My Button's Bigger Than Yours!

 WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – A former Trump White House staffer, who wished to remain anonymous, has revealed that Trump had “no clue about anything related to nuclear weapons.” 

As an anxious nation, and the corporations making tons of money from the US Government's addiction to nuclear weapons, await the release of the 2022 Nuclear Posture Review - the legislatively-mandated review that establishes U.S. nuclear policy, strategy, capabilities and force posture - the unnamed staffer just couldn't hold this information in any more.

In an interview with the staffer, who had regular contact with the former president, just a day after the release of the 2018 Nuclear Posture Review, President Donald Trump expressed outrage that there was no mention of his “nuclear button.” Unnamed White House sources said the President “went ballistic” when he learned about the omission, asking how “Rocket Man” would take the U.S. nuclear threat seriously if he didn't think the United States has a nuclear button, and a much bigger one at that.

In January 2018 Trump said that the nuclear launch button on his desk is "much bigger" and "more powerful" than that of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un – and that his button actually "works." Trump went on to say that, “North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the 'Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times,'" Trump tweeted. "Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!"

Trump was shocked when Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis informed him that no such nuclear button exists, and gave him a tutorial on the infamous “nuclear football,” which allows the president to transmit the orders to launch nuclear weapons and destroy all of humanity. Trump was dumbfounded; “you mean that guy in uniform following me around everywhere with that really big leather briefcase? By the way, is that real leather or faux leather? I don't care for faux leather; it's cheap; faux leather is for losers.”    

The President immediately ordered Mattis to have a nuclear button installed on his desk. Trump is rumored to have said, “I don't care about codes. Who needs codes? What's the deal with that? And that guy sitting outside my bedroom all night with that briefcase chained to his wrist really creeps me out.” 

Fortunately for the citizens of the US Thermonuclear Monarchy, former President Trump, was never given the opportunity to try out the real “nuclear button.” The nation awaits yet another Nuclear Posture Review, and although President Biden seems like a reasonably stable individual... well, you never know!