Nixon's Letter to Elon Musk

Editor's Disclaimer: This satire originally appeared on The Borowitz Report, and was republished by Robert Reich at https://robertreich.substack.com/p/nixons-letter-to-elon-musk. In light of the existential danger facing our country thanks to a few fascist pigs running amok, we figured we just had to republish it too. Of course, we didn't ask Andy for permission. 

Since his death in 1994, Richard Nixon has refrained from public comments. Today, however, he has broken his silence in a letter from Hell.

Mr. Nixon offered The Borowitz Report the exclusive right to publish his letter on one condition: that his expletives not be deleted.

Dear Elon,

One thing people don’t realize about life down here is that Satan has CNN playing around the clock. It’s his way of ratcheting eternal torment up a notch. After a while, the spectacle of Wolf Blitzer claiming that something you’ve already heard nineteen times is “BREAKING NEWS” makes the white-hot flames incinerating your body seem like a spa treatment.

So it should come as no surprise that I caught your Inauguration Day speech in all its fascistic glory. And let me say this: that was some fucked up shit.

I realize that you didn’t exactly grow up in the cradle of civil rights, but even by South African standards, that “straight-arm gesture,” as the mainstream media politely called it, seemed a tad extreme.

Don’t get me wrong: back in the day, no one was more racist than Dick Nixon. But I tried to be subtle about it. I said, “I’ve got a Southern Strategy.” I didn’t say, “Hey, let’s suck off the voters who want to bring back slavery.”

If I’d ever fired off two Nazi salutes like you did, those bastards at the Washington Post would have had my head on a stick. (Excuse the dated reference—there used to be a newspaper called the Washington Post.)

And let me make one thing perfectly clear: I’ve got no beef with Germans. When I was president, the White House was crawling with them. Haldeman, Ehrlichman, Kissinger—my Cabinet sounded like the cast of a Wagner opera. Still, those Teutonic fruitcakes somehow managed to get through a public appearance without turning it into the Nuremberg Rally.

I know what you’re thinking: of course Kissinger would never march around like an S.S. officer, because he was Jewish. Well, so is that sweaty weasel Stephen Miller, and that fucker seems to have gone straight from his bar mitzvah to the Hitler Youth.

Which raises another question: who the fuck is making the personnel decisions over there? I mean, no one despised Bobby Kennedy more than I did, but that commie never drove around with a whale’s head on his Volvo like his idiot spawn did.

But let’s get back to you.

You’ve probably deluded yourself into thinking you’re the Second Coming of another Nazi who liked to fire off rockets: Wernher von Braun. Well, I knew Wehrner, and, believe you me, that sneaky Kraut did everything in his power to hidethe fact that he was a Nazi. When people at NASA asked him what he did during the war, he’d say he wrangled heifers at a dude ranch in Montana.

Think I’m being too hard on you? Look, if all you were doing was planning Martian colonies and enjoying the occasional goose step, I’d leave you be. But that jagoff Jake Tapper just informed me that you’ve got a ragtag team of amateurs in DC breaking into places they don’t belong. Why does that sound so familiar to me?

Mark my words, fuckface: this won’t end well. I’ll keep a place warm for you down here. Very warm.

Yours,

Dick

Uncle Sam says "So long suckers; I Quit!"

WASHINGTON (The Loose Nukes) – In the greatest White House personnel shakeup in history, Uncle Sam gave notice that he is retiring. 

Sam, who has been on the job since 1813, said he has finally had enough: “I'm tired of being the spokesperson for a warmongering, racist, oil-hungry empire over far too many administrations, both Democrat and Republican. And worse yet, this new guy moving into The White House is the worse kind of racist, misogynistic grifter who is bringing a whole cadre of jackboot-licking cronies along with him. This level of Fascism makes Adolph Hitler and Benito Mussolini look like amateurs. I'm so done with this!”

In an unprecedented and surprise appearance before a shocked White House Press Corps this morning, Sam appeared visibly shaken by recent events. He ranted for ten minutes about what has happened to our country and “what a damn mess politicians have made of it.”  

He also referred to the election of Trump as "the last straw." He was already considering retiring after the Biden administration's unending “immoral aiding and abetting of the Israeli government's genocide on the Palestinian people.” For Sam, the “Congress has become a complete [bad] joke; both Democrats and Republicans... they've given recent presidents a blank check for endless wars.” 

“I really thought I was doing right by the American people over the past 200-plus years, but I can see clearly now that I have been used time and time again as a pawn for these low-lifes who have insidiously taken over our nation on behalf of the greedy Wall Street elites, and now the Silicon Valley tech billionaires. While We The People have been sold a bill of goods about outside threats like communism and terrorists, our country has been taken over by a bunch of greedy racist warmongers who are getting rich off the sweat of hardworking American taxpayers who keep the war machine running full speed ahead. And that's just so wrong.”

Sam began to cry when asked about his iconic “I WANT YOU” posters that have been responsible for countless young Americans joining the military and, “after being sent to fight the rich man's wars, return home damaged both physically and mentally, if not killed in the name of freedom. It's really all about the freedom of rich, greedy corporate profiteers to make a killing, both literally and figuratively.” After regaining his composure he said, “I sincerely regret luring so many of our young people to fight in U.S. wars of aggression.”

“Retired Marine Corps General Smedley Butler got it right when he said that 'War Is A Racket.' And it certainly is a profitable one for the Military-Industrial Complex. Damn, I wish I had listened to Eisenhower back in the day. We could have saved so many young people from needless death and suffering, not to mention the carnage, unstable and fascist governments, and ill-will we've helped create in other countries.”

Sam reflected on all the wasted money that should be spent on education, health care, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, sustainable energy, and so much more. “Let's face it; this is what a failing empire does... squanders its treasure, both human and financial, on senseless foreign adventures and the greedy desires of Wall Street, while neglecting the needs of the working people.” 

When asked where he is going upon his retirement, sam replied, “Where the hell can you go. No place is out of reach of U.S. military power or its nuclear weapons, with roughly 750 US foreign military bases spread across 80 nations! I'm thinking of cashing out my savings bonds and buying a time-share in an RV park doomsday shelter. That seems like the best investment these days."

Sam spoke of how he was recently diagnosed with PTSD:  I'm going to get some well-deserved psychotherapy to work through all this. We're talking over 200 years of cumulative trauma; where do I even begin? I figure I had better do it now while I still have Medicare coverage. Who knows if it, or any other government program serving the people, will survive four years of Trump.”

Reflecting on the work ahead, Uncle Sam said, "Once I'm feeling more myself I plan to head out on the open road, joining in with every demonstration for peace and justice. After all, I've created quite a brand, and it's high time I use it to do some real good for the people of the United States, especially the young people whose future we are currently selling down the river in the greatest betrayal of all time. I'm certainly not just going to go play golf with whatever time I have left!"

Before leaving the podium, Sam said he would not be taking any further questions, but admonished the members of the press for "pandering to those in power" saying, "The late broadcast journalist Walter Cronkite once said, 'We are not educated well enough to perform the necessary act of intelligently selecting our leaders.' You members of the press have a solemn duty to tell the people what they need to know rather than what they want to know in a so-called free society. It's time that each of you earn the title of journalist! That's all folks."

Vanguard class submarine transforms into giant Chia pet after recordbreaking six-month patrol

Scotland (The Loose Nukes): A Royal Navy ballistic missile submarine has just completed a record-breaking tour of over half a year at sea. The primary purpose of the extended patrol, in addition to better understanding how the crew could get along for so long without a decent shower, was to determine whether ballistic missile submarines could grow a coating of plant-based material on their hulls in order to lower their acoustic signature while at sea, thereby reducing the probability of detection by an unfriendly nation.

The Times reported that an unidentified submarine was spotted “encrusted with barnacles and covered in slime and a very high density of Chia sprouts” upon its recent return to the Faslane naval base in Scotland. The paper said the vessel was at sea for a patrol in excess of six months.

A statement made by the Royal Navy added that Deputy Prime Minister Oliver Dowden was in Scotland to welcome the submariners home. Dowden brought along his Chia Pet, fondly named “Holbrook,” after the British thermonuclear warhead fitted on the Trident II missiles deployed on Vanguard submarines.

Only two of Britain’s four Vanguard-class submarines – HMS Vigilant and HMS Vengeance – are currently deemed sea-worthy. The fleet’s first-in-class, HMS Vanguard, returned to Faslane this year after more than seven years undergoing maintenance, but will not be mission-ready until 2024. The fourth vessel, HMS Victorious, has been waiting to undergo its own maintenance following an onboard fire last year and has only just arrived at the Devonport dockyard in Plymouth.

Last year, it was reported that the lack of available Vanguard-class submarines meant crews were increasingly serving tours in excess of 150 days and being ordered to apply deodorant far more than should be required. By comparison, the average patrol on the previous generation of nuclear vessels rarely exceeded 60-70 days.

An unidentified source inside the Ministry of Defence (MOD) told The Times that researchers stumbled upon Chia sprouts as a new method of lowering submarine's noise profile when a researcher started sprouting seeds in the laboratory to use in their sandwiches. Subsequent laboratory experiments demonstrated that a high-density coating of Chia sprouts effectively breaks up sound waves that bounce against the hull more effectively than the rubber tiles currently in use. 

In addition to concerns about the state of the vessels, there have also been concerns about the impact these extended tours have on crew discipline, morale, and psychological wellbeing. The Royal Navy has already opened an investigation into claims by female submariners working on Vanguard-class subs of sexual abuse and bullying by male colleagues and senior officers, and a former UK submarine commander has warned of risks to sailors.

CND General Secretary Kate Hudson passed off the Chia seed experiment as a cheap publicity stunt intended to divert attention from the serious problems faced by the Trident nuclear weapon system. “It’s extremely irresponsible of the British government and Royal Navy to expose crews to these conditions [essentially trapped in slimy, Chia-infested deathtraps]: not only to such lengths of time away from friends and family, but in vessels that are becoming increasingly unseaworthy and smelly. Clearly Britain is struggling to maintain its nuclear weapons safely. That is already potentially catastrophically dangerous without the added risks of malfunctioning equipment or personal error as a result of overtired and stressed staff. This whole [Chia] project is just a colossal waste of time and resources. The government must come to its senses and call time on its nuclear weapons programme, scrap its replacement, and instead invest in rebuilding our public services.” 

Chia Pets are American styled terracotta figurines used to sprout chia, where the chia sprouts grow within a couple of weeks to resemble the animal's fur or hair. Moistened chia seeds (Salvia hispanica) are applied to a grooved terracotta figurine. A range of generic animals has been produced, including a turtle, pig, puppy, kitten, frog, and hippopotamus. Cartoon characters have also been licensed, including Garfield, Scooby-Doo, Looney Tunes, Shrek, The Simpsons, and SpongeBob. Additionally, there are Chia Pets depicting real people, including Barack Obama and Donald Trump. 

Author's Note: Thanks to Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament (CND) for inspiring this satirical piece of pseudo-journalism, and for much of the information plagiarized herein.