Vanguard class submarine transforms into giant Chia pet after recordbreaking six-month patrol

A Royal Navy ballistic missile submarine has just completed a record-breaking tour of over half a year at sea. The primary purpose of the extended patrol, in addition to better understanding how the crew could get along for so long without a decent shower, was to determine whether ballistic missile submarines could grow a coating of plant-based material on their hulls in order to lower their acoustic signature while at sea, thereby reducing the probability of detection by an unfriendly nation.

The Times reported that an unidentified submarine was spotted “encrusted with barnacles and covered in slime and a very high density of Chia sprouts” upon its recent return to the Faslane naval base in Scotland. The paper said the vessel was at sea for a patrol in excess of six months.

A statement made by the Royal Navy added that Deputy Prime Minister Oliver Dowden was in Scotland to welcome the submariners home. Dowden brought along his Chia Pet, fondly named “Holbrook,” after the British thermonuclear warhead fitted on the Trident II missiles deployed on Vanguard submarines.

Only two of Britain’s four Vanguard-class submarines – HMS Vigilant and HMS Vengeance – are currently deemed sea-worthy. The fleet’s first-in-class, HMS Vanguard, returned to Faslane this year after more than seven years undergoing maintenance, but will not be mission-ready until 2024. The fourth vessel, HMS Victorious, has been waiting to undergo its own maintenance following an onboard fire last year and has only just arrived at the Devonport dockyard in Plymouth.

Last year, it was reported that the lack of available Vanguard-class submarines meant crews were increasingly serving tours in excess of 150 days and being ordered to apply deodorant far more than should be required. By comparison, the average patrol on the previous generation of nuclear vessels rarely exceeded 60-70 days.

An unidentified source inside the Ministry of Defence (MOD) told The Times that researchers stumbled upon Chia sprouts as a new method of lowering submarine's noise profile when a researcher started sprouting seeds in the laboratory to use in their sandwiches. Subsequent laboratory experiments demonstrated that a high-density coating of Chia sprouts effectively breaks up sound waves that bounce against the hull more effectively than the rubber tiles currently in use. 

In addition to concerns about the state of the vessels, there have also been concerns about the impact these extended tours have on crew discipline, morale, and psychological wellbeing. The Royal Navy has already opened an investigation into claims by female submariners working on Vanguard-class subs of sexual abuse and bullying by male colleagues and senior officers, and a former UK submarine commander has warned of risks to sailors.

CND General Secretary Kate Hudson passed off the Chia seed experiment as a cheap publicity stunt intended to divert attention from the serious problems faced by the Trident nuclear weapon system. “It’s extremely irresponsible of the British government and Royal Navy to expose crews to these conditions [essentially trapped in slimy, Chia-infested deathtraps]: not only to such lengths of time away from friends and family, but in vessels that are becoming increasingly unseaworthy and smelly. Clearly Britain is struggling to maintain its nuclear weapons safely. That is already potentially catastrophically dangerous without the added risks of malfunctioning equipment or personal error as a result of overtired and stressed staff. This whole [Chia] project is just a colossal waste of time and resources. The government must come to its senses and call time on its nuclear weapons programme, scrap its replacement, and instead invest in rebuilding our public services.” 

Chia Pets are American styled terracotta figurines used to sprout chia, where the chia sprouts grow within a couple of weeks to resemble the animal's fur or hair. Moistened chia seeds (Salvia hispanica) are applied to a grooved terracotta figurine. A range of generic animals has been produced, including a turtle, pig, puppy, kitten, frog, and hippopotamus. Cartoon characters have also been licensed, including Garfield, Scooby-Doo, Looney Tunes, Shrek, The Simpsons, and SpongeBob. Additionally, there are Chia Pets depicting real people, including Barack Obama and Donald Trump. 

Author's Note: Thanks to Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament (CND) for inspiring this satirical piece of pseudo-journalism, and for much of the information plagiarized herein.

Ron DeSantis Comes Unhinged Over Revisionist Accusations: or, There Is an Upside to Slavery

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, a Republican presidential candidate, has been accused of suppressing U.S. history and whitewashing the systemic racism so central to our nation's historical legacy. 

DeSantis began by forcing the revision of the state’s Advanced Placement (AP) African American Studies curriculum, purging key Black writers, feminists, and any references to Black Lives Matter.

Then, last week,, the Florida Department of Education released its social studies standards for the upcoming school year. The massive 216-page document states, “Instruction includes how slaves developed skills which, in some instances, could be applied for their personal benefit.” Wow, who could have known!

Gov. DeSantis was asked to explain this shocking rewrite of the brutal and bloody history of slavery in the United States, while at a campaign stop in Utah: “They’re probably going to show some of the folks that eventually parlayed, you know, being a blacksmith into doing things later in life.”

In a subsequent interview with Fox News host Sean Hannity, DeSantis clarified his earlier comments.

The governor went on in great detail recounting the countless examples throughout history of peoples who “parlayed” difficult experiences into benefits, assuming they survived those early experiences.

“Look at Native Americans,” he said. “So many of their children benefited from a good education in the schools our government provided for them. After all, they had no school system of their own, and they got cool uniforms too. The allegations of physical and sexual abuse committed in those schools is patently false. The kids were just sexually precocious.”

DeSantis went on to say that, “All those stories about the white man's treatment of Native Americans are just false. We would never give them blankets infected with Smallpox, and of course everyone knows that Smallpox was invented in some Chinese laboratory... probably Wuhan.”

DeSantis went on to explain that the Jews have benefited going all the way back to Biblical times. “Just look at their escape from slavery in Egypt. They would not have learned to make that flatbread that they use for their holiday celebrations. I've tried it, and it's pretty good, although it's a little dry and crumbly.” And don't forget their time in the camps during World War II. I'm sure those who survived learned skills from which they benefited. After all, look how well the Jews have done in our nation... all those doctors, and lawyers, and... violinists.”

Without skipping a beat, DeSantis ranted about about how women in the U.S. complain about their treatment by the supposed entrenched patriarchy that has been in place since the founding of our nation (and long before that) saying, “I really don't understand the womens lib thing. Women have had a darn good ride from the time our great nation was founded, and the men who have defended our freedom relied upon the women tending the home fires and did the laundry... oh yeah, and having babies. Heck, Betsy Ross probably wouldn't have known how to sew a flag if she had gone off to fight in the Revolutionary War. As for the right to vote, women should be grateful to have that. And, you know, all they really had to do was ask... nicely... and we would have given it to them, so long as they promised to vote Republican.”

Hannity's interview with DeSantis has not yet aired due to as yet unconfirmed rumors that the Fox Executive Board is concerned about possible fallout from the interview being made public.

END

The Fine Print: The author of this article makes no claims as to the accuracy of the information conveyed herein, except to say that aside from one quote cited (you guess which one), the rest were totally made up (although they might as well have been real). That being said, the author did his best to convey the absurdity of DeSantis' claims by using a bit of hyperbole.

South Korea Could Have It's Own Boomer

Republic of Korea (ROK) President Yoon Suk Yeol and First Lady of the Republic of Korea Kim Keon Hee recently kicked the tires on one of the US Navy's aging OHIO Class “Trident” submarines in anticipation of possibly purchasing one of the soon to be retired ballistic missile submarines for their own nation.

The Ohio-class ballistic-missile submarine USS Kentucky (SSBN 737) was on a port visit in Busan, South Korea on July 19, 2023 to not only demonstrate the United States’ ironclad commitment to the (ROK) for its extended deterrence guarantee, but to also give the President and First Lady a chance to tour and test drive a fully functioning ballistic missile submarine. A secondary purpose was to scare the pants off of President of the State Affairs Commission of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea Kim Jong Un.

ROK First Lady Kim Keon Hee checking out North Korea.

The 14 OHIO Class submarines currently in service, which represent the US Navy's kick-ass nuclear deterrent force, are scheduled to be replaced by the new and improved Columbia Class, which is slated to begin entering service in 2031. As the aging OHIO Class boats are taken out of service there will be a tremendous opportunity for countries like South Korea to have their very own nuclear deterrent and no longer need to rely on the US nuclear umbrella. It will also provide an opportunity for the US Navy to make some extra cash to keep building all the ships on its wish list.

Besides the deterrence aspect of owning your own ballistic missile submarine, there is also the major prestige factor of owning a vessel capable of incinerating an entire continent with the full complement Trident II D5 missiles loaded with a the maximum number of thermonuclear warheads.

"Ballistic missile submarines (SSBNs) are the most powerful nuclear assets in the world," said Park Won Gon, professor at Ewha Womans University in Seoul. "North Korea's solid-fuel Hwasong-18 ICBM is no match to the SSBN. … North Korea is going to realize the imbalance between its nuclear capabilities and the U.S.'" After those comments, Park was overheard saying, “If Kim messes with us he will be toast.”

During the guided tour of the Kentucky the first couple viewed the missile compartment and they were blown away by the explanation of the Trident missile's capabilities, and nearly choked on their lunch with the realization that even after incinerating all of North Korea in a first strike (which is what Trident is designed for), they would still have plenty of missiles left to deal with China should the need arise.

The couple was assured by U.S. National Security Council Coordinator for Indo-Pacific Affairs Kurt Campbell that the United States is committed to strengthening the ROK to meet its sovereign self-defense needs and to improve its capabilities to operate with U.S. forces to address shared security challenges. At the inaugural meeting of the long-lauded US-ROK Nuclear Consultative Group (NCG), coinciding with the Kentucky's port call, Campbell stated that the US is committed to ensure that the ROK is prepared to show Kim Jong Un who's boss on the Korean peninsula.

When President Yoon asked about the potential price tag, a representative of the U.S. Department of State’s Bureau of Political-Military Affairs assured him that he would be getting a huge price break, and that the Arms Export Control Act (AECA), as amended [22 U.S.C. 2751, et. seq.], authorizes the President to finance procurement of defense articles and services for foreign countries and international organizations. Foreign Military Financing (FMF) may be provided to a partner nation on either a grant (non-repayable) or direct loan basis.

The commanding officer of the Kentucky, Lee Fake (Gold crew), assured President Yoon that prior to purchase, their submarine would receive a thorough overhaul, including reactor refueling.

When asked how he felt about the prospect of owning his very own ballistic missile submarine bristling withorth enough thermonuclear firepower to start World War III, President Yoon retorted, “How can one put a vualue on such a treasure as ultimate nuclear deterrence? I am humbled, and at the same time somewhat agiddy, at the thought of such power.”

Disclaimer/Fine Print/etc: Although most of what is written in this post is true, the ROK first couple did not test drive an OHIO Class submarine, nor do they intend to purchase one for their country (as far as this journalist is aware).

New revelations question previous narratives explaining responsibility for Nord Stream bombing

The New York Times has reported that new intelligence reviewed by U.S. officials suggests that a pro-Ukrainian group may have carried out the attack on the Nord Stream pipelines last year.

More recently, intelligence disclosed to The Loose Nukes by unnamed sources reveal that the Nord Stream sabotage may have been conducted by an elite team of canine mercenaries comprised of specially trained Golden Retrievers. It's still unclear whether the team was made up of mercenaries or whether they were working directly for a particular government.

A spokesperson for the Humane Society International, who wished to remain anonymous, said that this disclosure is of great concern to animal rights advocates, and that it is unconscionable that anyone would put animals who don't even have opposable thumbs into such a dangerous situation as one involving high explosives.

It is suspected that the canine underwater demolition team was trained at a secret facility disguised as an animal rescue facility, possibly in a Scandinavian country.

A laboratory is currently analyzing residue from rawhide dog treats found on a beach at a Swedish nudist colony to determine their country of origin. Investigators hope to find other evidence as they comb that site.

The disclosure of the seagoing canines might constitute the first significant lead to emerge from several closely guarded investigations by numerous governments, the conclusions of which could have profound implications for the coalition supporting Ukraine.

Although some have pointed to the United States as being responsible for the bombing, this new finding, if confirmed, would refute that theory since it appears that the Canine divers are far more advanced than any US military specialist teams that would be capable of this kind of operation.

The U.S. Navy has employed marine mammals for decades in any number of roles.

In 1990, the New York Times reported that former Navy trainers had told them dolphins were being taught "to kill enemy divers with nose-mounted guns and explosives," a charge denied by a Navy spokesman.

And in 2000, the BBC reported that Soviet-trained dolphins and other marine mammals were being trained by Russian experts to attack enemy warships and divers. "They could also undertake kamikaze strikes against enemy shipping carrying mines that would explode a ship on contact with its hull."

When asked about the use of dogs for such sophisticated activities as those involving planting explosives, an applied animal behaviorist, who wished to remain anonymous, said that dogs such as retrievers are capable of learning a vast array of skills and are excellent swimmers. 

The expert also theorized that dolphins, because of their large and complex brains, may have decided to resist taking part in any activity involving harming other beings or infrastructure. In that case, she said, the Navy might find another animal that would be less likely to question orders, and retrievers would fit this category.

For now, the quest to find the culprits of the Nord Stream attack continues. Mats Ljungqvist, a senior prosecutor leading Sweden’s investigation and member of the Kariskrona Nudist Colony, told The New York Times late last month that his country’s hunt for the perpetrators was continuing.

“It’s my job to find those who blew up Nord Stream. To help me, I have our country’s Security Service,” Mr. Ljungqvist said. “Do I think it was dogs that blew up Nord Stream? I never thought so. It’s not logical. But... you have to be open to all possibilities.”