Trump Executive Order Says "You're Outa Here Big Bird!"

Washington (The Loose Nukes): In what may be his most sweeping executive order yet affecting Freedom of the Press, President Donald Trump has decreed that Fox News will be the only media organization recognized by The White House. 

Trump said it was a pretty tough decision, but concluded that even though Fox has occasionally questioned his decisions, "for the most part they've been pretty good. "I have an ability... I don't watch the lefty fake news networks like NBC anymore. They're as bad as CNN. And you gotta love Fox & Friends... they've got that Ainsley Airhardt; oh, she's a looker, I gotta tell you. It's my favorite show on TV."

The order states that all funds saved by the implementation of his executive order "ENDING TAXPAYER SUBSIDIZATION OF BIASED MEDIA", which revokes all funding currently being received by National Public Radio (NPR) and the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS), will be distributed to Fox News, which is well known for its "fair, accurate, unbiased, and nonpartisan news coverage."

Finally, the order allows the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to revoke the broadcast license of any television station if the president becomes displeased with their coverage. 

“We don’t have a Free and Fair ‘Press’ in this Country anymore,” Trump wrote in a recent post. “We have a Press that writes BAD STORIES, and CHEATS, BIG, ON POLLS. IT IS COMPROMISED AND CORRUPT. SAD!

Although not explicitly stated in the executive order, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that Fox News personnel will be assigned the entire first two rows in the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room, traditionally reserved for the most prominent news organizations.

In response to a question by a Washington Post reporter about what it will take for reporters to earn the President's respect, Leavitt retorted that "if media outlets don't bend the knee"... "they will lose big time. Any more questions?"

END NOTE: OK, so the executive order doesn't go quite as far as this fake story would have you believe - that is if you believe much of what you read on the internet - but it is not so far off when you consider how far the U.S. is sliding down the slippery slope into the fascist abyss. Beware my friends... remember that old saying: "First they came for Big Bird..."

REFERENCES

Executive Order: ENDING TAXPAYER SUBSIDIZATION OF BIASED MEDIA; THE WHITE HOUSE, MAY 1, 2025; https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/05/ending-taxpayer-subsidization-of-biased-media/

USA: Trump verbally attacked the media more than 100 times in run-up to election; Reporters Without Borders; November 25, 2024; https://rsf.org/en/usa-trump-verbally-attacked-media-more-100-times-run-election 

100 DAYS OF HOAXES: Cutting Through the Fake News; The White House; April 29, 2025: https://www.whitehouse.gov/articles/2025/04/100-days-of-hoaxes-cutting-through-the-fake-news/

How a Professional Bully Is Winning Control of the Media; Common Dreams; April 25, 2025; https://www.commondreams.org/opinion/trump-controls-media?  

April 29, 2025

Trump is Making Showers Great Again!

Washington (The Loose Nukes): President Donald Trump, in one of his most meaningful executive orders to date, decreed that, “No longer will shower heads be weak and worthless,” the White House said in a news release on Wednesday. "With a stroke of my great big powerful pen, I am officially ending the War on Showers! I'm gonna make shower heads great again," trumpeted Trump.

Thie latest executive order eradicates restrictions on water flow from all shower heads sold in the United Snakes. The order directs Energy Secretary Chris Wright to rescind a definition of shower heads first implemented by President Barack Obama.

This is by no means the first time Trump has attempted to redefine shower heads (or anything else for that matter). He introduced a rule in his first term, dramatically increasing the amount of water that showers could use. In 2017 Trump infamously said, "Look, we have plenty of water in this great nation. Just look at all those Great Lakes; all that water, it's just great, great. We can just pump all that beautiful water all over the country; we just have to beat the Canadians to it. It will the greatest infrastructure project in the history of the world."

At that time Trump was absolutely giddy about reversing any measures put in place by the Obama administration, calling his new shower head rule "my big, beautiful Golden Shower [head]."

It is the second time that Mr. Trump as president has attempted to redefine a shower head. A rule he introduced in his first term drastically increased the amount of water that showers with multiple nozzles could use. The Biden administration later reversed that change.

Regulations.gov

Trump has complained for many years about the ridiculously small amount of water coming out of shower heads. “I like to take a nice shower to take care of my beautiful hair,” President Trump said on Wednesday in the Oval Office. 

“I stand under the shower for 15 minutes until it gets wet. It comes out drip, drip, drip. It’s ridiculous. Even the showers here in The White House don't work. That's just criminal, The White House, can you imagine that, drip, drip, drip, just horrible."

During his first term in the White House, Trump lamented that his showers did not supply enough water for him to achieve his “perfect” hair, part of a campaign against what he described as excessive government regulation.

“So shower heads — you take a shower, the water doesn’t come out,” Mr. Trump once said at a an event touting his business-friendly policies. “You want to wash your hands, the water doesn’t come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair — I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect.”

At a dinner with Republican leaders in 2023, Trump repeated his complaint: “You know I have this gorgeous head of hair — when I take a shower, I want water to pour down on me. When you go into these new homes with showers, the water drips down slowly, slowly.”

Chris Wright, who says he is all in for rolling back any regulation that restricts people's Gog-given right to pump as much water as they can (afford to) pump, was the CEO of Liberty Energy, a fracking company, before taking the post as Energy Secretary. “I am confident that we can reverse the irresponsible policies of the Biden administration and prioritize endless and wasteful use of natural resources. Under his [Wright's] leadership, the DOE will once again support the great American corporation, and allow companies like Nestle to pump all the water they want anywhere they want,” said Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah), who chairs the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, in a statement. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes, Trump really did issue an executive order about... well, yes - SHOWER HEADS. He is definitely on a roll (back) these days. Much of the quotes in this post are real, with a few words changed here and there (just for fun and emphasis). it's so nice to see Trump focusing on so many important issues (like wasting our most precious and life-giving resource). See references below if you don't believe me... Truth is far stranger than fiction these days!

REFERENCES:

1) "MAINTAINING ACCEPTABLE WATER PRESSURE IN SHOWERHEADS"; The White House, April 9, 2025; https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/04/maintaining-acceptable-water-pressure-in-showerheads/

2) "Trump Tackles His Longtime Pet Peeve: Weak Shower Heads"; New York Times; April 10, 2025; https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/10/us/politics/trump-showers-water-pressure.html

3) "The president pushes for more flow from the nation’s shower heads.", New York Times, August 13, 2020; https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/13/us/politics/the-president-pushes-for-more-flow-from-the-nations-shower-heads.html  

4) Senate confirms fracking CEO Chris Wright to lead Energy Department; The Hill; February 03, 2025; https://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/5123956-chris-wright-confirmed-energy-department/

5) "California Authorities Say Nestlé Is Illegally Gulping Up Public Water"; Los Angeles Times, April 26, 202; https://lamag.com/news-and-politics/nestle-water-california-legal-dispute

Trump Declares "WHITE" the official color of the United States

Washington (The Loose Nukes): Earlier today, President Donald Trump signed an executive order declaring “white” to be the official color of the United States of America.

Trump's order directs Federal government agencies to erase all color from documents, images, and anything else that might be disseminated to the public. He also announced new labelling standards to be written and enforced by the newly-formed Department of Labelling.

The order directs that every organization and business must follow the same guidelines as Federal agencies, and to recall all products containing any colors other than white. Any entity that disobeys the executive order will be shuttered, and its assets sold off at auction, the proceeds being transferred to the Department of Government Efficiency.

Crayola LLC, known for its iconic Crayola Crayons, responded immediately to Trump's demands, issuing a set of crayons with only the color white, and with new and government-approved labelling. They recalled all earlier crayons, and retailers have been scrambling to get the products off their shelves to make room for the white crayons.

Countless legal scholars have expressed confusion about the latest executive order, and some have questioned whether it could be interpreted as requiring the removal, or even deportation, of any employees who are not "white". The White House refused to respond to this question, and both Trump and Musk have been surprisingly silent about the topic on social media.

The executive order has raised a new discussion and debate about “color”, and its meaning.

A Washington, D.C.-based designer, specializing in color theory, reflected on the complex physics of color: "Sunlight contains colors at all wavelengths. All these wavelengths together make white light. When that white light hits an object, we perceive that object's color as the colors that reflect from the object. We see a white object when the object reflects color at all wavelengths. As a result, white is the absence of color for how we see the object, but not for the light itself, which contains all colors."

When asked to interpret that explanation for laypeople, he said, “In other words, whiteness cannot exist without all the colors of the Rainbow. This is something Trump will never understand. And, he has no idea of the stupidity of his actions. Next, they will be banning all colored paper and colored ink, and the ultimate result will be that we won't be able to see or read anything because it's all white. But hey, maybe that is what they want.”

Biden: "The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming!!!"

President Biden has been become increasingly frustrated that the American people are not taking him seriously when he warns (every day) that the Russians could invade Ukraine at any moment. To demonstrate how imminent the threat is, The White House is arranging a national virtual screening of the 1966 movie "The Russians are Coming."

Biden said in today's news conference that, "People watch the news every day seeing those Russian tanks driving really fast in the snow thinking, wow that looks so cool; don't they get it? This is real folks; they're ready to go at any moment. They got em surrounded! Bang, Bang; game over! This film will sober them up."

Speaking to the question of whether the film screening is a form of inflammatory, pro-war propaganda, Biden retorted, "Come on! This film gets right to it folks; the Russians have done this before, and they will try again. We've got to be strong against the aggressor. We're just protecting freedom like we always do."

Corporate media outlets' initial response to the Biden administration's request was positive. A spokesperson for NBC who was not yet born when the film was first shown in theaters said, "Wow, this looks like a great documentary; why wasn't it nominated for an Academy Award back in its time?"

A number of white nationalist militia groups have been showing excitement over the film screening. A member of The Proud Boys said, "If you thought January 6th was an opportunity for recruitment and radicalization action, this film could push all that way over the top. This is the ultimate vigilantism at its best; the heroes portrayed in this drama are just everyday Americans like me who love their country just the way it once was."

Since The White House announcement, submarine sightings on both the Pacific and Atlantic coasts, as well as on the Great Lakes, have soared, clogging 911 emergency call centers around the country. 

In Washington State, white vigilantes mistook an OHIO Class "Trident" ballistic missile submarine docked at Naval Base Kitsap Bangor on Hood Canal for a Russian submarine and attempted to board it from their small recreational fishing boat. They were stopped by Naval security personnel well before reaching the vessel. One vigilante, when asked how they could make such a mistake, said, "Heck, all submarines look the same to me. I don't know how we're supposed to tell a Roosky from an American sub."

Check your local Fox Network station for broadcast times for "The Russians Are Coming."

A Little Help for Jeremy Corbin's Nuclear Weapons Policy

The big news out of the United Kingdom these days is that Labour Leader Jeremy Corbin, the person who one day could have his finger poised over the little (or maybe it's big) red nuclear button, has stated unequivocably that he would never push the button [that would send the message to Trident submarine crews to launch their Trident II D-5 missiles bristling with really nasty thermonuclear warheads that would bring about the end of tourism in whatever part of the world those missiles land].

However, there is just one slight problem with Corbin's position. On a recent BBC news program, panelists reminded us that "if Corbin becomes Prime Minister but the party decides to keep Trident, it will be tricky, because there is no point in having a nuclear deterrent unless you're willing to use that crucial element of bluff, and Jeremy Corbin doesn't seem like the kind that can" (bluff that is) - he's no poker player.

Well, one of the panelists on the BBC show The News Quiz has come up with a brilliant solution. Andy Hamilton says, "If we don't have nuclear weapons, but pretend that we do... we could still have a red button... It wouldn't be hard; we'd build missiles out of cardboard or recycled plastic or whatever... so they show up on... satellite photos; mysterious convoys going up and down; fake the occasional accident; fence off Wales..."

Of course, this is not necessarily an altogether original idea. The North Koreans are geniuses when it comes to clever uses for cardboard (and other cheap materials made in forced labor camps). Just look at how the world pays attention when fearless leader Kim Jong-un thumps his chest and crows about his latest nuclear feat.

A North Korean prototype.

So there you go! We just "scrap Trident but don't tell anyone it's been scrapped. Brilliant!!!

Rather than wasting billions of pounds (or in the case of the United States roughly a hundred billion dollars; $1,000,000,000 Billion) for a Trident replacement, we could simply pretend to have built a replacement.

Since the official policy of the US (and I'm sure it's the same for the UK) is to "neither confirm nor deny the presence of nuclear weapons," what's the difference?

Hey, it works for North Korea!

Just think of the savings. The big question is, can we trust the government (either one) to put the money to good use? After all, they decided to build these useless nuclear weapon systems in the first place. But that's another discussion for another day...

At any rate, I think Hamilton might be on to something here... Have a listen at The News Quiz.

Editor's Note: There really is no nuclear button for the President or Prime Minister to push; it's much more complicated than that - phew!

John Oliver Speaks on Weapons of Mass Insanity

HBO's John Oliver summed up nuclear weapons the other night in one sentence:  “nuclear weapons are basically like America’s T-rex arms, they’re essentially useless.” So there you go!!!

He also says that the public "does not give enough of a sh*t" about nuclear weapons. Of course, in the U.S. we spend most of our time arguing about the really important issues... like gay marriage, a woman's right to control her contraceptive destiny, and a host of really important things that could really bring about the end of the world!!! 

You simply must watch this video of Oliver laying bare how bloody lucky we are to have survived the last nearly 70 years, how stupid we must be to continue to rely on nuclear weapons, and why we simply must get rid of every last one of these omnicidal weapons!!! Simply brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CND in historic U-turn on nuclear weapons

Editor's Note:  This historic news just in from the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament!!!

Press Office: 07968 420 859 - Switchboard: 020 7700 2393 - E-mail: pressoffice@cnduk.org
Monday, 31 March 2014 - Attn: News desks / Defence / Political correspondents
Embargoed: 00.01 Tuesday 1 April

CND in historic U-turn on nuclear weapons

56 years after the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament was launched by luminaries including JB Priestly and Bertrand Russell, the organisation has finally given its backing to nuclear weapons.

‘We backed the wrong horse,’ said CND’s General Secretary Kate Hudson, in a dramatic U-turn from the organisation’s founding objectives.

‘We should have known that humanity’s penchant for self-destruction would lead inexorably to global nuclear proliferation. And from now on, that’s where our money is going to be put.’

New CNA logo

‘We now wholeheartedly endorse the Government’s assessment that £100bn is better spent on a new generation of weapons of mass destruction than on healthcare, education or green energy.’

‘We also vehemently reject the strategic objections to Trident replacement: we’ve had it up to here with ex-Generals and defence analysts who say nuclear weapons are an obsolete Cold War relic, and that Trident spending is hollowing out the UK’s military.’

‘That’s why from today we’re rebranding as the Campaign for Nuclear Armament. We’ll be ditching the iconic CND symbol – inverting it to create an encircled trident. We look forward to developing a robust and enduring relationship with the Government on this controversial public spending issue as we head into the next election.’

- ends -

Yes, this is an April Fools' joke. Of course nuclear weapons are monstrous and we'll continue to campaign against them. :)

For further information and interviews please contact Luke Massey, CND's Press & Communications Officer on 020 7700 2350 or 07968 420 859.

Orcas go ballistic over Sochi; vow nonviolent response

In a possible bid to increase the money made during the Winter Olympics, Sochi’s Aquatoria is said to be ready to receive two wild orcas–or killer whales, as they are often called–which were captured specifically for the aquarium., and Puget Sound Orcas are fighting mad!!!

While whaling, which kills some of the largest marine animals in Earth’s big oceans, is illegal in most of the world, capturing these animals in the wild is not something that many countries have addressed. A pair of wild orcas were apparently officially sought by the Aquatoria, and were captured by whalers in ocean waters just a bit north of Japan.

A resident Orca pod in Washington State's Puget Sound received word of the capture via Ocean Telegraph and went ballistic.  Speaking to news media from Friday Harbor, San Juan Island, Washington, "L3", a member of the resident "L" pod said, "This is absolutely wrong, both legally and morally speaking. Orcas have every right to roam freely without risk of capture and incarceration. We are highly evolved, intelligent creatures.  Based on our long-term observations of humans' disastrous impact on our planet, it is highly questionable whether they [humans] exhibit any intelligence at all."

Orcas in their native habitat (where they belong)

L3 also said that although this "orcanapping" was an inherently violent act, Orcas do not condone a violent response.  "We are often given a 'bad rap' for the rare attack on a trainer, although orcas are not violent creatures. Of course we're wild, and it's hard being cooped up in a tiny tank and having humans pretend they are so smart."

Officials at the Aquatoria have officially confirmed that at least one orca is on its way to Sochi in time for the Olympics. The news was posted by the Russian Orca team, whose leaders consist of Erich Hoyt, a top level researcher at the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society, and Alexander Burdin, the leader of the Laboratory of Animal Ecology at the Kamchatka Institute of Ecology and Nature Management.

According to a written statement made by the Aquatoria officials, a single orca was legally captured and taken to a base that is specially equipped to adapt the orca to captivity. The orca will later be brought to Sochi in time for the Winter Games.

Since the statement was released, public outcry has been intense. Advocates of whale protection have created an online petition asking Russia not to show the captured wild orcas during the Sochi Winter Olympics. It currently has nearly 110,000 signatures, and mentions that placing orcas in an aquarium causes suffering.

Paul Spong, the founder of the whale research station OrcaLab near Vancouver Island, agrees, adding that aside from unusual exceptions, the lives of captive orcas are much shorter than those of their ocean-dwelling relatives. He also mentioned how the spirit of the Olympics would be violated by such a display, saying that the Olympics are supposed to be demonstrating the best that humans can be, and that the capture and exhibition of wild orcas is not showing humanity at its finest. Others believe that capturing and holding an orca in a small tank is animal abuse and can put a great strain on the beloved orcas.

There has been no word from the Aquatoria since the public condemnation began, or if the orcas will still be displayed. Because the creatures are not part of any official Olympic event, it is unlikely that Olympic officials will be able to do much to dissuade the aquarium if they do decide to display the orcas.

Meanwhile, the Puget Sound Orcas continue their work to free the Sochi captives. They have called for a total mammalian boycott of the Sochi Olympics until the Orcas are returned to the sea.  While some have called on the captive orcas to attack their captors, the consensus among the resident orca pods has been to practice active nonviolent resistance.  According to the orca representative speaking in Friday Harbor this approach, made famous by notable historical figures such as Martin Luther King Jr, Mahatma Ghandi and Jesus, is seldom employed by governments, particularly Russia and the US.

Captive orcas have caused serious problems even after being stuck in the tanks. The famous and deadly incident at Sea World in 2010 had an orca killing its trainer, with the belief being that the whale in question was bored, isolated, sensory deprived and bred too often. Other orcas have also attacked their trainers, also. The documentary Blackfish asked the question whether dolphins and whales should be kept captive at all. If these wild orcas were captured solely for the purpose of being on display during the Sochi Winter Olympics, it will likely be up to the patrons of the games to support or boycott such an exhibition.

###

Editor's Note: Thanks to the following source for the real news that was butchered to create this post:  http://guardianlv.com/2014/01/sochi-winter-olympics-captures-wild-orcas/

NSA Fall Festival: Mark your calendars!

Hey Everyone!  Mark your calendars (see the poster below) well in advance to join us at the National Security Agency (NSA) headquarters for the annual NSA Fall Festival.  It's a great opportunity for everyday people just like you and me to get up close and (not quite too) personal with the NSA.

Of course, you won't learn anything about how the NSA really works; heck, that's an extremely closely guarded secret... well, sort of (no thanks to that Ed Snowden guy).  But hey; it's a time to have fun, and all at great taxpayer expense.  After all; you the taxpayers are paying through the nose so that we can continue our unabated, endless spying on just about everyone on the planet. So what's a little more $$$ on some good, old-fashioned fun.

This is one for the entire family, even the family dog.  In fact, there will be a special booth where NSA employees will embed your family pooch with a free teeny weeny microchip that will allow the NSA to listen in on your family's activities with even greater ease than we do now. The chip also helps you keep track of your pet's wanderings.

There will be plenty of parking, so there is no need for carpooling.  In fact, we advise against it. NSA employees, or more likely private contractors, will be placing secret monitoring/tracking devices on every automobile at the Fall Festival.

An additional free bonus for everyone who attends will be an automatic retinal scan as you enter the Festival area.  It's just one more reason we're building a brand new huge data storage facility in Utah that can actually store yottabytes of data.  Geez!!! Even most folks at the NSA have a hard time fathoming such large numbers.

And kids; you will have the opportunity to learn more about an exciting and profitable (if you choose to work for one of the scores of private contractors doing security work for our nation) career in mass surveillance the protection of our global interests nation.

Tell your family, friends and co-workers. Everyone's welcome to this event.  Check the NSA Website for more details. See you in September!

NSA - Defending Our Nation: Securing The Future

Trident Makes Bad People Go Away!

The following graphic was issued this week by the United States Navy, Commander, Submarine Forces in an effort to help members of Congress better understand the rationale for building a new fleet of ballistic missile submarines to replace the current Trident fleet.

The Trident II D-5 missiles deployed on the nation's 14 OHIO Class submarines carry multiple thermonuclear warheads, each one many times the destructive force of the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  Rear Adm. Joesph Tofalo has said that, “A single Trident submarine is the sixth largest nuclear nation in the world all by itself."

Carrying enough nuclear warheads to incinerate an entire continent, Trident is certainly an important tool in our nation's military tool box, and it most certainly can make lots of people "go away" in a flash.

The successor to the OHIO Class submarine fleet is known as the SSBN(X), and is currently in research and development.  A fleet of 12 new submarines will cost approximately $100 billion to build.

NSA Eavesdropping on GOD!!!

The National Security Agency is denying a report that it eavesdropped on the Pope, in addition to telephone prayer lines of a number of other religious denominations.

Before the Italian magazine, Panorama, published the report, it issued a press release that read "NSA had tapped the pope,"according to Reuters. The eavesdropping was on calls from inside and outside the Vatican and reportedly spanned a few weeks from December 10, 2012 to January 8, 2013. Additional calls to prayer lines of various denominations were also reportedly tapped.

"The National Security Agency does not target the Vatican or God."

- NSA spokeswoman

The calls were reportedly categorized in five groups: leadership intentions, threats to the financial system, foreign policy objectives, human rights and conversations with God. The magazine did not cite any sources in its report.

In addition to the eavesdropping on the Vatican, the NSA is alleged to have tapped the phone lines of various prayer lines to obtain information on people's conversations with God.

One of the largest prayer line operations is the 700 Club Prayer Centers, which receives over four million calls each year and provides a direct connection to God.  700 Club's Pat Robertson was disturbed by the spying revelations, and voiced his concern that the government is "disturbing the separation of church and state."

Pat Robertson

An NSA spokeswoman, denied the report, including the allegations of spying on God.

"The National Security Agency does not target the Vatican or God", she said in an email to The Los Angeles Times. "Assertions that NSA has targeted the Vatican, published in Italy's Panorama magazine, are not true."

The NSA’s post-Sept. 11 surveillance programs are coming under increased criticism at home and abroad, capped by recent revelations that the NSA monitored German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone and those of up to 34 other world leaders. Those reports relied on documents provided by former NSA analyst Edward Snowden.

Documents released by Snowden have not yet produced any revelations of the NSA's spying on God, but according to some sources there are many yet to be released.

Congressional leaders who have been staunch supporters of the NSA programs are now saying it is time for a close examination. Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, said, "We live in a Christian nation.  God has Constitutional rights too you know. Enough is enough with this out of control wiretapping."

GOD

Sarah Palin, who has been crisscrossing the country touting her new book about the "war on Christmas", said that she was shocked, but not surprised, about the NSA's spying on God.  "Next thing you know they'll be spying on Santa Claus.  We need to put good old Christian values like prayer and Christmas trees back into our government," said Palin.

The White House said Tuesday that President Barack Obama had ordered a full review of the programs and was considering changes.

National Intelligence Director James Clapper defended the secret surveillance that sweeps up phone records and emails of millions of Americans as vital to protecting against terrorists. Clapper had no comment on God.

God had no comment on Clapper, or the wiretapping issue.

###

Editor's Note:  OK, so some of this is true and some is not.  What difference does it make???

National Security or National Stupidity???

Whaddya mean, lost my sense of humor???
I just want these crooks to give
my damn country back!!!

Here's the latest from the National Security State continues to run amok department!!! It's a story of people (and agencies of the Federal Government) that have totally lost their sense of humor (assuming they ever had one), and therefore have to make everyone else's life as miserable as theirs.  I think it's safe to say that the Republic is in extreme danger when Uncle Sam loses his sense of humor.  Humorists beware; the re-education camps beckon!!!  This is one slippery slope - today some small-time t-shirt shop; tomorrow The Onion!!!

But really folks... the American Empire has been in decline since the end of World War II, and yet continues to hold on even as its share of the world continues to dwindle.  And so we see the desperate measures being taken at all levels to maintain the illusion of power.  Yes, the following story is very real... from Edward Snowden to parody of NSA and Homeland Stupidity Security - CITIZENS BEWARE!!! Big Brother is watching EVERYTHING and then some.  Ain't it grand???

And don't forget that the holiday shopping season is just around the corner.  Get a head start and order Disappearing Civil Liberties Mugs for everyone on your list this year.  It's one-stop shopping that will remind everyone of those precious freedoms that are being flushed down the drain with your hard-earned tax dollars.  So here's the news:

U.S. Bullies Man over “Department of Homeland Stupidity” Mugs

Published in the Corruption Chronicles, the Judicial Watch Blog

October 31, 2013

The feds have threatened to criminally prosecute a novelty store owner who sells products—such as “Department of Homeland Stupidity” coffee mugs—making fun of the U.S. government. Could this be a matter of national security, or that Uncle Sam simply lacks a sense of humor?

To poke fun at the National Security Administration (NSA) the merchant, Dan McCall, sells T-shirts with the agency’s official seal that read: “The NSA: The only part of government that actually listens.” Other parodies say “spying on you since 1952” and “peeping while you’re sleeping.” The designs may seem funny—and possibly represent reality—but to the government it’s no laughing matter. In fact, it’s a serious issue worthy of an investigation and legal action.

The NSA and the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) quickly fired off “cease and desist” letters to the website that sold the products, threatening litigation and criminal prosecution if the parody designs weren’t immediately removed. The agencies claim the parody images violate laws against the misuse, mutilation, alteration or impersonation of government seals. The intimidating communication scared the website enough to remove the items, but McCall isn’t going down without a fight.

In a federal complaint filed this week he claims the government is violating his First Amendment right because the special statutes protecting the NSA and DHS seals from misuse can’t properly be applied to forbid parodies. McCall says his images make fair use of the NSA and DHS seals to “identify federal government agencies as the subject of criticism.” Therefore it’s unconstitutional for the government to forbid him from displaying and selling his parodies to “customers who want to display the items to express their own criticism of NSA and DHS,” according to his complaint.

Furthermore, McCall is not mutilating or altering the agency seals, but rather using them in a parodic form that doesn’t create any likelihood of confusion about the source or sponsorship of the material. No reasonable viewer is likely to believe that any of the materials is affiliated with or sponsored by the DHS or the NSA, the complaint says. “Nor were the seals affixed to the items to be sold with any fraudulent intent.”

In short, the merchant claims that the First Amendment protects his use of the NSA and DHS seals to identify truthfully the agencies that he is criticizing. The two agencies at the center of this brouhaha most certainly have bigger fish to fry. So does the Department of Justice (DOJ), the agency that has threatened to prosecute the mug and T-shirt creator.

Pizza delivery blamed for nuclear safety violations

US Air Force officers entrusted with the launch keys to long-range nuclear missiles have been caught twice this year leaving open a blast door that is intended to help prevent a terrorist or other intruder from entering their underground command post, Air Force officials said.

The blast doors are never to be left open if one of the crew members inside is asleep – as was the case in both these instances – out of concern for the trouble an intruder could cause, including the compromising of secret launch codes.

An investigative report by the Associated Press found that the most recent violations involving the blast doors were caused by the chronic cravings of launch control crews for delivery pizza.  A launch control officer who wished to remain anonymous told AP that Domino's Pizza, which has a contract with Global Strike Command as its sole pizza supplier, requires that the blast doors remain open whenever an order is called in so that the company can fulfill its "30-minutes or it's free" guarantee.

The blast door violations are another sign of trouble in the handling of the nation's nuclear arsenal. The AP has discovered a series of problems within the ICBM force, including a failed safety inspection, the temporary sidelining of launch officers deemed unfit for duty and the abrupt firing last week of the two-star general in charge. They also discovered that delivery personnel for Domino's Pizza, the official pizza supplier for the Global Strike Command, are not required to receive security clearances prior to entering the top-security launch complexes.

The problems, including low morale, underscore the challenges of feeding personnel and keeping safe such a deadly force that is constantly on alert but is unlikely ever to be used.

The willingness of some launch officers to leave the blast door open at times reflects a mindset far removed from Cold War days when the US lived in fear of a nuclear strike by the Soviet Union. It was that fear that provided the original rationale for placing ICBMs in reinforced underground silos and the launch control officers in buried capsules – so that in the event of an attack the officers might survive to launch a counterattack.

Today the fear of such an attack has all but disappeared and, with it, the appeal of strictly following the blast door rule.  

The crews who operate the missiles are still expected to follow rules without fail, including the prohibition against having the blast door open when only one crew member is awake or when expecting a pizza delivery.

An unnamed missileer told AP that launch control officers often order multiple pizzas at a time and freeze them for later consumption in the event of a nuclear war after which they would be stuck underground for an indefinite time period.  The officer said that, "There's nothing more comforting than the aroma of re-heated pizza after Armageddon."

A spokesperson for Global Strike Command said that the agency is reconsidering its relationship with Domino's, and is considering changing suppliers to Papa Murphy's Take 'N' Bake Pizza in order to avoid the problem with blast doors.

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Editor's Postscript: Material that was plagiarized and embellished in this post was stolen from an article in The Guardian (http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/23/us-air-force-nuclear-missiles-blast-door).

Congress still working out... even though they aren't working

Despite the U.S. Government shutdown's thousands of closings, curtailments and furloughed employees, the members-only House of Representatives gym or "wellness center"- complete with pool, sauna, steam, basketball and paddleball courts, TVs and associated cleaning and maintenance costs - has stayed open, reportedly on direct orders from John Boehner, who (of course) caused the shutdown in the first place.

House Republicans applaud Boehner for keeping the gym open.

The Senate gym is evidently still open as well, though the gym for lowly staffers is closed.

And most legislators, minus about 130, are still getting paid (for doing nothing of any value).

Meanwhile, Democrats are busy crafting legislation known as the SPA Act (Shutdown Prioritization Act). This bill would prohibit the Architect of the Capitol from operating the Member gym during a government shutdown.

Tuesday evening, Reps. Bill Foster (D-Ill.) and Patrick E. Murphy (D-Fla.) sent an email with the subject "Tell Speaker Boehner: No Government, No Congressional Spa" to Democratic legislative directors.

The email was intercepted by House Republicans.  An angry Boehner responded, "Don't mess with my gym. If the Democrats bring the SPA Act to the floor I will personally see to it that this shutdown goes into overtime!"

The shutdown has furloughed roughly 800,000 federal employees, cut back Head Start and workplace safety, and denied death benefits and burial expenses to the families of four soldiers killed this weekend in Afghanistan.  On the positive side, the Utah National Guard is thrilled to be getting its new $47,174 mechanical bull on Monday, as previously ordered, to help attract recruits at fairs.

When all is said and done - whatever it is that gets done in a place like Washed Up Deceit - We the People can be thankful that our elected officials are taking such good care of THEMSELVES?!?!?!

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Editor's Note: Thanks to Abby Zimmet at CommonDreams.org for being on top of this major news item(http://www.commondreams.org/further/2013/10/08-0) Other source: http://www.nbcwashington.com/investigations/House-Gym-Remains-Open-Despite-Shutdown-226972671.html.

Twinkies' shelf-life nearly doubles!

The US Department of Homeland Security has teamed up with the new owners of Hostess Brands to increase the shelf-life of Twinkies snack cakes.

With ever-increasing concerns about the inability of government agencies to assist survivors in certain catastrophic disaster scenarios for weeks or longer, Homeland Security turned to the makers of the beloved snack food for help.

The cream-filled Twinkies many Americans grew up snacking during the Cold War made a comeback after being off shelves for nearly nine months following the bankruptcy of Hostess Brands.

According to the new owners, those spongy yellow cakes taste remarkably like the original.  The package lists a whopping 25 ingredients, and the new Twinkies have a shelf-life of 45 days, nearly three weeks longer than the 26 day shelf-life just a year ago.

With the increased shelf-life, Homeland Security has added Twinkies to its official list of supplies approved for home fallout shelters.

When asked to comment, Daren Metropoulos, principal of Metropoulos & Co., one of the two companies that bought the rights to Twinkies from the bankrupt Hostess Brands earlier this year, said he was pleased with the government's endorsement of his company's product.

He added that researchers in the company's product development laboratory are currently working to increase the Twinkies' shelf life even longer - up to six months.  "Who knows," Metropoulos mused, "in a full-scale nuclear war people will be stuck in those bomb shelters for a long time. They're going to need comfort food"

HOW TO SURVIVE NUCLEAR WAR - Yeah, right!!!

Hey Kids!!!  Doctor Nuke here, telling you that nuclear war isn't nearly as bad as people have been telling you.  Why, back in the 1960s they had a pretty good idea of how to survive such a calamity (assuming you weren't incinerated, irradiated or blown to bits by the initial blast).

Our government spent a great deal of time, energy and money helping citizens prepare.  Heck, the government was so well prepared it even had a plan to deliver the mail and collect taxes (so it could prepare for the next war).

Well, with all the brouhaha about all those nuclear weapons still out there ready to start the Big One... (and don't forget what would happen if those pesky terrorists get their hands on one of those bad boys), we should all be prepared for the inevitable (it's just a matter of time you know).

Well, here's the definitive video to tell you everything you need to know to survive Armageddon.  This Civil Defense educational film is as informative (and useful) today as it was in 1965.  Check out How to Survive Nuclear War: Radioactive Fallout and Shelter... and don't forget to duck and cover!!!

Rogue Seals takes over Trident sub

Silverdale, Washington  A rogue Seal team breached security at a Trident nuclear submarine base in Washington State.

In an unannounced exercise rogue Seals took over the USS Nevada SSBN 733, a Trident ballistic missile submarine, while tied up to the pier at the Bangor Trident submarine base at Silverdale, Washington in the early morning hours on January 22nd.

According to Navy officials the takeover was short lived. The Seals were quickly driven topside and off the ship by quick acting members of the ship's security detail.

Photo: Courtesy of U.S. Navy

In preparation for the exercise the Seals studied the 2009 incursion by the Disarm Now Plowshares, a group of elderly peace activists who breached multiple levels of security at the sub base and nuclear weapons storage depot before being captured by base security personnel.  The five members of the Plowshares action made it through the final security fence into the nuclear weapons storage bunker area of the Strategic Weapons Facility, Pacific (SWFPAC) before being detected.

The seals went undetected by the Marine Mammal Base Protection Detail that was patrolling Hood Canal at the time of the incursion.  Members of the detail were questioned about their whereabouts during the incursion, and all denied having been drinking on the job.  They were, however, observed feasting on shrimp earlier in the morning by fishermen working nearby.  They also denied any prior contact with the rogue seal team.  

Rogue Seal in custody (Navy file photo)

A Navy spokesperson said that although this was a serious breech of security, at no time were the nuclear weapons on board the submarine in any danger.  He also stated that they would undertake a full investigation to determine where security can be improved.  

The spokesperson denied that the Navy was considering consulting with any of the members of the Disarm Now Plowshares regarding security improvements on the base.

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Editor's Note:  Thanks to comic co-conspirator Shelley Douglass for giving me this idea AND for much of the content!  The Navy actually has a Swimmer Interdiction System staffed by ever capable marine mammals (dolphins and sea lions) to apprehend any pesky terrorists who might try to swim undetected to do some sort of mischief to our nation's Strategic Nuclear Deterrent. 

Organic Plutonium: Get it while it's HOT!

If you've had problems sourcing organic Plutonium lately, have no fear.  There might still be some cans left on the shelves at The Black Hole, Los Alamos, New Mexico.  Granted, now that The Black Hole's proprietor, Ed Grothus, is no longer with us - rest in peace Ed - many of Ed's signature items are hard to come by.

The 8 ounce size Organic Plutonium was always a HOT item.  People from many countries, including Iran, North Korea, Myanmar, Israel and Brazil used to come asking for Ed's signature Organic Plutonium.

Organic Plutonium is fat free, wheat free, dairy free, GMO free, zero calories, vegan, no artificial colors or flavors, AND no sugar added.  Hmmmm Good!!!  And HOT!!!  What's more, it contains 14.0726918 nutritious Curies of radiation.  Yum!

 

Don't see a "use by" date on the can?  No worries!  The Plutonium 239, just like the stuff used in those thermonuclear warheads, has a half life of 24,000 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It will keep forever.  Now that's shelf life! 

Note to people with nut allergies: This product is made in facilities run by a bunch of nuts.

For Christmas, 1996, Ed sent a can marked ORGANIC PLUTONIUM to then-President Clinton. “In his letter to the President, Ed said ‘If you eat this, you’ll walk with a halo’,” says Ed. “‘If you feed some to Socks [Clinton's cat], the cat’ll walk with a halo.’” The Secret Service was not amused, and — as Ed commemorates in a newspaper clipping he proudly displayed near his front desk — they showed up to “see if there was any insanity in my family.”

Those of us who work in the nuclear weapons abolition business know where the real nuts are!!!

Wondering whether Organic Plutonium is safe for human consumption???  Don't worry!  The U.S. government began testing Plutonium on human subjects in 1945, and continued its testing into the 1970s.  From pregnant women to developmentally disabled children, the government tested Plutonium on a wide range of subjects.  That's our tax dollars hard at work!?!?!?

So stock up on some Organic Plutonium today.  There just might be a few cans left if the folks from the Nunn-Lugar Cooperative Threat Reduction (CTR) Program didn't get there first.

Be sure to check Groupon.com for a coupon good for 20 percent off your first can.

Office of Homeland Security Cancels Christmas

Ellis Island -   Three wise men were arrested today attempting to illegally enter the United States.
The Iraqi nationals were carrying massive amounts of flammable substances known as "frankincense" and "myrrh." While not explosives themselves, experts revealed that these two substances could be used as a fuse to detonate a larger bomb. The three alleged terrorists were also carrying gold, presumably to finance the rest of their mission.

Also implicated in the plot were two Palestinians named Joseph and Mary. An anonymous source close to the family overheard Mary bragging that her son would "bring down the mighty from their thrones and lift up the lowly." In what appears to be a call to anarchy, the couple claims their son will someday "help prisoners escape captivity."

"These people match our terrorist profile perfectly," an official source reported.

All of the suspects claimed they heard angels singing of a new era of hope for the afflicted and poor. As one Wall Street official put it, "These one-world wackos are talking about overturning the entire economic and political hierarchy that holds the civilized world together. I don't care what some angel sang; God wants the status quo - by definition."  

A somber White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that it might be prudent to cancel (or at least postpone) Christmas until others in the plot are rounded up. "I assure you that this measure is temporary. The president loves Christmas as much as anyone. People can still shop and give expensive gifts, but we're asking them not to think about world peace until after we have rid the world of all the evil people. For Americans to sing, 'Peace on earth, good will to all,' is just the wrong message to send to our enemies at this time."

The strongest opponents of the Christmas ban were the representatives of retail stores, movie chains and makers of porcelain Christmas figurines. "This is a tempest in a teapot," fumed one unnamed business owner. "No one thinks of the political meaning of Christmas any more. Christmas isn't about a savior who will bring hope to the outcasts of the world; it's about nativity scenes and beautiful lights. History has shown that mature people are perfectly capable of singing hymns about world peace while still supporting whatever war our leaders deem necessary. People long ago stopped tying religion to the real events in the world."

There has been no word on where the suspects are being kept, or when their trial might be held. Authorities are asking citizens who see other foreigners resembling nativity scene figures to contact the Office of Homeland Security.

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Editor's Note: Many thanks to the Rev. Jim Rigby for this wildly creative piece written for a previous Christmas (and of course we tell the Christmas Story year after year after year...).  Jim is pastor of St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church in Austin, TX, and a longtime activist in movements concerned with gender, racial, and economic justice. 

Click here for Jim's article in CommonDreams.org one year ago that provides the context for the literary piece used in this blog post.

You can read some of Jim's other writings at the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jim-rigby 

This Christmas: Your Adventure, Your Way!!!

Hey Moms and Dads!!!  Are you frantically looking for last minute gifts to stuff those stockings (with care)???  Well, look no further.

Here's a gift that's sure to please (everyone but the recipients of the Hellfire missiles on the real thing). This teeny weeny Predator Drone will fit nicely in any of today's Ultra stretch Super sized Christmas Stockings.

Get yours today; they're disappearing off store shelves fast!!! 

Your child (or children; heck, get one for everybody) will squeal with joy at the site of this small scale model killing machine. Yes - It's "Your Adventure, Your Way." Just as the U.S. gets its way just about everywhere in the world (and where it doesn't it institutes "regime change") your child can have his or her (girls can pilot drones too) way. One can never be too young to learn the important lessons of Empire.

 

After all; that's what Christmas is all about - that cool story about Herod (and the empire over which he ruled), who saw the baby Jesus as a threat and wanted to murder him.  And along the way he murdered his father-in-law, several of his ten wives and two of his sons.  And if that wasn't enough, after being outwitted by those three wise men Herod ordered the slaughter of all boys two years old and younger in Bethlehem and its environs.  Phew!!!  Is this a story of unbridled ambition, fear, hatred and more???  What a reality show this would have been!

 

Herod ignored the laws of God to suit himself and chose the favor of Rome over his own people (I know; this is sounding really familiar).  But hey - he was a skilled politician who knew how to get things done (to keep Rome at the top of the heap).  Wow, does this story sound familiar???

 

Oh yeah, please excuse the impromptu history lesson.  The point is that kids are never too young to be indoctrinated learn.  As for the warning on the package that the Predator Drone is suitable for "ages 3+", I'll leave that decision up to you parents.

 

Peace on Earth (at least our little part of it).

 

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Editor's Note: But really folks, isn't it time to ditch the drones???  Are there not alternatives to violence and killing (in the name of National Security, Homeland Security, War on Terror)???  Is there not another way, and didn't the very person who is central to the Christmas story show us that way???  Isn't nonviolence the only way for those who claim to be Christians???

 

Drones are but one (major) manifestation of the violence that is becoming so deeply rooted in our society.  We must begin to plant seeds of nonviolence and nurture them to build a nonviolent society (and world).  Now is the time to begin, and drones are a concrete issue that we must address.

 

Please look up Drones Watch, a national coalition campaign to monitor and regulate drone use.  There you can learn more about drones and take action for positive change.  It's all about the world in which we want to live - one at genuine peace with justice, or one of perpetual war.