About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

What's better than a bomb shelter? The Armeggedon 2000!

I know, I know... everyone's in crisis mode now that President-Elect Trump is about to take over The White House, and will have total (and essentially unchallenged) authority to launch nuclear weapons. Egads!!!

So you've been thinking about digging a bomb shelter like people did back in the day. But you live in an apartment, or the soil in your back yard has rocks the size of an elephant. What are you supposed to do (besides "duck and cover")?

Well, dig no further. If you've got a vehicle with a trailer hitch, you are in luck!

Introducing the Armageddon 2000 Nuclear Hardened Travel Trailer. It's the only travel trailer that you can enjoy all year long and, when the mushroom clouds start to appear on the horizon, instantly converts into a bomb shelter.

The Armageddon 2000 is built with special materials to resist incineration from a nuclear blast. It boasts lead shielding and Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) protection for all your sensitive electronics. Coupled with special air filters designed to keep your breathing air radioisotope free, and extra large capacity water tanks, the Armageedon 2000 is just what you need to survive any nuclear war, whether at home or away.

The Armageddon 2000 ready to deploy!
Should you decide to let a lucky few people join you in your new portable digs, they will immediately recognize your rolling bomb shelter thanks to the official civil defense insignia posted prominently by the entrance door.

Designed by legendary shelter designer Dave Patterson, a member of Veterans for Peace, San Diego Chapter, the Armageddon 2000 will let you roll down to the beach at sunset, then watch the sun rise twice, or maybe a hundred times, and finally kick back and wait a few decades once it's finally safe to go outside or all your canned food runs out (whichever comes first) and breathe the air or drink the water or eat anything that might grow after the long nuclear winter.

A host of cool optional accessories are available, including continuous radioisotope monitoring instrumentation and direct communications link to the US Government's Cheyenne Mountain to receive advance warning of pending nuclear attack so you can beat the masses to the best KOA campsites near you.

The Armageddon 2000 is not only stylish and streamlined; it is AFFORDABLE! Why spend all that time and money to build an in-ground bomb shelter, when you can have one right now - you never know when the bombs will start dropping - for far less money, and be able to take to any number of scenic spots AND get a free campsite!

It doesn't get any better than the Armageddon 2000. Call today. Operators are standing by...

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

A Very Expensive Way to Fry Chicken

Here's one from the "What the Hell were these people thinking?!?!?!" files.

Back in the 1950s the nuclear powers didn't have anything better to do than create newer and more absurd nuclear weapons systems. It's almost as if they were in a contest (albeit a deadly one) to see who could build the stupidest contraption; of course, nuclear weapons (and the people who would consider using them) are pretty stupid. This one probably would have garnered the attentions of animal welfare groups had it not been top secret.

In the 1950s, physicists in the United Kingdom designed a nuclear land mine that would be placed along the West German border to stop a hypothetical Soviet ground assault on the rest of Europe, according to a BBC report. The landmine, dubbed Operation Blue Peacock, would be operated remotely (however that was going to work) so that it could be detonated at the moment when it could inflict maximal damage on the invading Soviet army.

But the weapon had a major hitch. Buried underground, it was possible that the mine would become so cold that the detonator would not function. In 1957, British nuclear physicists found a solution: chickens.

Not much room for the poor chickens!
That's right; one of the options (to keep the critical components warm) these geniuses came up with was to remodel the mine's interior to create a lovely chicken coop. The plan was to supply the chickens with enough seed and water to keep them alive (for awhile), and their body heat would be enough to keep everything ready to blow. We understand that the chickens were expected to live only a week, after which time some poor soul would have to open it up, clean out the mess, and pop in a fresh batch of chickens.

I certainly wonder what might have happened had the chickens run out of food and started pecking at the wires and other things that initiate the nuclear detonation???

The landmines designed in Operation Blue Peacock were thought to yield a 10-kiloton explosion, which is roughly half the explosive yield of the bomb that incinerated Nagasaki. Such destructive potential ultimately led to the abandonment of the project as the British realized that there would be an unacceptable amount of nuclear fallout from such a blast. I can't imagine why anyone was worried about that back in those days.

By 1958, after the production of only two prototypes, Operation Blue Peacock was abandoned after it was decided that this was much too expensive a method for cooking chicken. And the chickens rejoiced.

And hopefully, the physicists involved found new and different lines of work.