About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Organic Plutonium: Get it while it's HOT!

If you've had problems sourcing organic Plutonium lately, have no fear.  There might still be some cans left on the shelves at The Black Hole, Los Alamos, New Mexico.  Granted, now that The Black Hole's proprietor, Ed Grothus, is no longer with us - rest in peace Ed - many of Ed's signature items are hard to come by.

The 8 ounce size Organic Plutonium was always a HOT item.  People from many countries, including Iran, North Korea, Myanmar, Israel and Brazil used to come asking for Ed's signature Organic Plutonium.

Organic Plutonium is fat free, wheat free, dairy free, GMO free, zero calories, vegan, no artificial colors or flavors, AND no sugar added.  Hmmmm Good!!!  And HOT!!!  What's more, it contains 14.0726918 nutritious Curies of radiation.  Yum!

Don't see a "use by" date on the can?  No worries!  The Plutonium 239, just like the stuff used in those thermonuclear warheads, has a half life of 24,000 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It will keep forever.  Now that's shelf life! 

Note to people with nut allergies: This product is made in facilities run by a bunch of nuts.

For Christmas, 1996, Ed sent a can marked ORGANIC PLUTONIUM to then-President Clinton. “In his letter to the President, Ed said ‘If you eat this, you’ll walk with a halo’,” says Ed. “‘If you feed some to Socks [Clinton's cat], the cat’ll walk with a halo.’” The Secret Service was not amused, and — as Ed commemorates in a newspaper clipping he proudly displayed near his front desk — they showed up to “see if there was any insanity in my family.”

Those of us who work in the nuclear weapons abolition business know where the real nuts are!!!

Wondering whether Organic Plutonium is safe for human consumption???  Don't worry!  The U.S. government began testing Plutonium on human subjects in 1945, and continued its testing into the 1970s.  From pregnant women to developmentally disabled children, the government tested Plutonium on a wide range of subjects.  That's our tax dollars hard at work!?!?!?

So stock up on some Organic Plutonium today.  There just might be a few cans left if the folks from the Nunn-Lugar Cooperative Threat Reduction (CTR) Program didn't get there first.

Be sure to check Groupon.com for a coupon good for 20 percent off your first can.

No comments:

Post a Comment