About this Blog

The Loose Nukes is an attempt (by people who should probably be under 24 hour supervised psychiatric care) to bring attention to somewhat serious issues like nuclear weapons, militarism and other seemingly random, unrelated issues through vain attempts at social satire and other futile gestures of total contempt for a fading empire that continues to employ nuclear weapons, the ultimate instruments of an erectile dysfunctional national security state, as instruments of foreign policy. OK, you probably get the idea by now. We are obsessed by run-on sentences, peace and justice, having fun, and don't know when to quit. At any rate, we don't think nuclear weapons are a very good idea, and are most definitely unhealthy for living things. We also think the folks running this Empire should just get over it.

And now the NOT SO FINE PRINT: Read further at your own risk... and remember, DON'T PANIC; this is all SATIRE at its worst (or best, depending on one's mental state)! And some of the stuff in here is even true!!!

Tuesday, August 1, 2023

Ron DeSantis Comes Unhinged Over Revisionist Accusations: or, There Is an Upside to Slavery

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, a Republican presidential candidate, has been accused of suppressing U.S. history and whitewashing the systemic racism so central to our nation's historical legacy. 

DeSantis began by forcing the revision of the state’s Advanced Placement (AP) African American Studies curriculum, purging key Black writers, feminists, and any references to Black Lives Matter.

Then, last week,, the Florida Department of Education released its social studies standards for the upcoming school year. The massive 216-page document states, “Instruction includes how slaves developed skills which, in some instances, could be applied for their personal benefit.” Wow, who could have known!



Gov. DeSantis was asked to explain this shocking rewrite of the brutal and bloody history of slavery in the United States, while at a campaign stop in Utah: “They’re probably going to show some of the folks that eventually parlayed, you know, being a blacksmith into doing things later in life.”

In a subsequent interview with Fox News host Sean Hannity, DeSantis clarified his earlier comments.

The governor went on in great detail recounting the countless examples throughout history of peoples who “parlayed” difficult experiences into benefits, assuming they survived those early experiences.

“Look at Native Americans,” he said. “So many of their children benefited from a good education in the schools our government provided for them. After all, they had no school system of their own, and they got cool uniforms too. The allegations of physical and sexual abuse committed in those schools is patently false. The kids were just sexually precocious.”

DeSantis went on to say that, “All those stories about the white man's treatment of Native Americans are just false. We would never give them blankets infected with Smallpox, and of course everyone knows that Smallpox was invented in some Chinese laboratory... probably Wuhan.”



DeSantis went on to explain that the Jews have benefited going all the way back to Biblical times. “Just look at their escape from slavery in Egypt. They would not have learned to make that flatbread that they use for their holiday celebrations. I've tried it, and it's pretty good, although it's a little dry and crumbly.” And don't forget their time in the camps during World War II. I'm sure those who survived learned skills from which they benefited. After all, look how well the Jews have done in our nation... all those doctors, and lawyers, and... violinists.”

Without skipping a beat, DeSantis ranted about about how women in the U.S. complain about their treatment by the supposed entrenched patriarchy that has been in place since the founding of our nation (and long before that) saying, “I really don't understand the womens lib thing. Women have had a darn good ride from the time our great nation was founded, and the men who have defended our freedom relied upon the women tending the home fires and did the laundry... oh yeah, and having babies. Heck, Betsy Ross probably wouldn't have known how to sew a flag if she had gone off to fight in the Revolutionary War. As for the right to vote, women should be grateful to have that. And, you know, all they really had to do was ask... nicely... and we would have given it to them, so long as they promised to vote Republican.”

Hannity's interview with DeSantis has not yet aired due to as yet unconfirmed rumors that the Fox Executive Board is concerned about possible fallout from the interview being made public.

END

The Fine Print: The author of this article makes no claims as to the accuracy of the information conveyed herein, except to say that aside from one quote cited (you guess which one), the rest were totally made up (although they might as well have been real). That being said, the author did his best to convey the absurdity of DeSantis' claims by using a bit of hyperbole.




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