About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!
Showing posts with label Militarism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Militarism. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 19, 2024

Uncle Sam says "So long suckers; I Quit!"

WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – In the greatest White House personnel shakeup in history, Uncle Sam gave notice that he is retiring. 

Sam, who has been on the job since 1813, said he has finally had enough: “I'm tired of being the spokesperson for a warmongering, racist, oil-hungry empire over far too many administrations, both Democrat and Republican. And worse yet, this new guy moving into The White House is the worse kind of racist, misogynistic grifter who is bringing a whole cadre of jackboot-licking cronies along with him. This level of Fascism makes Adolph Hitler and Benito Mussolini look like amateurs. I'm so done with this!”

In an unprecedented and surprise appearance before a shocked White House Press Corps this morning, Sam appeared visibly shaken by recent events. He ranted for ten minutes about what has happened to our country and “what a damn mess politicians have made of it.”  


He also referred to the election of Trump as "the last straw." He was already considering retiring after the Biden administration's unending “immoral aiding and abetting of the Israeli government's genocide on the Palestinian people.” For Sam, the “Congress has become a complete [bad] joke; both Democrats and Republicans... they've given recent presidents a blank check for endless wars.” 

“I really thought I was doing right by the American people over the past 200-plus years, but I can see clearly now that I have been used time and time again as a pawn for these low-lifes who have insidiously taken over our nation on behalf of the greedy Wall Street elites, and now the Silicon Valley tech billionaires. While We The People have been sold a bill of goods about outside threats like communism and terrorists, our country has been taken over by a bunch of greedy racist warmongers who are getting rich off the sweat of hardworking American taxpayers who keep the war machine running full speed ahead. And that's just so wrong.”

Sam began to cry when asked about his iconic “I WANT YOU” posters that have been responsible for countless young Americans joining the military and, “after being sent to fight the rich man's wars, return home damaged both physically and mentally, if not killed in the name of freedom. It's really all about the freedom of rich, greedy corporate profiteers to make a killing, both literally and figuratively.” After regaining his composure he said, “I sincerely regret luring so many of our young people to fight in U.S. wars of aggression.”

“Retired Marine Corps General Smedley Butler got it right when he said that 'War Is A Racket.' And it certainly is a profitable one for the Military-Industrial Complex. Damn, I wish I had listened to Eisenhower back in the day. We could have saved so many young people from needless death and suffering, not to mention the carnage, unstable and fascist governments, and ill-will we've helped create in other countries.”

Sam reflected on all the wasted money that should be spent on education, health care, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, sustainable energy, and so much more. “Let's face it; this is what a failing empire does... squanders its treasure, both human and financial, on senseless foreign adventures and the greedy desires of Wall Street, while neglecting the needs of the working people.” 

When asked where he is going upon his retirement, sam replied, “Where the hell can you go. No place is out of reach of U.S. military power or its nuclear weapons, with roughly 750 US foreign military bases spread across 80 nations! I'm thinking of cashing out my savings bonds and buying a time-share in an RV park doomsday shelter. That seems like the best investment these days."

Sam spoke of how he was recently diagnosed with PTSD:  I'm going to get some well-deserved psychotherapy to work through all this. We're talking over 200 years of cumulative trauma; where do I even begin? I figure I had better do it now while I still have Medicare coverage. Who knows if it, or any other government program serving the people, will survive four years of Trump.”

Reflecting on the work ahead, Uncle Sam said, "Once I'm feeling more myself I plan to head out on the open road, joining in with every demonstration for peace and justice. After all, I've created quite a brand, and it's high time I use it to do some real good for the people of the United States, especially the young people whose future we are currently selling down the river in the greatest betrayal of all time. I'm certainly not just going to go play golf with whatever time I have left!"

Before leaving the podium, Sam said he would not be taking any further questions, but admonished the members of the press for "pandering to those in power" saying, "The late broadcast journalist Walter Cronkite once said, 'We are not educated well enough to perform the necessary act of intelligently selecting our leaders.' You members of the press have a solemn duty to tell the people what they need to know rather than what they want to know in a so-called free society. It's time that each of you earn the title of journalist! That's all folks."


Tuesday, February 22, 2022

Bomb Shelters Are Back... And They're The Bomb!

What is it about fear that makes people go to such great (and seemingly futile) lengths and cost to feel safe? A story as old as (recorded) time, people have profited from the fears of others over countless centuries. It's what Naomi Klein calls Disaster Capitalism in the present-day context, and the disaster capitalists are doing quite well thanks to the mass fear mongering that has reached epic proportions as the Global War on Terror and the current Ukraine crisis have continued to escalate.

Some of you will remember the good old bomb shelter days of the bad old Cold War. Back in the 1950s many folks decided that "duck and cover" just didn't cut it for their families. Keeping up with the Joneses in the 50s often meant building a bomb shelter in one's back yard (or basement). People buried huge steel drums outfitted with at least a few of the comforts of home - beds, lanterns, canned food and water - and waited for the sirens.

Many also had a radiation detector, a nifty device with which they could determine when it was safe to go outside and try to rebuild their lives in what would have actually been a vast, radioactive wasteland had the Superpowers unleashed even a small portion of their massive nuclear arsenals (roughly 65,000 warheads at the peak of the Cold War).

Even today the US and Russia combined have 3250 "deployed strategic" thermonuclear warheads mounted on missiles and bombs that are, as a result of their combined yield and accuracy, far more devastating than much of the old, Cold War nuclear weaponry.

Well folks, if this has you waxing nostalgic for the old days, look no further. Doomsday Shelters are making a comeback. This is Disaster Capitalism at its best (or should I say worst). Some folks are evidently making good money capitalizing on people's worst fears and digging some pretty big holes in the ground and calling them "Catastrophe Shelters." And, as the mid-19th century American showman P.T. Barnum once said, "There's a sucker born every minute."

The Vivos Group has been buying up facilities originally built for the military, and making them available (as "memberships") to people desperate to survive everything you might imagine, and some you would never think of. A slick video showing a world map and displaying dots in various locations scrolls from one threat to the net, covering "HOLY WAR, EARTH CHANGES, ECONOMIC COLLAPSE, CIVIL WARS, EMP ATTACK, IMMIGRATION, MEGA TSUNAMI, MILITARIZATION, PANDEMICS, NIBIRU PLANET X, SECESSION FROM NATION, SUBMERSION, TERRORISM, WW3." Wow, did they leave anything out? 

I don't want to be too critical but hey, the only historically recognized "HOLY WAR" I recall was the period of the Crusades, which were a series of religious wars initiated, supported, and often directed by the Roman Catholic Church (a bunch of religious European mostly white people), and that long period of holy wars officially ended in 1699. Yet one might wonder if recent US invasions of sovereign, predominantly Muslim nations don't qualify as holy wars/crusades, considering the revelations of long-standing, rampant racism on the part of self-proclaimed [white] christian nationalists here in the good old USA). And don't forget the genocidal treatment of the indigenous [Native American] peoples of this continent and our history of slavery! And speaking of "CIVIL WARS", aside from the many civil wars on foreign soil that had - and some current wars that have - their roots in US interventions, I think it's safe to say those crazy white nationalists are itching for a fight.

As for "NIBIRU PLANET X", you might be exclaiming, WTF is that?!?!?! According to Wikipedia, "The Nibiru cataclysm[involving Mibiru Planet X] is a supposed disastrous encounter between Earth and a large planetary object (either a collision or a near-miss) that certain groups believed would take place in the early 21st century." And it gets better - "The idea was first put forward in 1995 by Nancy Lieder, founder of the website ZetaTalk. Lieder describes herself as a contact with the ability to receive messages from extraterrestrials from the Zeta Reticuli star system through an implant in her brain." Lieder states that she was chosen to warn humankind that the encounter with Nibiru Planet X will cause a shift in the poles that will destroy most of humanity. Welcome to the Twilight Zone!

As crazy as the Planet X theory sounds, the doomsday scenario that really caught my attention is "MILITARISM." What's up with that??? Although the video shows a dot in South America, and others in what appear to include China and India, they forgot to include the United States. Let's face it; we invented militarism, and the US is number two in a list of "countries with the Highest Total Gun Deaths (all causes) in 2019." Of course, we should include all the countries to which we (directly or indirectly) sell weapons (of all types); that would surely push the numbers way off the chart.

By now it militarism (and the underlying violence that causes it) has become embedded in our DNA (figuratively speaking). Instead of Onsies, the baby shower gift of choice will one day become a functioning, baby-sized assault rifle (available in a variety of pastel colors); free pacifier included. If some gun manufacturers had their way every child would have kid-sized working tactical/assault weapon (and plenty of ammunition) by the time they reach elementary school. Is that cool or what, say open-carry dads around the country!!!

Meanwhile, people are evidently signing up for "memberships" to get a piece of the Vivos dream. Think of it as the ultimate pre-catastrophe timeshare. When I first looked them up in 2010, you could buy a share for $50,000 per adult, and just half that for kids. The website currently lists a price of $35,000 per person for a "turnkey shelter." And you can shell out as much as "$110,000 to $120,000 for a fully built out bunker" at Vivos xPoint, touted as the "largest survival community on Earth." What a bargain!


When something really nasty is about to go down, you just head over to your designated shelter and, assuming there isn't a massive, angry, heavily-armed mob also trying to get in, pop inside and wait out the worst (and wait, and wait, and wait...). Is that a great deal or what??? Of course, I won't ask how they are going to guarantee up to "five years with food, power, water and filtered air", not to mention how they will keep out the masses of post-apocalyptic ZOMBIES!

All kidding aside, the people behind this trend deny that they are profiting from people's fears. As Robert K. Vicino, Founder & CEO,  a disaster denizen and founder of the Vivos Global Shelter Network, says:,

"You don't think of the person who sells you a fire extinguisher as taking advantage of your fear," he says. "The fact that you may never use that fire extinguisher doesn't make it a waste or bad... We're not creating the fear; the fear is already out there. We're creating a solution." 

I'm not so sure about the fire extinguisher analogy, but I can agree with him on one point; they are not creating the fear. Of course that is simply a matter of semantics. They are building (massively) on existing fears, and are doing a pretty good job of burying what is left of the Social Contract. This is the quintessential Naomi Klein vision of a Disaster Capitalism-plagued world where only the wealthy are saved.


As for Vivos' claim that they are "creating a solution," I think a more productive (and socially conscious) solution, particularly from the standpoint of nuclear weapons, might be to learn to address conflict nonviolently, stop invading other nations, support and strengthen the United Nations, and abolish nuclear weapons. The terrorist nuclear threat has been overblown; the greatest threat from nuclear weapons currently is, and always has been, that of nuclear war. And currently there is a very real threat of the use of nuclear weapons between the US and Russia should conventional war break out over the Ukraine crisis.

And now for the question of who gets to play? The Vivos website touts one of its shelters, Vivos xPoint, as "an epic humanitarian project the size of a city." WOW!!! How does a private, membership-only, survival shelter "with accommodations for more than 5,000 like-minded survivalists to ride out 'the event' and the aftermath to follow" qualify as a "humanitarian project"??? This no public works project; money speaks volumes here, and buys access. This NO humanitarian project, and I'm guessing with all their doublespeak about how to not become "a victim of the marauders during the aftermath following a large scale cataclysm or catastrophic event" is coded language for "white people only!" Just saying.  

The people at Vivos are seriously working this thing to the max. playing up the End Times big time. Talk about some serious fear mongering; these folks are too much. First they tug at people's white nationalist heartstrings:

"Vivos is not just a shelter company. It is a network of communities of like-minded people, supporting each other for the best chance of surviving virtually any disaster."

And then further down the home page comes the End Times pitch:

"Be ready for the doomsday events predicted in the Bible and by prophets over the ages. If you believe in the Biblical predictions of Armageddon, or the prophecies of Nostradamus, the Third Secret of Fatima, the visions of Edgar Cayce, or all of the current signs of attack by North Korea, WW3, a pandemic, an EMP power outage, Yellowstone's eruption, the increase threats of an asteroid collision, Nibiru/Planet X, widespread global radiation, major earth changes, or even a sudden pole shift, then it is time to prepare for your family's survival!"

Meanwhile back in the shelter, assuming that people don't go totally nuts after being cooped up underground for such a long period of time after a nuclear holocaust (let's face it; how many times can you watch The Day After before wanting to end it all), once they see what they are returning to they just might wish that they had spent that $35,000 (and more) on one huge pre-Armageddon block party. 

As for me, I am spending my money and energy on nonviolent conflict resolution and nuclear abolition.

Biden and Putin - You have been warned! Time to ditch the nukes AND the militarism; why don't you both just grown up!!! And We The People must resist the fear mongers at at levels and seek collective, inclusive, nonviolent solutions to ALL the threats we face (many of which are initiated and propagated by the greed of a small number of people in power and the lower-level opportunists who take advantage of people for their own selfish gain.

Thursday, February 17, 2022

Biden: "The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming!!!"


President Biden has been become increasingly frustrated that the American people are not taking him seriously when he warns (every day) that the Russians could invade Ukraine at any moment. To demonstrate how imminent the threat is, The White House is arranging a national virtual screening of the 1966 movie "The Russians are Coming."

Biden said in today's news conference that, "People watch the news every day seeing those Russian tanks driving really fast in the snow thinking, wow that looks so cool; don't they get it? This is real folks; they're ready to go at any moment. They got em surrounded! Bang, Bang; game over! This film will sober them up."

Speaking to the question of whether the film screening is a form of inflammatory, pro-war propaganda, Biden retorted, "Come on! This film gets right to it folks; the Russians have done this before, and they will try again. We've got to be strong against the aggressor. We're just protecting freedom like we always do."

Corporate media outlets' initial response to the Biden administration's request was positive. A spokesperson for NBC who was not yet born when the film was first shown in theaters said, "Wow, this looks like a great documentary; why wasn't it nominated for an Academy Award back in its time?"

A number of white nationalist militia groups have been showing excitement over the film screening. A member of The Proud Boys said, "If you thought January 6th was an opportunity for recruitment and radicalization action, this film could push all that way over the top. This is the ultimate vigilantism at its best; the heroes portrayed in this drama are just everyday Americans like me who love their country just the way it once was."

Since The White House announcement, submarine sightings on both the Pacific and Atlantic coasts, as well as on the Great Lakes, have soared, clogging 911 emergency call centers around the country. 

In Washington State, white vigilantes mistook an OHIO Class "Trident" ballistic missile submarine docked at Naval Base Kitsap Bangor on Hood Canal for a Russian submarine and attempted to board it from their small recreational fishing boat. They were stopped by Naval security personnel well before reaching the vessel. One vigilante, when asked how they could make such a mistake, said, "Heck, all submarines look the same to me. I don't know how we're supposed to tell a Roosky from an American sub."

Check your local Fox Network station for broadcast times for "The Russians Are Coming."


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Santa Claus: "Peace on Earth -- Or Else."

It's never too early to think about the Holiday Season (especially the Holiday Protest Season); just ask every retailer bombarding people's televisions with commercial messages bleeding red and green, and just teeming with tinsel.

Well, Santa Claus has finally gotten into the act.  Mr. Claus recently took time off from the last minute toy production madness up at the North Pole to speak out for nuclear disarmament.

Claus travelled, accompanied by a gaggle of his merry elves AND an eight foot-long replica of a thermonuclear armed missile (looking strikingly similar to the Minuteman III - just don't look too closely - recently test launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base), to New York.  Claus's sleigh broke down at Poughkeepsie, NY, and in the spirit of the season, someone loaned Claus a three wheeled bicycle.

Santa and his elves on the way to the United Nations
Claus had a specific destination in mind - the United Nations.  Claus brought a definitive seasonal message to the world's leaders - "Peace on Earth -- Or Else." 

Santa was not allowed inside the UN headquarters, so he shouted his message to all who would listen on the streets of New York.  He and his elves kicked off the Holiday Season with a new rendition of Jingle Bells:
Jingle bells, we're going to Hell
Burning all the way
Oh what fun,
it is to die,
In a fiery nuclear way
Hey!
Bystanders were simultaneously thrilled and terrified by the quirky holiday jingle, and were amazed when Claus told them how much of their tax dollars their own government is wasting on nuclear weapons at the expense of human needs.  "That [spending on weapons of mass annihilation] is so scrooge-like," said Santa.
"It is so easy to get distracted by the materialism of the season, while nuclear annihilation is just a press of a button away.  It's important to put nuclear disarmament on the front burner and turn the heat up.  I feel like the original message of Christmas has been lost thanks to the geniuses on Madison Avenue (right here in New York).  It's time to reclaim that original message of peace, and I'm the jolly old fellow who can do it."
Santa and his elves continued on from the UN building through the city before returning to the North Pole.  They handed out little green toy soldiers to passersby as a reminder of the tragic human consequences of war.
When asked by a reporter if he wasn't just upsetting people's holidays before they've even begun, Santa replied, "Is there ever a convenient time???  Each of us has a responsibility to stand up for what is right and speak out.  Sometimes that goes against the societal norm.  But that should not stop us.  It's a moral responsibility.  I know it's hard for most people to see Santa calling for peace and nuclear disarmament.  But hey, I care deeply about humanity, and especially all those children to whom I'm responsible.  If I don't say something, one day there may be no children for me to deliver presents to.  Now that would be a real tragedy."

Following on those comments Santa said that thanks to his new high speed internet connection at the Pole he can now sign petitions and send emails to decision makers around the world with a click of his "mouse."  "I just signed one [petition] from the folks at Nuclear Age Peace Foundation calling on the United States to take all its land-based thermonuclear armed missiles off high alert status (Is that crazy of what???) and start dismantling them.  I mean... just what good is something that is only designed to incinerate millions of innocent people???"  One of the elves chimed in, "That's just plain crazy!!!" 
A reporter then asked if President Obama was on Santa's famous "naughty or nice" list.  The jolly old guy laughed and said he could neither confirm nor deny the existence of such a list.  He then grimaced and said, "Well, it's safe to say that if such a list existed, the CEO's of all those weapons manufacturers would definitely be on the 'NAUGHTY' list.  It's kind of a no-brainer.  I have a new office staffed by elves who do nothing but track and list all the profiteers around the world who are benefiting from warmaking.  Tragically, that list has been growing by leaps and bounds."

"As for Obama..." and Santa paused for a moment, "redemption is always on the table."
And then Santa was off and pedalling.  As he wheeled across the Brooklyn Bridge with his elves running behind him, one could hear the distant (yet strong) call for

"Peace on Earth.  Good Will to All People."

###

Editor's Notes: 

Thanks to the Huffington Post for the story that got the creative juices flowing on this one. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/santa-claus-united-nations-joey-skaggs-nuclear-protest_n_2124695.html#slide=1754034

In the true spirit of the season, let us all work (on every level) for PEACE.  Sign petitions; send emails, letters and/or faxes to decision makers; engage others - family, friends, co-workers, people you meet on the street - in the struggle for a peaceful world for all.  What better gift can we give???


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Containing China: Oh, Sure!

Is there a psychiatrist in the house???  Yes, the Pentagon needs some serious psychoanalysis about this missile defense stuff.  I mean really!!!  Do we really think we can put the military heat on China.  Did we learn ANYTHING from the COLD WAR???  Evidently not!!!

Bruce Gagnon, Coordinator of the Global Network Against Weapons and Nuclear Power in Space, just wrapped up his West Coast tour.  Here's a graphic reminder of one of Bruce's major, central points about the current U.S. focus on Asia and the drive to encircle China (and in a CHINESE newspaper no less!!!). 

This cartoon was published in China Daily USA, the Friday - Sunday, March 30 - April 1, 2012 edition: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/cndy/2012-03/30/content_14948023.htm