WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – In the greatest White House personnel shakeup in history, Uncle Sam gave notice that he is retiring.
Sam, who has been on the job since 1813, said he has finally had enough: “I'm tired of being the spokesperson for a warmongering, racist, oil-hungry empire over far too many administrations, both Democrat and Republican. And worse yet, this new guy moving into The White House is the worse kind of racist, misogynistic grifter who is bringing a whole cadre of jackboot-licking cronies along with him. This level of Fascism makes Adolph Hitler and Benito Mussolini look like amateurs. I'm so done with this!”
In an unprecedented and surprise appearance before a shocked White House Press Corps this morning, Sam appeared visibly shaken by recent events. He ranted for ten minutes about what has happened to our country and “what a damn mess politicians have made of it.”
He also referred to the election of Trump as "the last straw." He was already considering retiring after the Biden administration's unending “immoral aiding and abetting of the Israeli government's genocide on the Palestinian people.” For Sam, the “Congress has become a complete [bad] joke; both Democrats and Republicans... they've given recent presidents a blank check for endless wars.”
“I really thought I was doing right by the American people over the past 200-plus years, but I can see clearly now that I have been used time and time again as a pawn for these low-lifes who have insidiously taken over our nation on behalf of the greedy Wall Street elites, and now the Silicon Valley tech billionaires. While We The People have been sold a bill of goods about outside threats like communism and terrorists, our country has been taken over by a bunch of greedy racist warmongers who are getting rich off the sweat of hardworking American taxpayers who keep the war machine running full speed ahead. And that's just so wrong.”
Sam began to cry when asked about his iconic “I WANT YOU” posters that have been responsible for countless young Americans joining the military and, “after being sent to fight the rich man's wars, return home damaged both physically and mentally, if not killed in the name of freedom. It's really all about the freedom of rich, greedy corporate profiteers to make a killing, both literally and figuratively.” After regaining his composure he said, “I sincerely regret luring so many of our young people to fight in U.S. wars of aggression.”
“Retired Marine Corps General Smedley Butler got it right when he said that 'War Is A Racket.' And it certainly is a profitable one for the Military-Industrial Complex. Damn, I wish I had listened to Eisenhower back in the day. We could have saved so many young people from needless death and suffering, not to mention the carnage, unstable and fascist governments, and ill-will we've helped create in other countries.”
Sam reflected on all the wasted money that should be spent on education, health care, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, sustainable energy, and so much more. “Let's face it; this is what a failing empire does... squanders its treasure, both human and financial, on senseless foreign adventures and the greedy desires of Wall Street, while neglecting the needs of the working people.”
When asked where he is going upon his retirement, sam replied, “Where the hell can you go. No place is out of reach of U.S. military power or its nuclear weapons, with roughly 750 US foreign military bases spread across 80 nations! I'm thinking of cashing out my savings bonds and buying a time-share in an RV park doomsday shelter. That seems like the best investment these days."
Sam spoke of how he was recently diagnosed with PTSD: I'm going to get some well-deserved psychotherapy to work through all this. We're talking over 200 years of cumulative trauma; where do I even begin? I figure I had better do it now while I still have Medicare coverage. Who knows if it, or any other government program serving the people, will survive four years of Trump.”
Reflecting on the work ahead, Uncle Sam said, "Once I'm feeling more myself I plan to head out on the open road, joining in with every demonstration for peace and justice. After all, I've created quite a brand, and it's high time I use it to do some real good for the people of the United States, especially the young people whose future we are currently selling down the river in the greatest betrayal of all time. I'm certainly not just going to go play golf with whatever time I have left!"
Before leaving the podium, Sam said he would not be taking any further questions, but admonished the members of the press for "pandering to those in power" saying, "The late broadcast journalist Walter Cronkite once said, 'We are not educated well enough to perform the necessary act of intelligently selecting our leaders.' You members of the press have a solemn duty to tell the people what they need to know rather than what they want to know in a so-called free society. It's time that each of you earn the title of journalist! That's all folks."
