About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Rogue Seals takes over Trident sub

Silverdale, Washington  A rogue Seal team breached security at a Trident nuclear submarine base in Washington State.

In an unannounced exercise rogue Seals took over the USS Nevada SSBN 733, a Trident ballistic missile submarine, while tied up to the pier at the Bangor Trident submarine base at Silverdale, Washington in the early morning hours on January 22nd.

According to Navy officials the takeover was short lived. The Seals were quickly driven topside and off the ship by quick acting members of the ship's security detail.

Photo: Courtesy of U.S. Navy
In preparation for the exercise the Seals studied the 2009 incursion by the Disarm Now Plowshares, a group of elderly peace activists who breached multiple levels of security at the sub base and nuclear weapons storage depot before being captured by base security personnel.  The five members of the Plowshares action made it through the final security fence into the nuclear weapons storage bunker area of the Strategic Weapons Facility, Pacific (SWFPAC) before being detected.

The seals went undetected by the Marine Mammal Base Protection Detail that was patrolling Hood Canal at the time of the incursion.  Members of the detail were questioned about their whereabouts during the incursion, and all denied having been drinking on the job.  They were, however, observed feasting on shrimp earlier in the morning by fishermen working nearby.  They also denied any prior contact with the rogue seal team.  
Rogue Seal in custody (Navy file photo)
A Navy spokesperson said that although this was a serious breech of security, at no time were the nuclear weapons on board the submarine in any danger.  He also stated that they would undertake a full investigation to determine where security can be improved.  

The spokesperson denied that the Navy was considering consulting with any of the members of the Disarm Now Plowshares regarding security improvements on the base.


Editor's Note:  Thanks to comic co-conspirator Shelley Douglass for giving me this idea AND for much of the content!  The Navy actually has a Swimmer Interdiction System staffed by ever capable marine mammals (dolphins and sea lions) to apprehend any pesky terrorists who might try to swim undetected to do some sort of mischief to our nation's Strategic Nuclear Deterrent. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

No room for Drones in this Dream

Dear Friends, 

I spent my day with approximately 7000 fellow resident's of the World House (in Seattle, Washington) celebrating the birth (and incredibly full life) of a great peacemaker and possibly the greatest prophetic voice of modern times.  I have hesitated to share this visual as I do not want to be disrespectful in any way.  That being said, the contrasts between these two people are staggering.  For President Obama to invoke Martin Luther King Jr. in any way after the past four years is unconscionable.  To earn that Nobel Peace Prize President Obama needs to start living out the words he speaks; otherwise it is merely empty rhetoric.

Happy Birthday Dr. King.  We will hold Obama's feet to the proverbial fire.  He will either live up to his promises (such as those in his famous Prague speech on nuclear weapons) or get burned.  We will uphold the rich legacy you left for us.  We are in it for the long haul.

There is certainly no room for drones in Dr. King's dream!

In Peace and Toward a Just and Peaceful (Nuclear Free) World,


Monday, January 7, 2013

Organic Plutonium: Get it while it's HOT!

If you've had problems sourcing organic Plutonium lately, have no fear.  There might still be some cans left on the shelves at The Black Hole, Los Alamos, New Mexico.  Granted, now that The Black Hole's proprietor, Ed Grothus, is no longer with us - rest in peace Ed - many of Ed's signature items are hard to come by.

The 8 ounce size Organic Plutonium was always a HOT item.  People from many countries, including Iran, North Korea, Myanmar, Israel and Brazil used to come asking for Ed's signature Organic Plutonium.

Organic Plutonium is fat free, wheat free, dairy free, GMO free, zero calories, vegan, no artificial colors or flavors, AND no sugar added.  Hmmmm Good!!!  And HOT!!!  What's more, it contains 14.0726918 nutritious Curies of radiation.  Yum!

Don't see a "use by" date on the can?  No worries!  The Plutonium 239, just like the stuff used in those thermonuclear warheads, has a half life of 24,000 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It will keep forever.  Now that's shelf life! 

Note to people with nut allergies: This product is made in facilities run by a bunch of nuts.

For Christmas, 1996, Ed sent a can marked ORGANIC PLUTONIUM to then-President Clinton. “In his letter to the President, Ed said ‘If you eat this, you’ll walk with a halo’,” says Ed. “‘If you feed some to Socks [Clinton's cat], the cat’ll walk with a halo.’” The Secret Service was not amused, and — as Ed commemorates in a newspaper clipping he proudly displayed near his front desk — they showed up to “see if there was any insanity in my family.”

Those of us who work in the nuclear weapons abolition business know where the real nuts are!!!

Wondering whether Organic Plutonium is safe for human consumption???  Don't worry!  The U.S. government began testing Plutonium on human subjects in 1945, and continued its testing into the 1970s.  From pregnant women to developmentally disabled children, the government tested Plutonium on a wide range of subjects.  That's our tax dollars hard at work!?!?!?

So stock up on some Organic Plutonium today.  There just might be a few cans left if the folks from the Nunn-Lugar Cooperative Threat Reduction (CTR) Program didn't get there first.

Be sure to check Groupon.com for a coupon good for 20 percent off your first can.