the birth (and incredibly full life) of a great peacemaker and possibly the greatest prophetic voice of modern times.  I have hesitated to share this visual as I do not want to be disrespectful in any way.  That being said, the contrasts between these two people are staggering.  For President Obama to invoke Martin Luther King Jr. in any way after the past four years is unconscionable.  To earn that Nobel Peace Prize President Obama needs to start living out the words he speaks; otherwise it is merely empty rhetoric.

Happy Birthday Dr. King.  We will hold Obama's feet to the proverbial fire.  He will either live up to his promises (such as those in his famous Prague speech on nuclear weapons) or get burned.  We will uphold the rich legacy you left for us.  We are in it for the long haul.

There is certainly no room for drones in Dr. King's dream!

In Peace and Toward a Just and Peaceful (Nuclear Free) World,


Monday, January 7, 2013

Organic Plutonium: Get it while it's HOT!

If you've had problems sourcing organic Plutonium lately, have no fear.  There might still be some cans left on the shelves at The Black Hole, Los Alamos, New Mexico.  Granted, now that The Black Hole's proprietor, Ed Grothus, is no longer with us - rest in peace Ed - many of Ed's signature items are hard to come by.

The 8 ounce size Organic Plutonium was always a HOT item.  People from many countries, including Iran, North Korea, Myanmar, Israel and Brazil used to come asking for Ed's signature Organic Plutonium.

Organic Plutonium is fat free, wheat free, dairy free, GMO free, zero calories, vegan, no artificial colors or flavors, AND no sugar added.  Hmmmm Good!!!  And HOT!!!  What's more, it contains 14.0726918 nutritious Curies of radiation.  Yum!

Don't see a "use by" date on the can?  No worries!  The Plutonium 239, just like the stuff used in those thermonuclear warheads, has a half life of 24,000 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It will keep forever.  Now that's shelf life! 

Note to people with nut allergies: This product is made in facilities run by a bunch of nuts.

For Christmas, 1996, Ed sent a can marked ORGANIC PLUTONIUM to then-President Clinton. “In his letter to the President, Ed said ‘If you eat this, you’ll walk with a halo’,” says Ed. “‘If you feed some to Socks [Clinton's cat], the cat’ll walk with a halo.’” The Secret Service was not amused, and — as Ed commemorates in a newspaper clipping he proudly displayed near his front desk — they showed up to “see if there was any insanity in my family.”

Those of us who work in the nuclear weapons abolition business know where the real nuts are!!!

Wondering whether Organic Plutonium is safe for human consumption???  Don't worry!  The U.S. government began testing Plutonium on human subjects in 1945, and continued its testing into the 1970s.  From pregnant women to developmentally disabled children, the government tested Plutonium on a wide range of subjects.  That's our tax dollars hard at work!?!?!?

So stock up on some Organic Plutonium today.  There just might be a few cans left if the folks from the Nunn-Lugar Cooperative Threat Reduction (CTR) Program didn't get there first.

Be sure to check Groupon.com for a coupon good for 20 percent off your first can.