About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Monday, June 25, 2018

US pulls out of the United Nations; No one notices

UNITED NATIONS, June 25, 2018 (The Loose Nukes) -- UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres regretted the withdrawal of the United States from the United Nations, said his spokesman earlier today.

"The secretary-general would have preferred for the United States to remain in the global body," said Stephane Dujarric, the spokesman, in a note to correspondents. "The United Nations came into being in 1945, following the devastation of the Second World War, with one central mission: the maintenance of international peace and security. The UN also promotes and protects human rights, promotes sustainable development, and upholds international law. The support of the US working for these goals, rather than against them, would be a huge boost for the UN."

The remarks came shortly after U.S. Permanent Representative to the United Nations Nikki Haley announced in Washington that the United States is officially withdrawing from the UN. The message was met by a standing ovation on the floor of the General Assembly, where 192 member states - the US was conspicuously absent - were convened. The session resumed without any more mention of the US.

U.S. President Donald Donald Trump spoke of his decision, saying, “The United Nations has such great potential but right now it is just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time. So sad! It's a bad deal for the US. We should get our money back."

A White House source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Trump's decision came immediately following a meeting with his National Security Advisor, John Bolton.

Bolton is known for having said, in a 1994 speech referring to the UN's headquarters, that, "The Secretariat building in New York has 38 stories; if you lost 10 stories today, it wouldn't make a bit of difference," He added later: "There's no such thing as the United Nations."

In Geneva, the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights Zeid Ra'ad Al Hussein responded that the U.S. withdrawal is "not really surprising. The US has been going it alone for quite a while. This decision is the culmination of that decline."

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Uncle Sam says "So long, suckers! I Quit!"

WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – In the greatest White House personnel shakeup in history, Uncle Sam gave notice that he is retiring.

Sam, who has been on the job since 1813, said that he has finally had enough, saying, “I'm tired of being the spokesman for warmongering, racist, oil-hungry scum!”

In an unprecedented and surprise appearance before The White House Press Corps this morning, Sam appeared visibly shaken by recent events. He ranted for ten minutes about what has happened to our country and “what a damn mess Trump has made of it.” 

He also referred to Friday's missile strikes against Syria as "the last straw." The Congress has become a complete joke; they've handed the President a blank check for war and just about anything else he wants. And don't get me started on Bolton!"

I really thought I was doing right by the American people over the past 200-plus years, but I can see clearly now that I have been used time and time again as a pawn for these low-lifes who have insidiously taken over our nation. While we have been sold a bill of goods about outside threats like communism and terrorists, we've been taken over by a bunch of greedy wolves who are getting rich off the sweat of hardworking American taxpayers. And that's just so wrong.”

Sam nearly began to cry when asked about his iconic “I want you” posters that have been responsible for countless young Americans joining the military. After regaining his composure he said, “I sincerely regret luring so many of our young people to fight in U.S. wars of aggression. Retired Marine Corps General Smedley Butler got it right when he said that “War Is A Racket.” And it certainly is a profitable one for the Military-Industrial Complex. Damn, I wish I had listened to Eisenhower back in the day. We could have saved so many young people from needless death and suffering, not to mention the carnage and ill will we've created overseas.

Sam lamented how he wished he had the energy to get out in the streets and protest with the people, but said that, “After a couple centuries you just loose steam.”

When asked where he is going upon his retirement, sam replied, “Where the hell can you go. No place is out of reach of U.S. military power or its nuclear weapons. I'm thinking of taking my savings and buying a time-share in an RV park doomsday shelter. That seems like the best investment these days. I am so glad I bought that Armageddon 2000 travel trailer before they sold out. I will head out on the open road after completing some well-deserved psychotherapy to work on my recently diagnosed PTSD. ”

Friday, March 30, 2018

Trump picks "Fox and Friends" to do White House press briefings

WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – In yet another White House personnel shakeup, Chief of Staff John Kelley earlier today announced the firing of White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Kelley, looking baffled as he faced the White House press corp, said that, “President Trump has personally chosen the co-anchors of Fox News' “Fox and Friends” to replace Sanders. Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt and Brian Kilmeade will take turns doing White House press briefings in order to have the least impact on their popular morning show.”

In an early morning Tweet, Trump said, “Thank you to @foxandfriends for for being soooo great! We are going to have so much fun! Oh yeah!”

When asked by a reporter why he fired Sanders, Trump replied, “It's about change. There will always be change, I want to see change, and I think you want to see change. And you're gonna love these new guys. They are such great communicators. Great people at Fox, and these are the greatest, besides Bolton; he's great too.”

Sanders was briefly surrounded by members of the White House Press Corp as she was being escorted out of the White House. She refused to answer reporters' questions, although she was overheard muttering something about “moron” as she exited through the security gate.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders surrounded by members of The White House
Press Corp as she leaves The White House.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

The New and Improved Armageddon 2000!

Remember the Armageddon 2000? The Armageddon 2000 Nuclear Hardened Travel Trailer is the only travel trailer that you can enjoy all year long and, when the mushroom clouds start to appear on the horizon, instantly converts into a bomb shelter.

We introduced the Armageddon 2000 way back when President Trump was about to take office, and since then sales have gone through the roof. There is a one-year waiting period to get one (humanity should last that long)! And you can bet that all those people on the waiting list are getting nervous as Trump's days in office seem to go on forever and his Tweets keep pushing the world closer to the coming Trumpocalypse.

Armageddon 2000 inventor Dave Patterson with the new
and improved version at an undisclosed location during
recent performance tests. Note the glow emitted
 by the plasma generator when engaged.
If your were one of the early adopters, and have your Armageddon 2000 parked and ready for action, you are in luck. Legendary shelter designer Dave Patterson, a member of Veterans for Peace, San Diego Chapter, has introduced a brand new feature that can be retrofitted onto your Armageddon 2000.

This amazing new feature is the Ionized Radiation Plasma Deflection Generator (IRPDG). The IRPDG drives all ionizing radiation away from the Armageddon 2000 while engaged. That means you can pull out the lawn chairs and have a barbecue without worrying about your hair falling out (and a slew of other unpleasant symptoms of radiation exposure) on those ribs (or vegan barbecue option).

The plasma generator performed admirably during recent performance tests, and the manufacturer guarantees that it will perform at or beyond specifications during the real thing.

Consider buying an Armageddon 2000 with the new Ionized Radiation Plasma Deflection Generator feature, or have yours retrofitted! Appointments are available, and it takes just a few hours to install.

And be sure to check out the other new features and options of the soon-to-be-released 2018 Armageddon 2000, including extra large refrigerator and bluetooth capability. All electronics on the 2018 model have been modified with vacuum tubes, old-school technology proven to minimize the effects of nuclear electromagnetic pulse (EMP).

The Armageddon 2000 - a heck of a lot better than hiding under a school desk (and a whole lot more fun).

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

What's better than a bomb shelter? The Armeggedon 2000!

I know, I know... everyone's in crisis mode now that President-Elect Trump is about to take over The White House, and will have total (and essentially unchallenged) authority to launch nuclear weapons. Egads!!!

So you've been thinking about digging a bomb shelter like people did back in the day. But you live in an apartment, or the soil in your back yard has rocks the size of an elephant. What are you supposed to do (besides "duck and cover")?

Well, dig no further. If you've got a vehicle with a trailer hitch, you are in luck!

Introducing the Armageddon 2000 Nuclear Hardened Travel Trailer. It's the only travel trailer that you can enjoy all year long and, when the mushroom clouds start to appear on the horizon, instantly converts into a bomb shelter.

The Armageddon 2000 is built with special materials to resist incineration from a nuclear blast. It boasts lead shielding and Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) protection for all your sensitive electronics. Coupled with special air filters designed to keep your breathing air radioisotope free, and extra large capacity water tanks, the Armageedon 2000 is just what you need to survive any nuclear war, whether at home or away.

The Armageddon 2000 ready to deploy!
Should you decide to let a lucky few people join you in your new portable digs, they will immediately recognize your rolling bomb shelter thanks to the official civil defense insignia posted prominently by the entrance door.

Designed by legendary shelter designer Dave Patterson, a member of Veterans for Peace, San Diego Chapter, the Armageddon 2000 will let you roll down to the beach at sunset, then watch the sun rise twice, or maybe a hundred times, and finally kick back and wait a few decades once it's finally safe to go outside or all your canned food runs out (whichever comes first) and breathe the air or drink the water or eat anything that might grow after the long nuclear winter.

A host of cool optional accessories are available, including continuous radioisotope monitoring instrumentation and direct communications link to the US Government's Cheyenne Mountain to receive advance warning of pending nuclear attack so you can beat the masses to the best KOA campsites near you.

The Armageddon 2000 is not only stylish and streamlined; it is AFFORDABLE! Why spend all that time and money to build an in-ground bomb shelter, when you can have one right now - you never know when the bombs will start dropping - for far less money, and be able to take to any number of scenic spots AND get a free campsite!

It doesn't get any better than the Armageddon 2000. Call today. Operators are standing by...

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

A Very Expensive Way to Fry Chicken

Here's one from the "What the Hell were these people thinking?!?!?!" files.

Back in the 1950s the nuclear powers didn't have anything better to do than create newer and more absurd nuclear weapons systems. It's almost as if they were in a contest (albeit a deadly one) to see who could build the stupidest contraption; of course, nuclear weapons (and the people who would consider using them) are pretty stupid. This one probably would have garnered the attentions of animal welfare groups had it not been top secret.

In the 1950s, physicists in the United Kingdom designed a nuclear land mine that would be placed along the West German border to stop a hypothetical Soviet ground assault on the rest of Europe, according to a BBC report. The landmine, dubbed Operation Blue Peacock, would be operated remotely (however that was going to work) so that it could be detonated at the moment when it could inflict maximal damage on the invading Soviet army.

But the weapon had a major hitch. Buried underground, it was possible that the mine would become so cold that the detonator would not function. In 1957, British nuclear physicists found a solution: chickens.

Not much room for the poor chickens!
That's right; one of the options (to keep the critical components warm) these geniuses came up with was to remodel the mine's interior to create a lovely chicken coop. The plan was to supply the chickens with enough seed and water to keep them alive (for awhile), and their body heat would be enough to keep everything ready to blow. We understand that the chickens were expected to live only a week, after which time some poor soul would have to open it up, clean out the mess, and pop in a fresh batch of chickens.

I certainly wonder what might have happened had the chickens run out of food and started pecking at the wires and other things that initiate the nuclear detonation???

The landmines designed in Operation Blue Peacock were thought to yield a 10-kiloton explosion, which is roughly half the explosive yield of the bomb that incinerated Nagasaki. Such destructive potential ultimately led to the abandonment of the project as the British realized that there would be an unacceptable amount of nuclear fallout from such a blast. I can't imagine why anyone was worried about that back in those days.

By 1958, after the production of only two prototypes, Operation Blue Peacock was abandoned after it was decided that this was much too expensive a method for cooking chicken. And the chickens rejoiced.

And hopefully, the physicists involved found new and different lines of work.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

A Little Help for Jeremy Corbin's Nuclear Weapons Policy

The big news out of the United Kingdom these days is that Labour Leader Jeremy Corbin, the person who one day could have his finger poised over the little (or maybe it's big) red nuclear button, has stated unequivocably that he would never push the button [that would send the message to Trident submarine crews to launch their Trident II D-5 missiles bristling with really nasty thermonuclear warheads that would bring about the end of tourism in whatever part of the world those missiles land].

However, there is just one slight problem with Corbin's position. On a recent BBC news program, panelists reminded us that "if Corbin becomes Prime Minister but the party decides to keep Trident, it will be tricky, because there is no point in having a nuclear deterrent unless you're willing to use that crucial element of bluff, and Jeremy Corbin doesn't seem like the kind that can" (bluff that is) - he's no poker player.

Well, one of the panelists on the BBC show The News Quiz has come up with a brilliant solution. Andy Hamilton says, "If we don't have nuclear weapons, but pretend that we do... we could still have a red button... It wouldn't be hard; we'd build missiles out of cardboard or recycled plastic or whatever... so they show up on... satellite photos; mysterious convoys going up and down; fake the occasional accident; fence off Wales..."

Of course, this is not necessarily an altogether original idea. The North Koreans are geniuses when it comes to clever uses for cardboard (and other cheap materials made in forced labor camps). Just look at how the world pays attention when fearless leader Kim Jong-un thumps his chest and crows about his latest nuclear feat.

A North Korean prototype.
So there you go! We just "scrap Trident but don't tell anyone it's been scrapped. Brilliant!!!

Rather than wasting billions of pounds (or in the case of the United States roughly a hundred billion dollars; $1,000,000,000 Billion) for a Trident replacement, we could simply pretend to have built a replacement.

Since the official policy of the US (and I'm sure it's the same for the UK) is to "neither confirm nor deny the presence of nuclear weapons," what's the difference?

Hey, it works for North Korea!
Just think of the savings. The big question is, can we trust the government (either one) to put the money to good use? After all, they decided to build these useless nuclear weapon systems in the first place. But that's another discussion for another day...

At any rate, I think Hamilton might be on to something here... Have a listen at The News Quiz.

Editor's Note: There really is no nuclear button for the President or Prime Minister to push; it's much more complicated than that - phew!