US pulls out of the United Nations; No one notices

UNITED NATIONS, June 25, 2018 (The Loose Nukes) -- UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres regretted the withdrawal of the United States from the United Nations, said his spokesman earlier today.

"The secretary-general would have preferred for the United States to remain in the global body," said Stephane Dujarric, the spokesman, in a note to correspondents. "The United Nations came into being in 1945, following the devastation of the Second World War, with one central mission: the maintenance of international peace and security. The UN also promotes and protects human rights, promotes sustainable development, and upholds international law. The support of the US working for these goals, rather than against them, would be a huge boost for the UN."

The remarks came shortly after U.S. Permanent Representative to the United Nations Nikki Haley announced in Washington that the United States is officially withdrawing from the UN. The message was met by a standing ovation on the floor of the General Assembly, where 192 member states - the US was conspicuously absent - were convened. The session resumed without any more mention of the US.

U.S. President Donald Donald Trump spoke of his decision, saying, “The United Nations has such great potential but right now it is just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time. So sad! It's a bad deal for the US. We should get our money back."

A White House source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Trump's decision came immediately following a meeting with his National Security Advisor, John Bolton.

Bolton is known for having said, in a 1994 speech referring to the UN's headquarters, that, "The Secretariat building in New York has 38 stories; if you lost 10 stories today, it wouldn't make a bit of difference," He added later: "There's no such thing as the United Nations."

In Geneva, the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights Zeid Ra'ad Al Hussein responded that the U.S. withdrawal is "not really surprising. The US has been going it alone for quite a while. This decision is the culmination of that decline."

Uncle Sam says "So long, suckers! I Quit!"

WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – In the greatest White House personnel shakeup in history, Uncle Sam gave notice that he is retiring.

Sam, who has been on the job since 1813, said that he has finally had enough, saying, “I'm tired of being the spokesman for warmongering, racist, oil-hungry scum!”

In an unprecedented and surprise appearance before The White House Press Corps this morning, Sam appeared visibly shaken by recent events. He ranted for ten minutes about what has happened to our country and “what a damn mess Trump has made of it.” 

He also referred to Friday's missile strikes against Syria as "the last straw." The Congress has become a complete joke; they've handed the President a blank check for war and just about anything else he wants. And don't get me started on Bolton!"

“I really thought I was doing right by the American people over the past 200-plus years, but I can see clearly now that I have been used time and time again as a pawn for these low-lifes who have insidiously taken over our nation. While we have been sold a bill of goods about outside threats like communism and terrorists, we've been taken over by a bunch of greedy wolves who are getting rich off the sweat of hardworking American taxpayers. And that's just so wrong.”

Sam nearly began to cry when asked about his iconic “I want you” posters that have been responsible for countless young Americans joining the military. After regaining his composure he said, “I sincerely regret luring so many of our young people to fight in U.S. wars of aggression. Retired Marine Corps General Smedley Butler got it right when he said that “War Is A Racket.” And it certainly is a profitable one for the Military-Industrial Complex. Damn, I wish I had listened to Eisenhower back in the day. We could have saved so many young people from needless death and suffering, not to mention the carnage and ill will we've created overseas.

Sam lamented how he wished he had the energy to get out in the streets and protest with the people, but said that, “After a couple centuries you just loose steam.”

When asked where he is going upon his retirement, sam replied, “Where the hell can you go. No place is out of reach of U.S. military power or its nuclear weapons. I'm thinking of taking my savings and buying a time-share in an RV park doomsday shelter. That seems like the best investment these days. I am so glad I bought that Armageddon 2000 travel trailer before they sold out. I will head out on the open road after completing some well-deserved psychotherapy to work on my recently diagnosed PTSD. ”

Trump picks "Fox and Friends" to do White House press briefings

WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – In yet another White House personnel shakeup, Chief of Staff John Kelley earlier today announced the firing of White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Kelley, looking baffled as he faced the White House press corp, said that, “President Trump has personally chosen the co-anchors of Fox News' “Fox and Friends” to replace Sanders. Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt and Brian Kilmeade will take turns doing White House press briefings in order to have the least impact on their popular morning show.”

In an early morning Tweet, Trump said, “Thank you to @foxandfriends for for being soooo great! We are going to have so much fun! Oh yeah!”

When asked by a reporter why he fired Sanders, Trump replied, “It's about change. There will always be change, I want to see change, and I think you want to see change. And you're gonna love these new guys. They are such great communicators. Great people at Fox, and these are the greatest, besides Bolton; he's great too.”

Sanders was briefly surrounded by members of the White House Press Corp as she was being escorted out of the White House. She refused to answer reporters' questions, although she was overheard muttering something about “moron” as she exited through the security gate.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders surrounded by members of The White House
Press Corp as she leaves The White House.