About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Sunday, October 29, 2017

The New and Improved Armageddon 2000!

Remember the Armageddon 2000? The Armageddon 2000 Nuclear Hardened Travel Trailer is the only travel trailer that you can enjoy all year long and, when the mushroom clouds start to appear on the horizon, instantly converts into a bomb shelter.

We introduced the Armageddon 2000 way back when President Trump was about to take office, and since then sales have gone through the roof. There is a one-year waiting period to get one (humanity should last that long)! And you can bet that all those people on the waiting list are getting nervous as Trump's days in office seem to go on forever and his Tweets keep pushing the world closer to the coming Trumpocalypse.

Armageddon 2000 inventor Dave Patterson with the new
and improved version at an undisclosed location during
recent performance tests. Note the glow emitted
 by the plasma generator when engaged.
If your were one of the early adopters, and have your Armageddon 2000 parked and ready for action, you are in luck. Legendary shelter designer Dave Patterson, a member of Veterans for Peace, San Diego Chapter, has introduced a brand new feature that can be retrofitted onto your Armageddon 2000.

This amazing new feature is the Ionized Radiation Plasma Deflection Generator (IRPDG). The IRPDG drives all ionizing radiation away from the Armageddon 2000 while engaged. That means you can pull out the lawn chairs and have a barbecue without worrying about your hair falling out (and a slew of other unpleasant symptoms of radiation exposure) on those ribs (or vegan barbecue option).

The plasma generator performed admirably during recent performance tests, and the manufacturer guarantees that it will perform at or beyond specifications during the real thing.

Consider buying an Armageddon 2000 with the new Ionized Radiation Plasma Deflection Generator feature, or have yours retrofitted! Appointments are available, and it takes just a few hours to install.

And be sure to check out the other new features and options of the soon-to-be-released 2018 Armageddon 2000, including extra large refrigerator and bluetooth capability. All electronics on the 2018 model have been modified with vacuum tubes, old-school technology proven to minimize the effects of nuclear electromagnetic pulse (EMP).

The Armageddon 2000 - a heck of a lot better than hiding under a school desk (and a whole lot more fun).

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

What's better than a bomb shelter? The Armeggedon 2000!

I know, I know... everyone's in crisis mode now that President-Elect Trump is about to take over The White House, and will have total (and essentially unchallenged) authority to launch nuclear weapons. Egads!!!

So you've been thinking about digging a bomb shelter like people did back in the day. But you live in an apartment, or the soil in your back yard has rocks the size of an elephant. What are you supposed to do (besides "duck and cover")?

Well, dig no further. If you've got a vehicle with a trailer hitch, you are in luck!

Introducing the Armageddon 2000 Nuclear Hardened Travel Trailer. It's the only travel trailer that you can enjoy all year long and, when the mushroom clouds start to appear on the horizon, instantly converts into a bomb shelter.

The Armageddon 2000 is built with special materials to resist incineration from a nuclear blast. It boasts lead shielding and Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) protection for all your sensitive electronics. Coupled with special air filters designed to keep your breathing air radioisotope free, and extra large capacity water tanks, the Armageedon 2000 is just what you need to survive any nuclear war, whether at home or away.

The Armageddon 2000 ready to deploy!
Should you decide to let a lucky few people join you in your new portable digs, they will immediately recognize your rolling bomb shelter thanks to the official civil defense insignia posted prominently by the entrance door.

Designed by legendary shelter designer Dave Patterson, a member of Veterans for Peace, San Diego Chapter, the Armageddon 2000 will let you roll down to the beach at sunset, then watch the sun rise twice, or maybe a hundred times, and finally kick back and wait a few decades once it's finally safe to go outside or all your canned food runs out (whichever comes first) and breathe the air or drink the water or eat anything that might grow after the long nuclear winter.

A host of cool optional accessories are available, including continuous radioisotope monitoring instrumentation and direct communications link to the US Government's Cheyenne Mountain to receive advance warning of pending nuclear attack so you can beat the masses to the best KOA campsites near you.

The Armageddon 2000 is not only stylish and streamlined; it is AFFORDABLE! Why spend all that time and money to build an in-ground bomb shelter, when you can have one right now - you never know when the bombs will start dropping - for far less money, and be able to take to any number of scenic spots AND get a free campsite!

It doesn't get any better than the Armageddon 2000. Call today. Operators are standing by...

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

A Very Expensive Way to Fry Chicken

Here's one from the "What the Hell were these people thinking?!?!?!" files.

Back in the 1950s the nuclear powers didn't have anything better to do than create newer and more absurd nuclear weapons systems. It's almost as if they were in a contest (albeit a deadly one) to see who could build the stupidest contraption; of course, nuclear weapons (and the people who would consider using them) are pretty stupid. This one probably would have garnered the attentions of animal welfare groups had it not been top secret.

In the 1950s, physicists in the United Kingdom designed a nuclear land mine that would be placed along the West German border to stop a hypothetical Soviet ground assault on the rest of Europe, according to a BBC report. The landmine, dubbed Operation Blue Peacock, would be operated remotely (however that was going to work) so that it could be detonated at the moment when it could inflict maximal damage on the invading Soviet army.

But the weapon had a major hitch. Buried underground, it was possible that the mine would become so cold that the detonator would not function. In 1957, British nuclear physicists found a solution: chickens.

Not much room for the poor chickens!
That's right; one of the options (to keep the critical components warm) these geniuses came up with was to remodel the mine's interior to create a lovely chicken coop. The plan was to supply the chickens with enough seed and water to keep them alive (for awhile), and their body heat would be enough to keep everything ready to blow. We understand that the chickens were expected to live only a week, after which time some poor soul would have to open it up, clean out the mess, and pop in a fresh batch of chickens.

I certainly wonder what might have happened had the chickens run out of food and started pecking at the wires and other things that initiate the nuclear detonation???

The landmines designed in Operation Blue Peacock were thought to yield a 10-kiloton explosion, which is roughly half the explosive yield of the bomb that incinerated Nagasaki. Such destructive potential ultimately led to the abandonment of the project as the British realized that there would be an unacceptable amount of nuclear fallout from such a blast. I can't imagine why anyone was worried about that back in those days.

By 1958, after the production of only two prototypes, Operation Blue Peacock was abandoned after it was decided that this was much too expensive a method for cooking chicken. And the chickens rejoiced.

And hopefully, the physicists involved found new and different lines of work.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

A Little Help for Jeremy Corbin's Nuclear Weapons Policy

The big news out of the United Kingdom these days is that Labour Leader Jeremy Corbin, the person who one day could have his finger poised over the little (or maybe it's big) red nuclear button, has stated unequivocably that he would never push the button [that would send the message to Trident submarine crews to launch their Trident II D-5 missiles bristling with really nasty thermonuclear warheads that would bring about the end of tourism in whatever part of the world those missiles land].

However, there is just one slight problem with Corbin's position. On a recent BBC news program, panelists reminded us that "if Corbin becomes Prime Minister but the party decides to keep Trident, it will be tricky, because there is no point in having a nuclear deterrent unless you're willing to use that crucial element of bluff, and Jeremy Corbin doesn't seem like the kind that can" (bluff that is) - he's no poker player.

Well, one of the panelists on the BBC show The News Quiz has come up with a brilliant solution. Andy Hamilton says, "If we don't have nuclear weapons, but pretend that we do... we could still have a red button... It wouldn't be hard; we'd build missiles out of cardboard or recycled plastic or whatever... so they show up on... satellite photos; mysterious convoys going up and down; fake the occasional accident; fence off Wales..."

Of course, this is not necessarily an altogether original idea. The North Koreans are geniuses when it comes to clever uses for cardboard (and other cheap materials made in forced labor camps). Just look at how the world pays attention when fearless leader Kim Jong-un thumps his chest and crows about his latest nuclear feat.

A North Korean prototype.
So there you go! We just "scrap Trident but don't tell anyone it's been scrapped. Brilliant!!!

Rather than wasting billions of pounds (or in the case of the United States roughly a hundred billion dollars; $1,000,000,000 Billion) for a Trident replacement, we could simply pretend to have built a replacement.

Since the official policy of the US (and I'm sure it's the same for the UK) is to "neither confirm nor deny the presence of nuclear weapons," what's the difference?

Hey, it works for North Korea!
Just think of the savings. The big question is, can we trust the government (either one) to put the money to good use? After all, they decided to build these useless nuclear weapon systems in the first place. But that's another discussion for another day...

At any rate, I think Hamilton might be on to something here... Have a listen at The News Quiz.

Editor's Note: There really is no nuclear button for the President or Prime Minister to push; it's much more complicated than that - phew!

Monday, July 28, 2014

John Oliver Speaks on Weapons of Mass Insanity

HBO's John Oliver summed up nuclear weapons the other night in one sentence:  “nuclear weapons are basically like America’s T-rex arms, they’re essentially useless.” So there you go!!!

He also says that the public "does not give enough of a sh*t" about nuclear weapons. Of course, in the U.S. we spend most of our time arguing about the really important issues... like gay marriage, a woman's right to control her contraceptive destiny, and a host of really important things that could really bring about the end of the world!!! 

You simply must watch this video of Oliver laying bare how bloody lucky we are to have survived the last nearly 70 years, how stupid we must be to continue to rely on nuclear weapons, and why we simply must get rid of every last one of these omnicidal weapons!!! Simply brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 31, 2014

CND in historic U-turn on nuclear weapons

Editor's Note:  This historic news just in from the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament!!!

Press Office: 07968 420 859 - Switchboard: 020 7700 2393 - E-mail: pressoffice@cnduk.org
Monday, 31 March 2014 - Attn: News desks / Defence / Political correspondents
Embargoed: 00.01 Tuesday 1 April

CND in historic U-turn on nuclear weapons

56 years after the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament was launched by luminaries including JB Priestly and Bertrand Russell, the organisation has finally given its backing to nuclear weapons.

‘We backed the wrong horse,’ said CND’s General Secretary Kate Hudson, in a dramatic U-turn from the organisation’s founding objectives.

‘We should have known that humanity’s penchant for self-destruction would lead inexorably to global nuclear proliferation. And from now on, that’s where our money is going to be put.’
New CNA logo

‘We now wholeheartedly endorse the Government’s assessment that £100bn is better spent on a new generation of weapons of mass destruction than on healthcare, education or green energy.’

‘We also vehemently reject the strategic objections to Trident replacement: we’ve had it up to here with ex-Generals and defence analysts who say nuclear weapons are an obsolete Cold War relic, and that Trident spending is hollowing out the UK’s military.’

‘That’s why from today we’re rebranding as the Campaign for Nuclear Armament. We’ll be ditching the iconic CND symbol – inverting it to create an encircled trident. We look forward to developing a robust and enduring relationship with the Government on this controversial public spending issue as we head into the next election.’

- ends -

Yes, this is an April Fools' joke. Of course nuclear weapons are monstrous and we'll continue to campaign against them. :)

For further information and interviews please contact Luke Massey, CND's Press & Communications Officer on 020 7700 2350 or 07968 420 859.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Orcas go ballistic over Sochi; vow nonviolent response

In a possible bid to increase the money made during the Winter Olympics, Sochi’s Aquatoria is said to be ready to receive two wild orcas–or killer whales, as they are often called–which were captured specifically for the aquarium., and Puget Sound Orcas are fighting mad!!!

While whaling, which kills some of the largest marine animals in Earth’s big oceans, is illegal in most of the world, capturing these animals in the wild is not something that many countries have addressed. A pair of wild orcas were apparently officially sought by the Aquatoria, and were captured by whalers in ocean waters just a bit north of Japan.

A resident Orca pod in Washington State's Puget Sound received word of the capture via Ocean Telegraph and went ballistic.  Speaking to news media from Friday Harbor, San Juan Island, Washington, "L3", a member of the resident "L" pod said, "This is absolutely wrong, both legally and morally speaking. Orcas have every right to roam freely without risk of capture and incarceration. We are highly evolved, intelligent creatures.  Based on our long-term observations of humans' disastrous impact on our planet, it is highly questionable whether they [humans] exhibit any intelligence at all."

Orcas in their native habitat (where they belong)
L3 also said that although this "orcanapping" was an inherently violent act, Orcas do not condone a violent response.  "We are often given a 'bad rap' for the rare attack on a trainer, although orcas are not violent creatures. Of course we're wild, and it's hard being cooped up in a tiny tank and having humans pretend they are so smart."

Officials at the Aquatoria have officially confirmed that at least one orca is on its way to Sochi in time for the Olympics. The news was posted by the Russian Orca team, whose leaders consist of Erich Hoyt, a top level researcher at the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society, and Alexander Burdin, the leader of the Laboratory of Animal Ecology at the Kamchatka Institute of Ecology and Nature Management.

According to a written statement made by the Aquatoria officials, a single orca was legally captured and taken to a base that is specially equipped to adapt the orca to captivity. The orca will later be brought to Sochi in time for the Winter Games.

Since the statement was released, public outcry has been intense. Advocates of whale protection have created an online petition asking Russia not to show the captured wild orcas during the Sochi Winter Olympics. It currently has nearly 110,000 signatures, and mentions that placing orcas in an aquarium causes suffering.

Paul Spong, the founder of the whale research station OrcaLab near Vancouver Island, agrees, adding that aside from unusual exceptions, the lives of captive orcas are much shorter than those of their ocean-dwelling relatives. He also mentioned how the spirit of the Olympics would be violated by such a display, saying that the Olympics are supposed to be demonstrating the best that humans can be, and that the capture and exhibition of wild orcas is not showing humanity at its finest. Others believe that capturing and holding an orca in a small tank is animal abuse and can put a great strain on the beloved orcas.

There has been no word from the Aquatoria since the public condemnation began, or if the orcas will still be displayed. Because the creatures are not part of any official Olympic event, it is unlikely that Olympic officials will be able to do much to dissuade the aquarium if they do decide to display the orcas.

Meanwhile, the Puget Sound Orcas continue their work to free the Sochi captives. They have called for a total mammalian boycott of the Sochi Olympics until the Orcas are returned to the sea.  While some have called on the captive orcas to attack their captors, the consensus among the resident orca pods has been to practice active nonviolent resistance.  According to the orca representative speaking in Friday Harbor this approach, made famous by notable historical figures such as Martin Luther King Jr, Mahatma Ghandi and Jesus, is seldom employed by governments, particularly Russia and the US.

Captive orcas have caused serious problems even after being stuck in the tanks. The famous and deadly incident at Sea World in 2010 had an orca killing its trainer, with the belief being that the whale in question was bored, isolated, sensory deprived and bred too often. Other orcas have also attacked their trainers, also. The documentary Blackfish asked the question whether dolphins and whales should be kept captive at all. If these wild orcas were captured solely for the purpose of being on display during the Sochi Winter Olympics, it will likely be up to the patrons of the games to support or boycott such an exhibition.


Editor's Note: Thanks to the following source for the real news that was butchered to create this post:  http://guardianlv.com/2014/01/sochi-winter-olympics-captures-wild-orcas/