Uncle Sam says "So long suckers; I Quit!"

WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – In the greatest White House personnel shakeup in history, Uncle Sam gave notice that he is retiring. 

Sam, who has been on the job since 1813, said he has finally had enough: “I'm tired of being the spokesperson for a warmongering, racist, oil-hungry empire over far too many administrations, both Democrat and Republican. And worse yet, this new guy moving into The White House is the worse kind of racist, misogynistic grifter who is bringing a whole cadre of jackboot-licking cronies along with him. This level of Fascism makes Adolph Hitler and Benito Mussolini look like amateurs. I'm so done with this!”

In an unprecedented and surprise appearance before a shocked White House Press Corps this morning, Sam appeared visibly shaken by recent events. He ranted for ten minutes about what has happened to our country and “what a damn mess politicians have made of it.”  

He also referred to the election of Trump as "the last straw." He was already considering retiring after the Biden administration's unending “immoral aiding and abetting of the Israeli government's genocide on the Palestinian people.” For Sam, the “Congress has become a complete [bad] joke; both Democrats and Republicans... they've given recent presidents a blank check for endless wars.” 

“I really thought I was doing right by the American people over the past 200-plus years, but I can see clearly now that I have been used time and time again as a pawn for these low-lifes who have insidiously taken over our nation on behalf of the greedy Wall Street elites, and now the Silicon Valley tech billionaires. While We The People have been sold a bill of goods about outside threats like communism and terrorists, our country has been taken over by a bunch of greedy racist warmongers who are getting rich off the sweat of hardworking American taxpayers who keep the war machine running full speed ahead. And that's just so wrong.”

Sam began to cry when asked about his iconic “I WANT YOU” posters that have been responsible for countless young Americans joining the military and, “after being sent to fight the rich man's wars, return home damaged both physically and mentally, if not killed in the name of freedom. It's really all about the freedom of rich, greedy corporate profiteers to make a killing, both literally and figuratively.” After regaining his composure he said, “I sincerely regret luring so many of our young people to fight in U.S. wars of aggression.”

“Retired Marine Corps General Smedley Butler got it right when he said that 'War Is A Racket.' And it certainly is a profitable one for the Military-Industrial Complex. Damn, I wish I had listened to Eisenhower back in the day. We could have saved so many young people from needless death and suffering, not to mention the carnage, unstable and fascist governments, and ill-will we've helped create in other countries.”

Sam reflected on all the wasted money that should be spent on education, health care, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, sustainable energy, and so much more. “Let's face it; this is what a failing empire does... squanders its treasure, both human and financial, on senseless foreign adventures and the greedy desires of Wall Street, while neglecting the needs of the working people.” 

When asked where he is going upon his retirement, sam replied, “Where the hell can you go. No place is out of reach of U.S. military power or its nuclear weapons, with roughly 750 US foreign military bases spread across 80 nations! I'm thinking of cashing out my savings bonds and buying a time-share in an RV park doomsday shelter. That seems like the best investment these days."

Sam spoke of how he was recently diagnosed with PTSD:  I'm going to get some well-deserved psychotherapy to work through all this. We're talking over 200 years of cumulative trauma; where do I even begin? I figure I had better do it now while I still have Medicare coverage. Who knows if it, or any other government program serving the people, will survive four years of Trump.”

Reflecting on the work ahead, Uncle Sam said, "Once I'm feeling more myself I plan to head out on the open road, joining in with every demonstration for peace and justice. After all, I've created quite a brand, and it's high time I use it to do some real good for the people of the United States, especially the young people whose future we are currently selling down the river in the greatest betrayal of all time. I'm certainly not just going to go play golf with whatever time I have left!"

Before leaving the podium, Sam said he would not be taking any further questions, but admonished the members of the press for "pandering to those in power" saying, "The late broadcast journalist Walter Cronkite once said, 'We are not educated well enough to perform the necessary act of intelligently selecting our leaders.' You members of the press have a solemn duty to tell the people what they need to know rather than what they want to know in a so-called free society. It's time that each of you earn the title of journalist! That's all folks."

Vanguard class submarine transforms into giant Chia pet after recordbreaking six-month patrol

A Royal Navy ballistic missile submarine has just completed a record-breaking tour of over half a year at sea. The primary purpose of the extended patrol, in addition to better understanding how the crew could get along for so long without a decent shower, was to determine whether ballistic missile submarines could grow a coating of plant-based material on their hulls in order to lower their acoustic signature while at sea, thereby reducing the probability of detection by an unfriendly nation.

The Times reported that an unidentified submarine was spotted “encrusted with barnacles and covered in slime and a very high density of Chia sprouts” upon its recent return to the Faslane naval base in Scotland. The paper said the vessel was at sea for a patrol in excess of six months.

A statement made by the Royal Navy added that Deputy Prime Minister Oliver Dowden was in Scotland to welcome the submariners home. Dowden brought along his Chia Pet, fondly named “Holbrook,” after the British thermonuclear warhead fitted on the Trident II missiles deployed on Vanguard submarines.

Only two of Britain’s four Vanguard-class submarines – HMS Vigilant and HMS Vengeance – are currently deemed sea-worthy. The fleet’s first-in-class, HMS Vanguard, returned to Faslane this year after more than seven years undergoing maintenance, but will not be mission-ready until 2024. The fourth vessel, HMS Victorious, has been waiting to undergo its own maintenance following an onboard fire last year and has only just arrived at the Devonport dockyard in Plymouth.

Last year, it was reported that the lack of available Vanguard-class submarines meant crews were increasingly serving tours in excess of 150 days and being ordered to apply deodorant far more than should be required. By comparison, the average patrol on the previous generation of nuclear vessels rarely exceeded 60-70 days.

An unidentified source inside the Ministry of Defence (MOD) told The Times that researchers stumbled upon Chia sprouts as a new method of lowering submarine's noise profile when a researcher started sprouting seeds in the laboratory to use in their sandwiches. Subsequent laboratory experiments demonstrated that a high-density coating of Chia sprouts effectively breaks up sound waves that bounce against the hull more effectively than the rubber tiles currently in use. 

In addition to concerns about the state of the vessels, there have also been concerns about the impact these extended tours have on crew discipline, morale, and psychological wellbeing. The Royal Navy has already opened an investigation into claims by female submariners working on Vanguard-class subs of sexual abuse and bullying by male colleagues and senior officers, and a former UK submarine commander has warned of risks to sailors.

CND General Secretary Kate Hudson passed off the Chia seed experiment as a cheap publicity stunt intended to divert attention from the serious problems faced by the Trident nuclear weapon system. “It’s extremely irresponsible of the British government and Royal Navy to expose crews to these conditions [essentially trapped in slimy, Chia-infested deathtraps]: not only to such lengths of time away from friends and family, but in vessels that are becoming increasingly unseaworthy and smelly. Clearly Britain is struggling to maintain its nuclear weapons safely. That is already potentially catastrophically dangerous without the added risks of malfunctioning equipment or personal error as a result of overtired and stressed staff. This whole [Chia] project is just a colossal waste of time and resources. The government must come to its senses and call time on its nuclear weapons programme, scrap its replacement, and instead invest in rebuilding our public services.” 

Chia Pets are American styled terracotta figurines used to sprout chia, where the chia sprouts grow within a couple of weeks to resemble the animal's fur or hair. Moistened chia seeds (Salvia hispanica) are applied to a grooved terracotta figurine. A range of generic animals has been produced, including a turtle, pig, puppy, kitten, frog, and hippopotamus. Cartoon characters have also been licensed, including Garfield, Scooby-Doo, Looney Tunes, Shrek, The Simpsons, and SpongeBob. Additionally, there are Chia Pets depicting real people, including Barack Obama and Donald Trump. 

Author's Note: Thanks to Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament (CND) for inspiring this satirical piece of pseudo-journalism, and for much of the information plagiarized herein.

Ron DeSantis Comes Unhinged Over Revisionist Accusations: or, There Is an Upside to Slavery

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, a Republican presidential candidate, has been accused of suppressing U.S. history and whitewashing the systemic racism so central to our nation's historical legacy. 

DeSantis began by forcing the revision of the state’s Advanced Placement (AP) African American Studies curriculum, purging key Black writers, feminists, and any references to Black Lives Matter.

Then, last week,, the Florida Department of Education released its social studies standards for the upcoming school year. The massive 216-page document states, “Instruction includes how slaves developed skills which, in some instances, could be applied for their personal benefit.” Wow, who could have known!

Gov. DeSantis was asked to explain this shocking rewrite of the brutal and bloody history of slavery in the United States, while at a campaign stop in Utah: “They’re probably going to show some of the folks that eventually parlayed, you know, being a blacksmith into doing things later in life.”

In a subsequent interview with Fox News host Sean Hannity, DeSantis clarified his earlier comments.

The governor went on in great detail recounting the countless examples throughout history of peoples who “parlayed” difficult experiences into benefits, assuming they survived those early experiences.

“Look at Native Americans,” he said. “So many of their children benefited from a good education in the schools our government provided for them. After all, they had no school system of their own, and they got cool uniforms too. The allegations of physical and sexual abuse committed in those schools is patently false. The kids were just sexually precocious.”

DeSantis went on to say that, “All those stories about the white man's treatment of Native Americans are just false. We would never give them blankets infected with Smallpox, and of course everyone knows that Smallpox was invented in some Chinese laboratory... probably Wuhan.”

DeSantis went on to explain that the Jews have benefited going all the way back to Biblical times. “Just look at their escape from slavery in Egypt. They would not have learned to make that flatbread that they use for their holiday celebrations. I've tried it, and it's pretty good, although it's a little dry and crumbly.” And don't forget their time in the camps during World War II. I'm sure those who survived learned skills from which they benefited. After all, look how well the Jews have done in our nation... all those doctors, and lawyers, and... violinists.”

Without skipping a beat, DeSantis ranted about about how women in the U.S. complain about their treatment by the supposed entrenched patriarchy that has been in place since the founding of our nation (and long before that) saying, “I really don't understand the womens lib thing. Women have had a darn good ride from the time our great nation was founded, and the men who have defended our freedom relied upon the women tending the home fires and did the laundry... oh yeah, and having babies. Heck, Betsy Ross probably wouldn't have known how to sew a flag if she had gone off to fight in the Revolutionary War. As for the right to vote, women should be grateful to have that. And, you know, all they really had to do was ask... nicely... and we would have given it to them, so long as they promised to vote Republican.”

Hannity's interview with DeSantis has not yet aired due to as yet unconfirmed rumors that the Fox Executive Board is concerned about possible fallout from the interview being made public.

END

The Fine Print: The author of this article makes no claims as to the accuracy of the information conveyed herein, except to say that aside from one quote cited (you guess which one), the rest were totally made up (although they might as well have been real). That being said, the author did his best to convey the absurdity of DeSantis' claims by using a bit of hyperbole.

South Korea Could Have It's Own Boomer

Republic of Korea (ROK) President Yoon Suk Yeol and First Lady of the Republic of Korea Kim Keon Hee recently kicked the tires on one of the US Navy's aging OHIO Class “Trident” submarines in anticipation of possibly purchasing one of the soon to be retired ballistic missile submarines for their own nation.

The Ohio-class ballistic-missile submarine USS Kentucky (SSBN 737) was on a port visit in Busan, South Korea on July 19, 2023 to not only demonstrate the United States’ ironclad commitment to the (ROK) for its extended deterrence guarantee, but to also give the President and First Lady a chance to tour and test drive a fully functioning ballistic missile submarine. A secondary purpose was to scare the pants off of President of the State Affairs Commission of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea Kim Jong Un.

ROK First Lady Kim Keon Hee checking out North Korea.

The 14 OHIO Class submarines currently in service, which represent the US Navy's kick-ass nuclear deterrent force, are scheduled to be replaced by the new and improved Columbia Class, which is slated to begin entering service in 2031. As the aging OHIO Class boats are taken out of service there will be a tremendous opportunity for countries like South Korea to have their very own nuclear deterrent and no longer need to rely on the US nuclear umbrella. It will also provide an opportunity for the US Navy to make some extra cash to keep building all the ships on its wish list.

Besides the deterrence aspect of owning your own ballistic missile submarine, there is also the major prestige factor of owning a vessel capable of incinerating an entire continent with the full complement Trident II D5 missiles loaded with a the maximum number of thermonuclear warheads.

"Ballistic missile submarines (SSBNs) are the most powerful nuclear assets in the world," said Park Won Gon, professor at Ewha Womans University in Seoul. "North Korea's solid-fuel Hwasong-18 ICBM is no match to the SSBN. … North Korea is going to realize the imbalance between its nuclear capabilities and the U.S.'" After those comments, Park was overheard saying, “If Kim messes with us he will be toast.”

During the guided tour of the Kentucky the first couple viewed the missile compartment and they were blown away by the explanation of the Trident missile's capabilities, and nearly choked on their lunch with the realization that even after incinerating all of North Korea in a first strike (which is what Trident is designed for), they would still have plenty of missiles left to deal with China should the need arise.

The couple was assured by U.S. National Security Council Coordinator for Indo-Pacific Affairs Kurt Campbell that the United States is committed to strengthening the ROK to meet its sovereign self-defense needs and to improve its capabilities to operate with U.S. forces to address shared security challenges. At the inaugural meeting of the long-lauded US-ROK Nuclear Consultative Group (NCG), coinciding with the Kentucky's port call, Campbell stated that the US is committed to ensure that the ROK is prepared to show Kim Jong Un who's boss on the Korean peninsula.

When President Yoon asked about the potential price tag, a representative of the U.S. Department of State’s Bureau of Political-Military Affairs assured him that he would be getting a huge price break, and that the Arms Export Control Act (AECA), as amended [22 U.S.C. 2751, et. seq.], authorizes the President to finance procurement of defense articles and services for foreign countries and international organizations. Foreign Military Financing (FMF) may be provided to a partner nation on either a grant (non-repayable) or direct loan basis.

The commanding officer of the Kentucky, Lee Fake (Gold crew), assured President Yoon that prior to purchase, their submarine would receive a thorough overhaul, including reactor refueling.

When asked how he felt about the prospect of owning his very own ballistic missile submarine bristling withorth enough thermonuclear firepower to start World War III, President Yoon retorted, “How can one put a vualue on such a treasure as ultimate nuclear deterrence? I am humbled, and at the same time somewhat agiddy, at the thought of such power.”

Disclaimer/Fine Print/etc: Although most of what is written in this post is true, the ROK first couple did not test drive an OHIO Class submarine, nor do they intend to purchase one for their country (as far as this journalist is aware).

New revelations question previous narratives explaining responsibility for Nord Stream bombing

The New York Times has reported that new intelligence reviewed by U.S. officials suggests that a pro-Ukrainian group may have carried out the attack on the Nord Stream pipelines last year.

More recently, intelligence disclosed to The Loose Nukes by unnamed sources reveal that the Nord Stream sabotage may have been conducted by an elite team of canine mercenaries comprised of specially trained Golden Retrievers. It's still unclear whether the team was made up of mercenaries or whether they were working directly for a particular government.

A spokesperson for the Humane Society International, who wished to remain anonymous, said that this disclosure is of great concern to animal rights advocates, and that it is unconscionable that anyone would put animals who don't even have opposable thumbs into such a dangerous situation as one involving high explosives.

It is suspected that the canine underwater demolition team was trained at a secret facility disguised as an animal rescue facility, possibly in a Scandinavian country.

A laboratory is currently analyzing residue from rawhide dog treats found on a beach at a Swedish nudist colony to determine their country of origin. Investigators hope to find other evidence as they comb that site.

The disclosure of the seagoing canines might constitute the first significant lead to emerge from several closely guarded investigations by numerous governments, the conclusions of which could have profound implications for the coalition supporting Ukraine.

Although some have pointed to the United States as being responsible for the bombing, this new finding, if confirmed, would refute that theory since it appears that the Canine divers are far more advanced than any US military specialist teams that would be capable of this kind of operation.

The U.S. Navy has employed marine mammals for decades in any number of roles.

In 1990, the New York Times reported that former Navy trainers had told them dolphins were being taught "to kill enemy divers with nose-mounted guns and explosives," a charge denied by a Navy spokesman.

And in 2000, the BBC reported that Soviet-trained dolphins and other marine mammals were being trained by Russian experts to attack enemy warships and divers. "They could also undertake kamikaze strikes against enemy shipping carrying mines that would explode a ship on contact with its hull."

When asked about the use of dogs for such sophisticated activities as those involving planting explosives, an applied animal behaviorist, who wished to remain anonymous, said that dogs such as retrievers are capable of learning a vast array of skills and are excellent swimmers. 

The expert also theorized that dolphins, because of their large and complex brains, may have decided to resist taking part in any activity involving harming other beings or infrastructure. In that case, she said, the Navy might find another animal that would be less likely to question orders, and retrievers would fit this category.

For now, the quest to find the culprits of the Nord Stream attack continues. Mats Ljungqvist, a senior prosecutor leading Sweden’s investigation and member of the Kariskrona Nudist Colony, told The New York Times late last month that his country’s hunt for the perpetrators was continuing.

“It’s my job to find those who blew up Nord Stream. To help me, I have our country’s Security Service,” Mr. Ljungqvist said. “Do I think it was dogs that blew up Nord Stream? I never thought so. It’s not logical. But... you have to be open to all possibilities.”

Announcing the Nuclear Age Depression Foundation

On Friday, August 26th, after four weeks of deliberations, the 10th Review Conference of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) concluded with no final agreement. This should come as no surprise as the nuclear-armed nations, led by the United States and Russia (the two largest nuclear-armed nations), have paid lip service to the NPT since its inception. 
  
Humanity has, for the past 77 years, lived under the nuclear Sword of Damocles, and no one can live under the constant threat of nuclear annihilation without suffering some mental anguish. It is quite likely that much of the mental illness suffered by people throughout the nuclear age has been caused by the knowledge of the threat of use of nuclear weapons, which would result in unimaginable horrors.

The nuclear-armed nations that are signatories to the NPT have all but ignored the intentions of the treaty by not only NOT pursuing "negotiations in good faith on effective measures relating to cessation of the nuclear arms race at an early date and to nuclear disarmament, and on a treaty on general and complete disarmament under strict and effective international control," but also by increasing and modernizing their arsenals and delivery systems over many decades.

In the case of the United States, we hear a never-ending droning-on about the proliferation of nuclear weapons by other states (eg, North Korea) while the US stonewalls when it comes to meeting its obligations under the NPT.    

Once, when asked what he thought of the NPT and the prospects for global disarmament, Edward Teller, known as the father of the hydrogen bomb, criptically remarked, "If anyone wants a hole in the ground, nuclear explosives can make big holes." Robert Oppenheimer, who didn't live to see the NPT enter into force, was once quoted as saying, “It is perfectly obvious that the whole world is going to hell. The only possible chance that it might not is that we do not attempt to prevent it from doing so.” Both quotes indicate people affected by mental illness of one form or another.

Therefore:

With the understanding that the NPT was created by the nuclear-armed nations as a way of maintaining their nuclear hegemony and keeping other nations from possessing nuclear arms and,

In response to the 54 year failure of the bogus NPT to bring about total and complete disarmament and,

In response to 77 years of continuous threat of use of nuclear weapons, which would unleash horrors the likes of which are beyond human comprehension and, 

In response to the mental harm caused to most, if not all, of humanity by the constant threat of human extinction due to nuclear holocaust and,

Since it is obvious that the governments representing the nuclear-armed nations have no intention of giving up their nuclear arsenals,

Be it resolved that an eminent group of mental health professionals have come together to create the Nuclear Age Depression Foundation (NADF). The NADF will provide resources to all interested parties in an effort to treat the billions of residents of Planet Earth who suffer from some form of depression resulting from the knowledge that we are all totally f____d.

More information can be found at https://theloosenukes.blogspot.com.

Disclaimer: The Nuclear Age Depression Foundation is in no way related to or associated with the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation.

Celebrating the Apocalypse (in the Musical Way)...

Ah, the power of music... 

The late Tom Lehrer is, in this humble radioactive activist's opinion, one of the greatest satirists of all time. You have to wonder how a Harvard-trained mathematician (he never got his doctorate, but who cares; he did something much more important!!!) goes to the dark side in such a bright, creative way???

Where would we be without satire in a world that for over three quarters of a century has been poised to destroy itself with the very omnicidal devices of its own making? It's very definition rises to the occasion: "the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues." Lehrer nails it by definition and far beyond!

As he once wrote in a song about Wernher von Braun, the former rocket scientist to the Nazis who the U.S. government brought to our shores to build our nation's rocket program (which became NASA), "'Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down? That's not my department,' says Wernher von Braun."

As for von Braun, who invented the infamous V-2 rocket, he infamously shot for the stars, but hit London.

As for Lehrer, he had a deep enough understanding of the madness of the nuclear arms race, and had the creative, satirical skills to write brilliant lyrics (and some darn good instrumentals too).

Other songs to help us all put on a happy face for the coming apocalypse include the quintessential nonproliferation proliferation piece Who's Next. This might be the time to dust this one off with so many countries wondering if they should get their own nukes (to fend off mighty nuclear-armed nations like Russia... and maybe even the U.S.).

To finish things off (no pun intended), you can't do better than We Will All Go Together When We Go (and we certainly will if we don't abolish nuclear weapons before they abolish humanity!!!). 

As for satire, long may it live... even though Lehrer once remarked that, "Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize.” 

He's got a good point there...