About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Santa Claus: "Peace on Earth -- Or Else."

It's never too early to think about the Holiday Season (especially the Holiday Protest Season); just ask every retailer bombarding people's televisions with commercial messages bleeding red and green, and just teeming with tinsel.

Well, Santa Claus has finally gotten into the act.  Mr. Claus recently took time off from the last minute toy production madness up at the North Pole to speak out for nuclear disarmament.

Claus travelled, accompanied by a gaggle of his merry elves AND an eight foot-long replica of a thermonuclear armed missile (looking strikingly similar to the Minuteman III - just don't look too closely - recently test launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base), to New York.  Claus's sleigh broke down at Poughkeepsie, NY, and in the spirit of the season, someone loaned Claus a three wheeled bicycle.

Santa and his elves on the way to the United Nations
Claus had a specific destination in mind - the United Nations.  Claus brought a definitive seasonal message to the world's leaders - "Peace on Earth -- Or Else." 

Santa was not allowed inside the UN headquarters, so he shouted his message to all who would listen on the streets of New York.  He and his elves kicked off the Holiday Season with a new rendition of Jingle Bells:
Jingle bells, we're going to Hell
Burning all the way
Oh what fun,
it is to die,
In a fiery nuclear way
Bystanders were simultaneously thrilled and terrified by the quirky holiday jingle, and were amazed when Claus told them how much of their tax dollars their own government is wasting on nuclear weapons at the expense of human needs.  "That [spending on weapons of mass annihilation] is so scrooge-like," said Santa.
"It is so easy to get distracted by the materialism of the season, while nuclear annihilation is just a press of a button away.  It's important to put nuclear disarmament on the front burner and turn the heat up.  I feel like the original message of Christmas has been lost thanks to the geniuses on Madison Avenue (right here in New York).  It's time to reclaim that original message of peace, and I'm the jolly old fellow who can do it."
Santa and his elves continued on from the UN building through the city before returning to the North Pole.  They handed out little green toy soldiers to passersby as a reminder of the tragic human consequences of war.
When asked by a reporter if he wasn't just upsetting people's holidays before they've even begun, Santa replied, "Is there ever a convenient time???  Each of us has a responsibility to stand up for what is right and speak out.  Sometimes that goes against the societal norm.  But that should not stop us.  It's a moral responsibility.  I know it's hard for most people to see Santa calling for peace and nuclear disarmament.  But hey, I care deeply about humanity, and especially all those children to whom I'm responsible.  If I don't say something, one day there may be no children for me to deliver presents to.  Now that would be a real tragedy."

Following on those comments Santa said that thanks to his new high speed internet connection at the Pole he can now sign petitions and send emails to decision makers around the world with a click of his "mouse."  "I just signed one [petition] from the folks at Nuclear Age Peace Foundation calling on the United States to take all its land-based thermonuclear armed missiles off high alert status (Is that crazy of what???) and start dismantling them.  I mean... just what good is something that is only designed to incinerate millions of innocent people???"  One of the elves chimed in, "That's just plain crazy!!!" 
A reporter then asked if President Obama was on Santa's famous "naughty or nice" list.  The jolly old guy laughed and said he could neither confirm nor deny the existence of such a list.  He then grimaced and said, "Well, it's safe to say that if such a list existed, the CEO's of all those weapons manufacturers would definitely be on the 'NAUGHTY' list.  It's kind of a no-brainer.  I have a new office staffed by elves who do nothing but track and list all the profiteers around the world who are benefiting from warmaking.  Tragically, that list has been growing by leaps and bounds."

"As for Obama..." and Santa paused for a moment, "redemption is always on the table."
And then Santa was off and pedalling.  As he wheeled across the Brooklyn Bridge with his elves running behind him, one could hear the distant (yet strong) call for

"Peace on Earth.  Good Will to All People."


Editor's Notes: 

Thanks to the Huffington Post for the story that got the creative juices flowing on this one. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/santa-claus-united-nations-joey-skaggs-nuclear-protest_n_2124695.html#slide=1754034

In the true spirit of the season, let us all work (on every level) for PEACE.  Sign petitions; send emails, letters and/or faxes to decision makers; engage others - family, friends, co-workers, people you meet on the street - in the struggle for a peaceful world for all.  What better gift can we give???

Thursday, November 8, 2012

US Backs Treaty to Arm the World

Hours after U.S. President Barack Obama was re-elected, the United States backed a U.N. committee's call on Wednesday to renew debate over a draft international treaty to regulate the $85.3 billion global conventional arms trade.

U.N. delegates and gun control activists have complained that talks collapsed in July largely because Obama feared attacks from Republican rival Mitt Romney if his administration was seen as supporting the pact, a charge Washington denies.

An unnamed adminstration spokesperson was quick to point out that "Romney stands to gain [financially] from any treaty that we sign on global arms sales.  Before signing such a treaty, we will ensure that our nation's defense industry is protected from financial harm.  After all, we gobble up a healthy 78% of that global arms pie.  We're talking $66.3 billion in 2011.  That's huge!  And, we're not giving up any of it."

"Does the price include flight training?"
The month-long talks at U.N. headquarters broke off after the United States - along with Russia and other major arms producers - said it had problems with the draft treaty and asked for more time.  In the U.S. a steady stream of Lobbyists for major arms producers have been seen pouring into the Pentagon for secret meetings on the issue.An official at the U.S. mission said Washington's objectives have not changed.

"We seek a treaty that contributes to international security by fighting illicit arms trafficking and proliferation, protects the sovereign right of states like our own to conduct legitimate arms trade, and meets the concerns that we have been articulating throughout," the official said.

"We will  accept neither any treaty that infringes on the constitutional rights of our citizens to bear arms, nor one that infringes on the rights of corporations to sell arms," he said. 

U.S. officials have acknowledged privately that the treaty under discussion would have no effect on domestic gun sales and ownership because it would apply only to exports. 

U.S. weapons producers are watching Treaty negotiations closely.   

A weapons industry insider, who asked not to be named, said that no treaty would ever by signed by the U.S. that would limit the ability of major U.S. arms producers to sell whatever they want, whenever they want, and to whomever they want.  "They [arms producers] have a sweet deal with the Pentagon.  The U.S. provides foreign aid to any number of countries, and they turn around and sink that money into U.S.-made arms.  Is this economic stimulus or what?"

The main reason the arms trade talks are taking place at all is that the United States - the world's biggest arms trader accounting for more than 40 percent of global conventional arms transfers - reversed U.S. policy on the issue after Obama was first elected and decided in 2009 to support a treaty.

In related news, the election seems to have created a run on gun stocks.  A number of stocks, including firearms manufacturers Smith & Wesson and Sturm, Ruger popped Wednesday. Shares of hunting goods retailers Cabela's and Big 5 Sporting Goods were also higher. Nothing like a little right-wing paranoia to help (isolated sectors of) the stock market.


Thanks to Reuters for the original article that gave the impetus for this "doctored" news article.  http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/11/07/us-arms-treaty-un-idUSBRE8A627J20121107 

The idea of U.S. weapons systems manufacturers and arms dealers giving up one cent of their hard earned money would make their lobbyists all collapse in shock.  We arm the world (to the tune of $66.3 billion in 2011) and that is music to companies like Lockheed Martin, Boeing, Northrup Grumman, General Dynamics and Raytheon.  Ka-Ching!!!

"Arms deliveries to developing countries last year were the highest since 2004, totalling $28 billion, or around 60% of global sales. America and Russia, the world’s leading arms suppliers, accounted for around two-thirds of deliveries to the developing world. America’s exports in particular are helped by a long-standing client base, which orders upgrades, spare parts and support services every year. Arms deals were buoyed last year by unusually high demand from Saudi Arabia." (Source: The Economist)