PITY THE NATION!

 

EDITOR'S INTRODUCTORY NOTE: We interrupt our irregularly scheduled satire to bring you this prophetic poem by the late Lawrence Ferlinghetti, which (for me) captures the grave moment in which we all live...

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“PITY THE NATION”

By Lawrence Ferlinghetti (After Khalil Gibran) 2007

Pity the nation whose people are sheep
And whose shepherds mislead them

Pity the nation whose leaders are liars
Whose sages are silenced
And whose bigots haunt the airwaves

Pity the nation that raises not its voice
Except to praise conquerors
And acclaim the bully as hero
And aims to rule the world
By force and by torture

Pity the nation that knows
No other language but its own
And no other culture but its own

Pity the nation whose breath is money
And sleeps the sleep of the too well fed

Pity the nation oh pity the people
who allow their rights to erode
and their freedoms to be washed away

My country, tears of thee
Sweet land of liberty!

Trump Executive Order Says "You're Outa Here Big Bird!"

Washington (The Loose Nukes): In what may be his most sweeping executive order yet affecting Freedom of the Press, President Donald Trump has decreed that Fox News will be the only media organization recognized by The White House. 

Trump said it was a pretty tough decision, but concluded that even though Fox has occasionally questioned his decisions, "for the most part they've been pretty good. "I have an ability... I don't watch the lefty fake news networks like NBC anymore. They're as bad as CNN. And you gotta love Fox & Friends... they've got that Ainsley Airhardt; oh, she's a looker, I gotta tell you. It's my favorite show on TV.

The order states that all funds saved by the implementation of his executive order "ENDING TAXPAYER SUBSIDIZATION OF BIASED MEDIA", which revokes all funding currently being received by National Public Radio (NPR) and the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS), will be distributed to Fox News, which is well known for its "fair, accurate, unbiased, and nonpartisan news coverage."

Finally, the order allows the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to revoke the broadcast license of any television station if the president becomes displeased with their coverage. 

“We don’t have a Free and Fair ‘Press’ in this Country anymore,” Trump wrote in a recent post. “We have a Press that writes BAD STORIES, and CHEATS, BIG, ON POLLS. IT IS COMPROMISED AND CORRUPT. SAD!

Although not explicitly stated in the executive order, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that Fox News personnel will be assigned the entire first two rows in the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room, traditionally reserved for the most prominent news organizations.

In response to a question by a Washington Post reporter about what it will take for reporters to earn the President's respect, Leavitt retorted that "if media outlets don't bend the knee"... "they will lose big time. Any more questions?"

END NOTE: OK, so the executive order doesn't go quite as far as this fake story would have you believe - that is if you believe much of what you read on the internet - but it is not so far off when you consider how far the U.S. is sliding down the slippery slope into the fascist abyss. Beware my friends... remember that old saying: "First they came for Big Bird..."

REFERENCES

Executive Order: ENDING TAXPAYER SUBSIDIZATION OF BIASED MEDIA; THE WHITE HOUSE, MAY 1, 2025; https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/05/ending-taxpayer-subsidization-of-biased-media/

USA: Trump verbally attacked the media more than 100 times in run-up to election; Reporters Without Borders; November 25, 2024; https://rsf.org/en/usa-trump-verbally-attacked-media-more-100-times-run-election 

100 DAYS OF HOAXES: Cutting Through the Fake News; The White House; April 29, 2025: https://www.whitehouse.gov/articles/2025/04/100-days-of-hoaxes-cutting-through-the-fake-news/

How a Professional Bully Is Winning Control of the Media; Common Dreams; April 25, 2025; https://www.commondreams.org/opinion/trump-controls-media?  

April 29, 2025

Trump is Making Showers Great Again!

Washington (The Loose Nukes): President Donald Trump, in one of his most meaningful executive orders to date, decreed that, “No longer will shower heads be weak and worthless,” the White House said in a news release on Wednesday. "With a stroke of my great big powerful pen, I am officially ending the War on Showers! I'm gonna make shower heads great again," trumpeted Trump.

Thie latest executive order eradicates restrictions on water flow from all shower heads sold in the United Snakes. The order directs Energy Secretary Chris Wright to rescind a definition of shower heads first implemented by President Barack Obama.

This is by no means the first time Trump has attempted to redefine shower heads (or anything else for that matter). He introduced a rule in his first term, dramatically increasing the amount of water that showers could use. In 2017 Trump infamously said, "Look, we have plenty of water in this great nation. Just look at all those Great Lakes; all that water, it's just great, great. We can just pump all that beautiful water all over the country; we just have to beat the Canadians to it. It will the greatest infrastructure project in the history of the world."

At that time Trump was absolutely giddy about reversing any measures put in place by the Obama administration, calling his new shower head rule "my big, beautiful Golden Shower [head]."

It is the second time that Mr. Trump as president has attempted to redefine a shower head. A rule he introduced in his first term drastically increased the amount of water that showers with multiple nozzles could use. The Biden administration later reversed that change.

Regulations.gov

Trump has complained for many years about the ridiculously small amount of water coming out of shower heads. “I like to take a nice shower to take care of my beautiful hair,” President Trump said on Wednesday in the Oval Office. 

“I stand under the shower for 15 minutes until it gets wet. It comes out drip, drip, drip. It’s ridiculous. Even the showers here in The White House don't work. That's just criminal, The White House, can you imagine that, drip, drip, drip, just horrible."

During his first term in the White House, Trump lamented that his showers did not supply enough water for him to achieve his “perfect” hair, part of a campaign against what he described as excessive government regulation.

“So shower heads — you take a shower, the water doesn’t come out,” Mr. Trump once said at a an event touting his business-friendly policies. “You want to wash your hands, the water doesn’t come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair — I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect.”

At a dinner with Republican leaders in 2023, Trump repeated his complaint: “You know I have this gorgeous head of hair — when I take a shower, I want water to pour down on me. When you go into these new homes with showers, the water drips down slowly, slowly.”

Chris Wright, who says he is all in for rolling back any regulation that restricts people's Gog-given right to pump as much water as they can (afford to) pump, was the CEO of Liberty Energy, a fracking company, before taking the post as Energy Secretary. “I am confident that we can reverse the irresponsible policies of the Biden administration and prioritize endless and wasteful use of natural resources. Under his [Wright's] leadership, the DOE will once again support the great American corporation, and allow companies like Nestle to pump all the water they want anywhere they want,” said Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah), who chairs the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, in a statement. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes, Trump really did issue an executive order about... well, yes - SHOWER HEADS. He is definitely on a roll (back) these days. Much of the quotes in this post are real, with a few words changed here and there (just for fun and emphasis). it's so nice to see Trump focusing on so many important issues (like wasting our most precious and life-giving resource). See references below if you don't believe me... Truth is far stranger than fiction these days!

REFERENCES:

1) "MAINTAINING ACCEPTABLE WATER PRESSURE IN SHOWERHEADS"; The White House, April 9, 2025; https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/04/maintaining-acceptable-water-pressure-in-showerheads/

2) "Trump Tackles His Longtime Pet Peeve: Weak Shower Heads"; New York Times; April 10, 2025; https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/10/us/politics/trump-showers-water-pressure.html

3) "The president pushes for more flow from the nation’s shower heads.", New York Times, August 13, 2020; https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/13/us/politics/the-president-pushes-for-more-flow-from-the-nations-shower-heads.html  

4) Senate confirms fracking CEO Chris Wright to lead Energy Department; The Hill; February 03, 2025; https://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/5123956-chris-wright-confirmed-energy-department/

5) "California Authorities Say Nestlé Is Illegally Gulping Up Public Water"; Los Angeles Times, April 26, 202; https://lamag.com/news-and-politics/nestle-water-california-legal-dispute

France offers asylum to the Statue of Liberty

Paris (The Loose Nukes): A French politician said his country should offer asylum to the Statue of Liberty out of concern for President Donald Trump's destruction of the remaining shreds of American democracy.

Raphaël Glucksmann, a member of the European Parliament and co-president of a small left-wing party in France, asserted in a speech last weekend that some Americans “have chosen to switch to the side of the tyrants” reflecting the broad shockwaves that U.S. President Donald Trump’s seismic shifts in foreign and domestic policy are triggering in France and elsewhere in Europe. 

“Give us back the Statue of Liberty,” Glucksmann told supporters of his Public Place party, who applauded and whistled, on Sunday. “It was our gift to you. But apparently you despise her. So she will be happy and free here with us,” Glucksmann said.

"Absolutely not," said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt in a briefing Monday when asked if the U.S. would give it back. "My advice to that unnamed, low-level French scum would be to remind them that it's only because of the United States of America that the French are not speaking German right now. So they should be on their knees, bowing to our great country."

Glucksmann, in turn, shot back that French gratitude for Americans’ wartime sacrifices is “eternal,” but added: “If the free world no longer interests your government, then we will take up the torch, here in Europe.”   

“Our gratitude to these heroes (referring to the D-Day invasion of Normandy) and their sacrifices is therefore eternal,” he wrote. “But the America of these heroes fought against tyrants, it did not flatter them. It was the enemy of fascism, not the friend of Putin... It welcomed the persecuted and didn’t target them... It celebrated science and didn’t fire researchers for using banned words... It was far, so far from what your current president does, says and embodies.”

“No one, of course, will come and steal the Statue of Liberty,” he wrote in X posts. “The statue is yours. But what it embodies belongs to everyone, and not just to your White Christian Nationalists.”

President Trump seemed confused by the French wanting their statue back. During an Oval Office meeting he was overheard asking a staffer, “What is this about the French giving us the Statue of Liberty? I thought we built it.”

On his social media channel, Truth Social, Trump fired back, “Hey Frenchy, we know a hell of a lot more about Freedom than you; just look at our revolution! While we were fighting for our freedom from the overlords, you were busy learning how to make shitty souffles.” 

Lady Liberty — full name "Liberty Enlightening the World" — was conceptualized by French anti-slavery activist Édouard de Laboulaye in 1865 to honor the centennial of the U.S. Declaration of Independence and its friendship with France, whose support helped win the American Revolution.

It has endured as a global symbol of freedom, patriotism and democracy — and the lack thereof — in the decades since, until now.

Trump was asked about the iconic statue during an appearance on Fox and Friends. 

“Oh, I love the Statue of Liberty. I mean, really love her. She's a very beautiful woman; I mean, a real looker; maybe a little overdressed; could you imagine her in a red, white and blue bikini. Wow; now that would really be something, something really great, just like how great this country will be once I get rid of all the bad people. Some very bad people that don't belong in our great country.

The previous president, he was a very stupid person and a very bad president. We had levels of violence and crime, and a lot of it had to do with the illegal immigrants that came in. And remember when I used to complain about it? Because I knew how tough they were, how mean they were.

And they said, “No, no, people that come into our country are all wonderful people.” No, they’re not wonderful. These are stone-cold killers. These are killers like — they make our killers look nice, by comparison. They make our killers look nice. These are rough, tough people with the tattoos all over their face.

Historically speaking — I don’t want to discriminate against anybody, but historically speaking, they’re not going to be the head of any major bank that we know of. These are rough people. These are rough, rough killer people, and they allowed them in by the millions. 

Over the past four years, other countries emptied out their prisons and jails, mental institutions and insane asylums, and sent the killers, drug smugglers and bloodthirsty inmates from the filthiest dungeons of the world straight into the USA and open border. We had an open border policy.

Anybody could come in no matter what you were, no matter where you came from, no matter what you look like, no matter what you were doing, no matter what you did, no matter how many people you murdered. You could come right into our country. We have murderers right now walking the streets.

And we don't want it. We aren't going to let that happen. And I just learned what it says on that statue. Did you know it said something on the statue? It didn't know that until today. I like the part about the 'golden door'; I like gold; but the other stuff; we this about 'tired' and “poor” people. And why would we take 'wretched refuse'? Isn't that like taking other countries' garbage. Do they think we are stupid? 

Over the past four years, other countries emptied out their prisons and jails, mental institutions and insane asylums, and sent the killers, drug smugglers and bloodthirsty inmates from the filthiest dungeons of the world straight into the USA and open border. I bet some of them even came from France.

Today I am declaring our great nation's borders closed. Not closed for business; if you've got money we will welcome you with open arms. I have also directed the National Park Service to remove the bad plaque on Lady Liberty; it's a bad plaque; and replace with a new one declaring how great our nation is and how our unbelievably great Border Patrol is on the job 24/7 keeping our citizens safe from some very bad people. 

A National Park Service (NPS) spokesperson, who begged to remain anonymous, spoke to the statue's history: "Ordinary people, from American suffragists in the 1800s and 1900s to Chinese students in the 1980s, have raised up the Statue's likeness to call for greater equality, an end to injustice, and more enlightened societies.”

The controversy surrounding the iconic symbol comes at a time when the U.S. government has been criticized at home and abroad for abandoning those commitments and becoming a fascist state - cracking down on immigration, human rights, freedom of speech and eliminating the rule of law.

In other (related) news, President Trump issued his 98th executive order declaring a 50 percent tariff on French Fries. 

END

THE NOT SO FINE PRINT: This post is SATIRE! Aside from a few words that were changed or added, people actually said nearly everything quoted in this post. Much of the long quote attributed to the President Trump He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named really came out of his mouth, with only minor changes, and came from his recent, long and bizarre, ramble at the Department of Justice on March 15th. The references below were heavily plagiarized in the making of this satire.

REFERENCES:

From France comes a call for Trump’s America to return Lady Liberty. Here’s why it won’t happen; https://apnews.com/article/france-trump-statue-of-liberty-glucksmann-248cbd501c7b66d7b37988bf6abdacf8

French official knocks ‘shameful’ Trump administration after Statue of Liberty remarks; https://thehill.com/policy/international/5201350-raphael-glucksmann-france-trump-statue-of-liberty/

Does the U.S. deserve the Statue of Liberty? Not anymore, one French politician says; https://www.npr.org/2025/03/18/nx-s1-5332084/statue-of-liberty-france-return

Transcript of President Trump Remarks at the Department of Justice; https://singjupost.com/transcript-of-president-trump-remarks-at-the-department-of-justice/

Trump Declares "WHITE" the official color of the United States

Washington (The Loose Nukes): Earlier today, President Donald Trump signed an executive order declaring “white” to be the official color of the United States of America.

Trump's order directs Federal government agencies to erase all color from documents, images, and anything else that might be disseminated to the public. He also announced new labelling standards to be written and enforced by the newly-formed Department of Labelling.

The order directs that every organization and business must follow the same guidelines as Federal agencies, and to recall all products containing any colors other than white. Any entity that disobeys the executive order will be shuttered, and its assets sold off at auction, the proceeds being transferred to the Department of Government Efficiency.

Crayola LLC, known for its iconic Crayola Crayons, responded immediately to Trump's demands, issuing a set of crayons with only the color white, and with new and government-approved labelling. They recalled all earlier crayons, and retailers have been scrambling to get the products off their shelves to make room for the white crayons.

Countless legal scholars have expressed confusion about the latest executive order, and some have questioned whether it could be interpreted as requiring the removal, or even deportation, of any employees who are not "white". The White House refused to respond to this question, and both Trump and Musk have been surprisingly silent about the topic on social media.

The executive order has raised a new discussion and debate about “color”, and its meaning.

A Washington, D.C.-based designer, specializing in color theory, reflected on the complex physics of color: "Sunlight contains colors at all wavelengths. All these wavelengths together make white light. When that white light hits an object, we perceive that object's color as the colors that reflect from the object. We see a white object when the object reflects color at all wavelengths. As a result, white is the absence of color for how we see the object, but not for the light itself, which contains all colors."

When asked to interpret that explanation for laypeople, he said, “In other words, whiteness cannot exist without all the colors of the Rainbow. This is something Trump will never understand. And, he has no idea of the stupidity of his actions. Next, they will be banning all colored paper and colored ink, and the ultimate result will be that we won't be able to see or read anything because it's all white. But hey, maybe that is what they want.”

Nixon's Letter to Elon Musk

Editor's Disclaimer: This satire originally appeared on The Borowitz Report, and was republished by Robert Reich at https://robertreich.substack.com/p/nixons-letter-to-elon-musk. In light of the existential danger facing our country thanks to a few fascist pigs running amok, we figured we just had to republish it too. Of course, we didn't ask Andy for permission. 

Since his death in 1994, Richard Nixon has refrained from public comments. Today, however, he has broken his silence in a letter from Hell.

Mr. Nixon offered The Borowitz Report the exclusive right to publish his letter on one condition: that his expletives not be deleted.

Dear Elon,

One thing people don’t realize about life down here is that Satan has CNN playing around the clock. It’s his way of ratcheting eternal torment up a notch. After a while, the spectacle of Wolf Blitzer claiming that something you’ve already heard nineteen times is “BREAKING NEWS” makes the white-hot flames incinerating your body seem like a spa treatment.

So it should come as no surprise that I caught your Inauguration Day speech in all its fascistic glory. And let me say this: that was some fucked up shit.

I realize that you didn’t exactly grow up in the cradle of civil rights, but even by South African standards, that “straight-arm gesture,” as the mainstream media politely called it, seemed a tad extreme.

Don’t get me wrong: back in the day, no one was more racist than Dick Nixon. But I tried to be subtle about it. I said, “I’ve got a Southern Strategy.” I didn’t say, “Hey, let’s suck off the voters who want to bring back slavery.”

If I’d ever fired off two Nazi salutes like you did, those bastards at the Washington Post would have had my head on a stick. (Excuse the dated reference—there used to be a newspaper called the Washington Post.)

And let me make one thing perfectly clear: I’ve got no beef with Germans. When I was president, the White House was crawling with them. Haldeman, Ehrlichman, Kissinger—my Cabinet sounded like the cast of a Wagner opera. Still, those Teutonic fruitcakes somehow managed to get through a public appearance without turning it into the Nuremberg Rally.

I know what you’re thinking: of course Kissinger would never march around like an S.S. officer, because he was Jewish. Well, so is that sweaty weasel Stephen Miller, and that fucker seems to have gone straight from his bar mitzvah to the Hitler Youth.

Which raises another question: who the fuck is making the personnel decisions over there? I mean, no one despised Bobby Kennedy more than I did, but that commie never drove around with a whale’s head on his Volvo like his idiot spawn did.

But let’s get back to you.

You’ve probably deluded yourself into thinking you’re the Second Coming of another Nazi who liked to fire off rockets: Wernher von Braun. Well, I knew Wehrner, and, believe you me, that sneaky Kraut did everything in his power to hidethe fact that he was a Nazi. When people at NASA asked him what he did during the war, he’d say he wrangled heifers at a dude ranch in Montana.

Think I’m being too hard on you? Look, if all you were doing was planning Martian colonies and enjoying the occasional goose step, I’d leave you be. But that jagoff Jake Tapper just informed me that you’ve got a ragtag team of amateurs in DC breaking into places they don’t belong. Why does that sound so familiar to me?

Mark my words, fuckface: this won’t end well. I’ll keep a place warm for you down here. Very warm.

Yours,

Dick