About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

New revelations question previous narratives explaining responsibility for the Nord Stream

The New York Times has reported that new intelligence reviewed by U.S. officials suggests that a pro-Ukrainian group may have carried out the attack on the Nord Stream pipelines last year.

More recently, intelligence disclosed to The Loose Nukes by unnamed sources reveal that that the Nord Stream sabotage may have been conducted by an elite team of canine mercenaries comprised of specially trained Golden Retrievers. It's still unclear whether the team was made up of mercenaries or whether they were working directly for a particular government.

A spokesperson for the Humane Society International, who wished to remain anonymous, said that this disclosure is of great concern to animal rights advocates, and that it is unconscionable that anyone would put animals who don't even have opposable thumbs into such a dangerous situation as one involving high explosives.

It is suspected that the canine underwater demolition team was trained at a secret facility disguised as an animal rescue facility, possibly in a Scandinavian country.

A laboratory is currently analyzing residue from rawhide dog treats found on a beach at a Swedish nudist colony to determine their country of origin. Investigators hope to find other evidence as they comb that site.

The disclosure of the seagoing canines might constitute the first significant lead to emerge from several closely guarded investigations by numerous governments, the conclusions of which could have profound implications for the coalition supporting Ukraine.

Although some have pointed to the United States as being responsible for the bombing, this new finding, if confirmed, would refute that theory since it appears that the Canine divers are far more advanced than any US military specialist teams that would be capable of this kind of operation.

The U.S. Navy has employed marine mammals for decades in any number of roles.

In 1990, the New York Times reported that former Navy trainers had told them dolphins were being taught "to kill enemy divers with nose-mounted guns and explosives," a charge denied by a Navy spokesman.

And in 2000, the BBC reported that Soviet-trained dolphins and other marine mammals were being trained by Russian experts to attack enemy warships and divers. "They could also undertake kamikaze strikes against enemy shipping carrying mines that would explode a ship on contact with its hull."

When asked about the use of dogs for such sophisticated activities as those involving planting explosives, an applied animal behaviorist, who wished to remain anonymous, said that dogs such as retrievers are capable of learning a vast array of skills and are excellent swimmers. 

The expert also theorized that dolphins, because of their large and complex brains, may have decided to resist taking part in any activity involving harming other beings or infrastructure. In that case, she said, they Navy might find another animal that would be less likely to question orders, and retrievers would fit this category quite well.

For now, the quest to find the culprits of the Nord Stream attack continues. Mats Ljungqvist, a senior prosecutor leading Sweden’s investigation and member of the Kariskrona Nudist Colony, told The New York Times late last month that his country’s hunt for the perpetrators was continuing.

“It’s my job to find those who blew up Nord Stream. To help me, I have our country’s Security Service,” Mr. Ljungqvist said. “Do I think it was dogs that blew up Nord Stream? I never thought so. It’s not logical. But... you have to be open to all possibilities.”

Saturday, August 27, 2022

Announcing the Nuclear Age Depression Foundation

On Friday, August 26th, after four weeks of deliberations, the 10th Review Conference of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) concluded with no final agreement. This should come as no surprise as the nuclear-armed nations, led by the United States and Russia (the two largest nuclear-armed nations), have paid lip service to the NPT since its inception. 
Humanity has, for the past 77 years, lived under the nuclear Sword of Damocles, and no one can live under the constant threat of nuclear annihilation without suffering some mental anguish. It is quite likely that much of the mental illness suffered by people throughout the nuclear age has been caused by the knowledge of the threat of use of nuclear weapons, which would result in unimaginable horrors.

The nuclear-armed nations that are signatories to the NPT have all but ignored the intentions of the treaty by not only NOT pursuing "negotiations in good faith on effective measures relating to cessation of the nuclear arms race at an early date and to nuclear disarmament, and on a treaty on general and complete disarmament under strict and effective international control," but also by increasing and modernizing their arsenals and delivery systems over many decades.

In the case of the United States, we hear a never-ending droning-on about the proliferation of nuclear weapons by other states (eg, North Korea) while the US stonewalls when it comes to meeting its obligations under the NPT.    

Once, when asked what he thought of the NPT and the prospects for global disarmament, Edward Teller, known as the father of the hydrogen bomb, criptically remarked, "If anyone wants a hole in the ground, nuclear explosives can make big holes." Robert Oppenheimer, who didn't live to see the NPT enter into force, was once quoted as saying, “It is perfectly obvious that the whole world is going to hell. The only possible chance that it might not is that we do not attempt to prevent it from doing so.” Both quotes indicate people affected by mental illness of one form or another.


With the understanding that the NPT was created by the nuclear-armed nations as a way of maintaining their nuclear hegemony and keeping other nations from possessing nuclear arms and,

In response to the 54 year failure of the bogus NPT to bring about total and complete disarmament and,

In response to 77 years of continuous threat of use of nuclear weapons, which would unleash horrors the likes of which are beyond human comprehension and, 

In response to the mental harm caused to most, if not all, of humanity by the constant threat of human extinction due to nuclear holocaust and,

Since it is obvious that the governments representing the nuclear-armed nations have no intention of giving up their nuclear arsenals,

Be it resolved that an eminent group of mental health professionals have come together to create the Nuclear Age Depression Foundation (NADF). The NADF will provide resources to all interested parties in an effort to treat the billions of residents of Planet Earth who suffer from some form of depression resulting from the knowledge that we are all totally f____d.

More information can be found at https://theloosenukes.blogspot.com.

Disclaimer: The Nuclear Age Depression Foundation is in no way related to or associated with the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation.

Monday, March 14, 2022

Celebrating the Apocalypse (in the Musical Way)...

Ah, the power of music... 

The late Tom Lehrer is, in this humble radioactive activist's opinion, one of the greatest satirists of all time. You have to wonder how a Harvard-trained mathematician (he never got his doctorate, but who cares; he did something much more important!!!) goes to the dark side in such a bright, creative way???

Where would we be without satire in a world that for over three quarters of a century has been poised to destroy itself with the very omnicidal devices of its own making? It's very definition rises to the occasion: "the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues." Lehrer nails it by definition and far beyond!

As he once wrote in a song about Wernher von Braun, the former rocket scientist to the Nazis who the U.S. government brought to our shores to build our nation's rocket program (which became NASA), "'Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down? That's not my department,' says Wernher von Braun."

As for von Braun, who invented the infamous V-2 rocket, he infamously shot for the stars, but hit London.

As for Lehrer, he had a deep enough understanding of the madness of the nuclear arms race, and had the creative, satirical skills to write brilliant lyrics (and some darn good instrumentals too).

Other songs to help us all put on a happy face for the coming apocalypse include the quintessential nonproliferation proliferation piece Who's Next. This might be the time to dust this one off with so many countries wondering if they should get their own nukes (to fend off mighty nuclear-armed nations like Russia... and maybe even the U.S.).

To finish things off (no pun intended), you can't do better than We Will All Go Together When We Go (and we certainly will if we don't abolish nuclear weapons before they abolish humanity!!!). 

As for satire, long may it live... even though Lehrer once remarked that, "Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize.” 

He's got a good point there...

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

Bomb Shelters Are Back... And They're The Bomb!

What is it about fear that makes people go to such great (and seemingly futile) lengths and cost to feel safe? A story as old as (recorded) time, people have profited from the fears of others over countless centuries. It's what Naomi Klein calls Disaster Capitalism in the present-day context, and the disaster capitalists are doing quite well thanks to the mass fear mongering that has reached epic proportions as the Global War on Terror and the current Ukraine crisis have continued to escalate.

Some of you will remember the good old bomb shelter days of the bad old Cold War. Back in the 1950s many folks decided that "duck and cover" just didn't cut it for their families. Keeping up with the Joneses in the 50s often meant building a bomb shelter in one's back yard (or basement). People buried huge steel drums outfitted with at least a few of the comforts of home - beds, lanterns, canned food and water - and waited for the sirens.

Many also had a radiation detector, a nifty device with which they could determine when it was safe to go outside and try to rebuild their lives in what would have actually been a vast, radioactive wasteland had the Superpowers unleashed even a small portion of their massive nuclear arsenals (roughly 65,000 warheads at the peak of the Cold War).

Even today the US and Russia combined have 3250 "deployed strategic" thermonuclear warheads mounted on missiles and bombs that are, as a result of their combined yield and accuracy, far more devastating than much of the old, Cold War nuclear weaponry.

Well folks, if this has you waxing nostalgic for the old days, look no further. Doomsday Shelters are making a comeback. This is Disaster Capitalism at its best (or should I say worst). Some folks are evidently making good money capitalizing on people's worst fears and digging some pretty big holes in the ground and calling them "Catastrophe Shelters." And, as the mid-19th century American showman P.T. Barnum once said, "There's a sucker born every minute."

The Vivos Group has been buying up facilities originally built for the military, and making them available (as "memberships") to people desperate to survive everything you might imagine, and some you would never think of. A slick video showing a world map and displaying dots in various locations scrolls from one threat to the net, covering "HOLY WAR, EARTH CHANGES, ECONOMIC COLLAPSE, CIVIL WARS, EMP ATTACK, IMMIGRATION, MEGA TSUNAMI, MILITARIZATION, PANDEMICS, NIBIRU PLANET X, SECESSION FROM NATION, SUBMERSION, TERRORISM, WW3." Wow, did they leave anything out? 

I don't want to be too critical but hey, the only historically recognized "HOLY WAR" I recall was the period of the Crusades, which were a series of religious wars initiated, supported, and often directed by the Roman Catholic Church (a bunch of religious European mostly white people), and that long period of holy wars officially ended in 1699. Yet one might wonder if recent US invasions of sovereign, predominantly Muslim nations don't qualify as holy wars/crusades, considering the revelations of long-standing, rampant racism on the part of self-proclaimed [white] christian nationalists here in the good old USA). And don't forget the genocidal treatment of the indigenous [Native American] peoples of this continent and our history of slavery! And speaking of "CIVIL WARS", aside from the many civil wars on foreign soil that had - and some current wars that have - their roots in US interventions, I think it's safe to say those crazy white nationalists are itching for a fight.

As for "NIBIRU PLANET X", you might be exclaiming, WTF is that?!?!?! According to Wikipedia, "The Nibiru cataclysm[involving Mibiru Planet X] is a supposed disastrous encounter between Earth and a large planetary object (either a collision or a near-miss) that certain groups believed would take place in the early 21st century." And it gets better - "The idea was first put forward in 1995 by Nancy Lieder, founder of the website ZetaTalk. Lieder describes herself as a contact with the ability to receive messages from extraterrestrials from the Zeta Reticuli star system through an implant in her brain." Lieder states that she was chosen to warn humankind that the encounter with Nibiru Planet X will cause a shift in the poles that will destroy most of humanity. Welcome to the Twilight Zone!

As crazy as the Planet X theory sounds, the doomsday scenario that really caught my attention is "MILITARISM." What's up with that??? Although the video shows a dot in South America, and others in what appear to include China and India, they forgot to include the United States. Let's face it; we invented militarism, and the US is number two in a list of "countries with the Highest Total Gun Deaths (all causes) in 2019." Of course, we should include all the countries to which we (directly or indirectly) sell weapons (of all types); that would surely push the numbers way off the chart.

By now it militarism (and the underlying violence that causes it) has become embedded in our DNA (figuratively speaking). Instead of Onsies, the baby shower gift of choice will one day become a functioning, baby-sized assault rifle (available in a variety of pastel colors); free pacifier included. If some gun manufacturers had their way every child would have kid-sized working tactical/assault weapon (and plenty of ammunition) by the time they reach elementary school. Is that cool or what, say open-carry dads around the country!!!

Meanwhile, people are evidently signing up for "memberships" to get a piece of the Vivos dream. Think of it as the ultimate pre-catastrophe timeshare. When I first looked them up in 2010, you could buy a share for $50,000 per adult, and just half that for kids. The website currently lists a price of $35,000 per person for a "turnkey shelter." And you can shell out as much as "$110,000 to $120,000 for a fully built out bunker" at Vivos xPoint, touted as the "largest survival community on Earth." What a bargain!

When something really nasty is about to go down, you just head over to your designated shelter and, assuming there isn't a massive, angry, heavily-armed mob also trying to get in, pop inside and wait out the worst (and wait, and wait, and wait...). Is that a great deal or what??? Of course, I won't ask how they are going to guarantee up to "five years with food, power, water and filtered air", not to mention how they will keep out the masses of post-apocalyptic ZOMBIES!

All kidding aside, the people behind this trend deny that they are profiting from people's fears. As Robert K. Vicino, Founder & CEO,  a disaster denizen and founder of the Vivos Global Shelter Network, says:,

"You don't think of the person who sells you a fire extinguisher as taking advantage of your fear," he says. "The fact that you may never use that fire extinguisher doesn't make it a waste or bad... We're not creating the fear; the fear is already out there. We're creating a solution." 

I'm not so sure about the fire extinguisher analogy, but I can agree with him on one point; they are not creating the fear. Of course that is simply a matter of semantics. They are building (massively) on existing fears, and are doing a pretty good job of burying what is left of the Social Contract. This is the quintessential Naomi Klein vision of a Disaster Capitalism-plagued world where only the wealthy are saved.

As for Vivos' claim that they are "creating a solution," I think a more productive (and socially conscious) solution, particularly from the standpoint of nuclear weapons, might be to learn to address conflict nonviolently, stop invading other nations, support and strengthen the United Nations, and abolish nuclear weapons. The terrorist nuclear threat has been overblown; the greatest threat from nuclear weapons currently is, and always has been, that of nuclear war. And currently there is a very real threat of the use of nuclear weapons between the US and Russia should conventional war break out over the Ukraine crisis.

And now for the question of who gets to play? The Vivos website touts one of its shelters, Vivos xPoint, as "an epic humanitarian project the size of a city." WOW!!! How does a private, membership-only, survival shelter "with accommodations for more than 5,000 like-minded survivalists to ride out 'the event' and the aftermath to follow" qualify as a "humanitarian project"??? This no public works project; money speaks volumes here, and buys access. This NO humanitarian project, and I'm guessing with all their doublespeak about how to not become "a victim of the marauders during the aftermath following a large scale cataclysm or catastrophic event" is coded language for "white people only!" Just saying.  

The people at Vivos are seriously working this thing to the max. playing up the End Times big time. Talk about some serious fear mongering; these folks are too much. First they tug at people's white nationalist heartstrings:

"Vivos is not just a shelter company. It is a network of communities of like-minded people, supporting each other for the best chance of surviving virtually any disaster."

And then further down the home page comes the End Times pitch:

"Be ready for the doomsday events predicted in the Bible and by prophets over the ages. If you believe in the Biblical predictions of Armageddon, or the prophecies of Nostradamus, the Third Secret of Fatima, the visions of Edgar Cayce, or all of the current signs of attack by North Korea, WW3, a pandemic, an EMP power outage, Yellowstone's eruption, the increase threats of an asteroid collision, Nibiru/Planet X, widespread global radiation, major earth changes, or even a sudden pole shift, then it is time to prepare for your family's survival!"

Meanwhile back in the shelter, assuming that people don't go totally nuts after being cooped up underground for such a long period of time after a nuclear holocaust (let's face it; how many times can you watch The Day After before wanting to end it all), once they see what they are returning to they just might wish that they had spent that $35,000 (and more) on one huge pre-Armageddon block party. 

As for me, I am spending my money and energy on nonviolent conflict resolution and nuclear abolition.

Biden and Putin - You have been warned! Time to ditch the nukes AND the militarism; why don't you both just grown up!!! And We The People must resist the fear mongers at at levels and seek collective, inclusive, nonviolent solutions to ALL the threats we face (many of which are initiated and propagated by the greed of a small number of people in power and the lower-level opportunists who take advantage of people for their own selfish gain.

Friday, February 18, 2022

Ukrainians Flocking To Buy Nuclear Survival Travel Trailers Amidst Potential Nuclear Crisis

As the US and Russia continue their saber-rattling, people in the Ukraine are preparing for the eventuality of war. An indicator of Ukrainians' angst is the mile-long line of people waiting to enter the Armageddon 2000 showroom in the city of Kyiv.

Armageddon Industries is the manufacturer of the world-renowned Armageddon 2000 nuclear survival travel trailer. 

The showroom opened in January as Armageddon Industries began its 2022 global expansion plan to grow into new markets outside of the US as sales have skyrocketed in recent years due to the new global nuclear arms race.

Armageddon Industries founder and CEO Dave Patterson, in a recent TED Talk, spoke of "the need, in the absence of any sanity among the nuclear nations, to offer some modicum of protection to people everywhere, not just in the US." He outlined plans to open showrooms in both China and Russia by the end of 2022 and, "if the US can't get it together and save the JCPOA with Iran," a showroom in Tehran. 

All the comforts of home; you'll barely notice the end of the world.

Many Ukrainians appreciate the concept of a travel trailer that can get them out of town before the shelling starts and, in the event of a nuclear war, protection against blast, radiation pulse, and radioactive fallout. As one Kyiv resident, who had been waiting outside in a sleeping bag all night, said, "This is a great opportunity to be prepared for the worst and to have some fun while doing it. I picture myself and my family sitting in my A-2000 on the edge of the Black Sea with the warm glow of the firestorms off to the east."

The spacious floorpan of the 2022 A-2000; room for the entire family.

The 2022 Armageddon 2000 continues to lead the way in nuclear-hardened travel trailers. Its proprietary design features are light years ahead of any of its competitors, and even the US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) has been unable to reverse engineer any of the key features of the Armageddon 2000.

Fashion for a post-apocalyptic world!
Armageddon Industries has consistently refused to enter into a contract with the Pentagon to build a military version of the A-2000. Patterson, who is also a member of Veterans for Peace, said he is "puzzled over a Pentagon that seems to act more like a public-works project, seeing its primary mission to spend money willy-nilly, fattening the pockets of fat-cat weapons builders. As much as I would love to get even a small portion of the mega-profits going to military contractors I cannot in good conscience work with a militaristic regime."

The January issue of Trailer Life featured the 2022 Armageddon 2000 with the XLT package. Trailer Life review staff put the A-2000 through its paces in a number of extreme environments and laboratory tests, and the A-2000 got five stars on all counts. It received a near-perfect score in the obstacle course, which simulated a post-nuclear blast environment at a distance of one mile from the hypocenter of a single 90 kiloton - the explosive yield of the US Navy's W76-1 thermonuclear warhead - detonation.

New features on the 2022 model include a closed loop process water recycling system, self-cleaning solar panels, improved photochromic blast resistant windows, and all radiation-hardened electronics. Also included are lifetime subscriptions to Disney+ and Prepper Survival Guide. Options include a high efficiency hydroponic growing system, real-time 24/7 exterior and interior radiation monitoring, and pop-up decontamination module (for after those hikes in the radioactive wasteland).

Undated photo of Armageddon Industries CEO Dave Patterson with the
Armageddon 2000 prototype during initial testing at an
undisclosed location near the Nevada Test Site.

Patterson is a vocal advocate for a nuclear weapons-free world. When asked by Trailer Life what he thinks the prospects are in the burgeoning new era of proliferation he replied, "Yes, the nuclear armed nations keep putting humanity at risk of extinction, yet the vast majority of nations have called for an end to this madness via the Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons. The handwriting is on the wall; time for the nuclear-armed nations to reach agreement and move toward zero [nuclear weapons]."

Patterson, whose company is 100% employee owned, announced that Armageddon Industries will begin this year donating 10% of pre-tax income to organizations working to abolish nuclear weapons and build a peaceful world for all. The company's website states that it's employee retirement fund does not invest in any companies involved in the development, production or maintaining nuclear weapons.

Meanwhile, in Ukraine, the excitement at the Armageddon Industries showroom was palpable. As a special incentive for pre-ordering a 2022 A-2000 XLT Ukraine Edition, Armageddon Industries announced it will include nuclear fallout protective suits for each member of the purchaser's immediate family. After all, you can't be cooped up indoors all the time, even after a nuclear holocaust.

Thursday, February 17, 2022

Biden: "The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming!!!"

President Biden has been become increasingly frustrated that the American people are not taking him seriously when he warns (every day) that the Russians could invade Ukraine at any moment. To demonstrate how imminent the threat is, The White House is arranging a national virtual screening of the 1966 movie "The Russians are Coming."

Biden said in today's news conference that, "People watch the news every day seeing those Russian tanks driving really fast in the snow thinking, wow that looks so cool; don't they get it? This is real folks; they're ready to go at any moment. They got em surrounded! Bang, Bang; game over! This film will sober them up."

Speaking to the question of whether the film screening is a form of inflammatory, pro-war propaganda, Biden retorted, "Come on! This film gets right to it folks; the Russians have done this before, and they will try again. We've got to be strong against the aggressor. We're just protecting freedom like we always do."

Corporate media outlets' initial response to the Biden administration's request was positive. A spokesperson for NBC who was not yet born when the film was first shown in theaters said, "Wow, this looks like a great documentary; why wasn't it nominated for an Academy Award back in its time?"

A number of white nationalist militia groups have been showing excitement over the film screening. A member of The Proud Boys said, "If you thought January 6th was an opportunity for recruitment and radicalization action, this film could push all that way over the top. This is the ultimate vigilantism at its best; the heroes portrayed in this drama are just everyday Americans like me who love their country just the way it once was."

Since The White House announcement, submarine sightings on both the Pacific and Atlantic coasts, as well as on the Great Lakes, have soared, clogging 911 emergency call centers around the country. 

In Washington State, white vigilantes mistook an OHIO Class "Trident" ballistic missile submarine docked at Naval Base Kitsap Bangor on Hood Canal for a Russian submarine and attempted to board it from their small recreational fishing boat. They were stopped by Naval security personnel well before reaching the vessel. One vigilante, when asked how they could make such a mistake, said, "Heck, all submarines look the same to me. I don't know how we're supposed to tell a Roosky from an American sub."

Check your local Fox Network station for broadcast times for "The Russians Are Coming."

Tuesday, February 8, 2022

My Button's Bigger Than Yours!

 WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – A former Trump White House staffer, who wished to remain anonymous, has revealed that Trump had “no clue about anything related to nuclear weapons.” 

As an anxious nation, and the corporations making tons of money from the US Government's addiction to nuclear weapons, await the release of the 2022 Nuclear Posture Review - the legislatively-mandated review that establishes U.S. nuclear policy, strategy, capabilities and force posture - the unnamed staffer just couldn't hold this information in any more.

In an interview with the staffer, who had regular contact with the former president, just a day after the release of the 2018 Nuclear Posture Review, President Donald Trump expressed outrage that there was no mention of his “nuclear button.” Unnamed White House sources said the President “went ballistic” when he learned about the omission, asking how “Rocket Man” would take the U.S. nuclear threat seriously if he didn't think the United States has a nuclear button, and a much bigger one at that.

In January 2018 Trump said that the nuclear launch button on his desk is "much bigger" and "more powerful" than that of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un – and that his button actually "works." Trump went on to say that, “North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the 'Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times,'" Trump tweeted. "Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!"

Trump was shocked when Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis informed him that no such nuclear button exists, and gave him a tutorial on the infamous “nuclear football,” which allows the president to transmit the orders to launch nuclear weapons and destroy all of humanity. Trump was dumbfounded; “you mean that guy in uniform following me around everywhere with that really big leather briefcase? By the way, is that real leather or faux leather? I don't care for faux leather; it's cheap; faux leather is for losers.”    

The President immediately ordered Mattis to have a nuclear button installed on his desk. Trump is rumored to have said, “I don't care about codes. Who needs codes? What's the deal with that? And that guy sitting outside my bedroom all night with that briefcase chained to his wrist really creeps me out.” 

Fortunately for the citizens of the US Thermonuclear Monarchy, former President Trump, was never given the opportunity to try out the real “nuclear button.” The nation awaits yet another Nuclear Posture Review, and although President Biden seems like a reasonably stable individual... well, you never know!