About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Monday, July 28, 2014

John Oliver Speaks on Weapons of Mass Insanity

HBO's John Oliver summed up nuclear weapons the other night in one sentence:  “nuclear weapons are basically like America’s T-rex arms, they’re essentially useless.” So there you go!!!

He also says that the public "does not give enough of a sh*t" about nuclear weapons. Of course, in the U.S. we spend most of our time arguing about the really important issues... like gay marriage, a woman's right to control her contraceptive destiny, and a host of really important things that could really bring about the end of the world!!! 

You simply must watch this video of Oliver laying bare how bloody lucky we are to have survived the last nearly 70 years, how stupid we must be to continue to rely on nuclear weapons, and why we simply must get rid of every last one of these omnicidal weapons!!! Simply brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 31, 2014

CND in historic U-turn on nuclear weapons

Editor's Note:  This historic news just in from the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament!!!

Press Office: 07968 420 859 - Switchboard: 020 7700 2393 - E-mail: pressoffice@cnduk.org
Monday, 31 March 2014 - Attn: News desks / Defence / Political correspondents
Embargoed: 00.01 Tuesday 1 April

CND in historic U-turn on nuclear weapons

56 years after the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament was launched by luminaries including JB Priestly and Bertrand Russell, the organisation has finally given its backing to nuclear weapons.

‘We backed the wrong horse,’ said CND’s General Secretary Kate Hudson, in a dramatic U-turn from the organisation’s founding objectives.

‘We should have known that humanity’s penchant for self-destruction would lead inexorably to global nuclear proliferation. And from now on, that’s where our money is going to be put.’
New CNA logo

‘We now wholeheartedly endorse the Government’s assessment that £100bn is better spent on a new generation of weapons of mass destruction than on healthcare, education or green energy.’

‘We also vehemently reject the strategic objections to Trident replacement: we’ve had it up to here with ex-Generals and defence analysts who say nuclear weapons are an obsolete Cold War relic, and that Trident spending is hollowing out the UK’s military.’

‘That’s why from today we’re rebranding as the Campaign for Nuclear Armament. We’ll be ditching the iconic CND symbol – inverting it to create an encircled trident. We look forward to developing a robust and enduring relationship with the Government on this controversial public spending issue as we head into the next election.’

- ends -

Yes, this is an April Fools' joke. Of course nuclear weapons are monstrous and we'll continue to campaign against them. :)

For further information and interviews please contact Luke Massey, CND's Press & Communications Officer on 020 7700 2350 or 07968 420 859.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Orcas go ballistic over Sochi; vow nonviolent response

In a possible bid to increase the money made during the Winter Olympics, Sochi’s Aquatoria is said to be ready to receive two wild orcas–or killer whales, as they are often called–which were captured specifically for the aquarium., and Puget Sound Orcas are fighting mad!!!

While whaling, which kills some of the largest marine animals in Earth’s big oceans, is illegal in most of the world, capturing these animals in the wild is not something that many countries have addressed. A pair of wild orcas were apparently officially sought by the Aquatoria, and were captured by whalers in ocean waters just a bit north of Japan.

A resident Orca pod in Washington State's Puget Sound received word of the capture via Ocean Telegraph and went ballistic.  Speaking to news media from Friday Harbor, San Juan Island, Washington, "L3", a member of the resident "L" pod said, "This is absolutely wrong, both legally and morally speaking. Orcas have every right to roam freely without risk of capture and incarceration. We are highly evolved, intelligent creatures.  Based on our long-term observations of humans' disastrous impact on our planet, it is highly questionable whether they [humans] exhibit any intelligence at all."

Orcas in their native habitat (where they belong)
L3 also said that although this "orcanapping" was an inherently violent act, Orcas do not condone a violent response.  "We are often given a 'bad rap' for the rare attack on a trainer, although orcas are not violent creatures. Of course we're wild, and it's hard being cooped up in a tiny tank and having humans pretend they are so smart."

Officials at the Aquatoria have officially confirmed that at least one orca is on its way to Sochi in time for the Olympics. The news was posted by the Russian Orca team, whose leaders consist of Erich Hoyt, a top level researcher at the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society, and Alexander Burdin, the leader of the Laboratory of Animal Ecology at the Kamchatka Institute of Ecology and Nature Management.

According to a written statement made by the Aquatoria officials, a single orca was legally captured and taken to a base that is specially equipped to adapt the orca to captivity. The orca will later be brought to Sochi in time for the Winter Games.

Since the statement was released, public outcry has been intense. Advocates of whale protection have created an online petition asking Russia not to show the captured wild orcas during the Sochi Winter Olympics. It currently has nearly 110,000 signatures, and mentions that placing orcas in an aquarium causes suffering.

Paul Spong, the founder of the whale research station OrcaLab near Vancouver Island, agrees, adding that aside from unusual exceptions, the lives of captive orcas are much shorter than those of their ocean-dwelling relatives. He also mentioned how the spirit of the Olympics would be violated by such a display, saying that the Olympics are supposed to be demonstrating the best that humans can be, and that the capture and exhibition of wild orcas is not showing humanity at its finest. Others believe that capturing and holding an orca in a small tank is animal abuse and can put a great strain on the beloved orcas.

There has been no word from the Aquatoria since the public condemnation began, or if the orcas will still be displayed. Because the creatures are not part of any official Olympic event, it is unlikely that Olympic officials will be able to do much to dissuade the aquarium if they do decide to display the orcas.

Meanwhile, the Puget Sound Orcas continue their work to free the Sochi captives. They have called for a total mammalian boycott of the Sochi Olympics until the Orcas are returned to the sea.  While some have called on the captive orcas to attack their captors, the consensus among the resident orca pods has been to practice active nonviolent resistance.  According to the orca representative speaking in Friday Harbor this approach, made famous by notable historical figures such as Martin Luther King Jr, Mahatma Ghandi and Jesus, is seldom employed by governments, particularly Russia and the US.

Captive orcas have caused serious problems even after being stuck in the tanks. The famous and deadly incident at Sea World in 2010 had an orca killing its trainer, with the belief being that the whale in question was bored, isolated, sensory deprived and bred too often. Other orcas have also attacked their trainers, also. The documentary Blackfish asked the question whether dolphins and whales should be kept captive at all. If these wild orcas were captured solely for the purpose of being on display during the Sochi Winter Olympics, it will likely be up to the patrons of the games to support or boycott such an exhibition.


Editor's Note: Thanks to the following source for the real news that was butchered to create this post:  http://guardianlv.com/2014/01/sochi-winter-olympics-captures-wild-orcas/

Friday, January 17, 2014

NSA Fall Festival: Mark your calendars!

Hey Everyone!  Mark your calendars (see the poster below) well in advance to join us at the National Security Agency (NSA) headquarters for the annual NSA Fall Festival.  It's a great opportunity for everyday people just like you and me to get up close and (not quite too) personal with the NSA.

Of course, you won't learn anything about how the NSA really works; heck, that's an extremely closely guarded secret... well, sort of (no thanks to that Ed Snowden guy).  But hey; it's a time to have fun, and all at great taxpayer expense.  After all; you the taxpayers are paying through the nose so that we can continue our unabated, endless spying on just about everyone on the planet. So what's a little more $$$ on some good, old-fashioned fun.

This is one for the entire family, even the family dog.  In fact, there will be a special booth where NSA employees will embed your family pooch with a free teeny weeny microchip that will allow the NSA to listen in on your family's activities with even greater ease than we do now. The chip also helps you keep track of your pet's wanderings.

There will be plenty of parking, so there is no need for carpooling.  In fact, we advise against it. NSA employees, or more likely private contractors, will be placing secret monitoring/tracking devices on every automobile at the Fall Festival.

An additional free bonus for everyone who attends will be an automatic retinal scan as you enter the Festival area.  It's just one more reason we're building a brand new huge data storage facility in Utah that can actually store yottabytes of data.  Geez!!! Even most folks at the NSA have a hard time fathoming such large numbers.

And kids; you will have the opportunity to learn more about an exciting and profitable (if you choose to work for one of the scores of private contractors doing security work for our nation) career in mass surveillance the protection of our global interests nation.

Tell your family, friends and co-workers. Everyone's welcome to this event.  Check the NSA Website for more details. See you in September!

NSA - Defending Our Nation: Securing The Future